Mom’s Mental Tuneup: Online Support for California Moms of Teens & College Kids

Welcome to our teen dating guide for parents. We're going to be talking about how to talk to your
kids about dating, when to talk to your kids about dating, what you should be talking about.
Things like what is safe sex, what is consent, respect, dignity, all those fun topics that are
really uncomfortable to talk about, we're going to be addressing. We're also going to be addressing
that really sticky situation of when you really don't like the partner your teen wants to date
and how to address that. If you're watching this video and you feel that perhaps you, your kid,
your family could use a little more support from a therapist who specializes in kids, teens,
and families, please feel free to reach out to us for a complimentary phone consultation or
you can sign up for our weekly e -blast down in the description below. So how do you prepare your
adolescent to date? Well, we're going to talk about how to talk about safe sex, how to talk about
consent, dignity, respect, all and again the

efforts to help your kid have a healthy dating experience. There's a big reason why you should
not be ignoring this topic with your kids. Number one, they're going to have these sexual thoughts
and feelings regardless Regardless of what you do, it's biology. We all go through it. Different
kids are going to go at a different pace. They may start having these feelings or sensations
at earlier ages or later ages, but it's going to happen. So much of the media on TV, the internet,
music is sensationalized sexually, objectification, all these things. We're not going to
hide our children away from sex and sexuality. So, where are they going to learn about how to
have a healthy dating experience, how to have a healthy relationship with sex? Hopefully it's
not TikTok or Instagram or YouTube. Hopefully it's from you. How do you get comfortable with
this if you're not comfortable? That's not an easy thing to do and I want to acknowledge that.
It's possible that you may have a very tumultuous relationship

with sex and sexuality based on whatever has gone on in your life. If you're struggling to find
the comfort to talk about this, I get that. I don't think that's uncommon. I would encourage
you to share that vulnerability with your child. And when you sit down and say, hey, this is kind
of uncomfortable for me too, but I don't want to be uncomfortable for you. But this is your chance
to offer a more supportive experience for your child. And it's okay to be uncomfortable. Maybe
acknowledging the discomfort is a way for both of you to kind of meet in the middle and find a little
more comfort with this. How do you talk about safe sex? You may not want your child having sex
right now. I get that. I still think it's an important topic to have because they may be having
sex before you are ready, before they let you know. And the more valid education information
they have, the safer, healthier choices they're going to make. But talking about what is contraception.
There are many ways of contraception.

Talking about the anatomical parts of the body just directly. There are words, there's penis,
vagina, there's clitoris, there's scrotum. These are all words in the dictionary. These are
not bad words. These are scientific words. And I think the more we use them in context, that is
from a place of respect and dignity, it shows that we're not afraid of this topic. And we can have
an open conversation about things that are generally not talked about. I think it's so important
that kids of every gender are educated about sex and sexuality. No one is immune to the dangers
and pitfalls of not only broken hearts, but of getting in over their head, feeling coerced,
feeling pressured. You know, the more information they have, the better. the more understanding
they have of their own bodies and possible bodies of their partners, I think gives them more
empowerment to make healthier choices and safer choices. So what is consent? Consent is when
two people agree to a course of action. So let's say

it's dating, let's say it's you know how far are they going to go physically, that they've actually
talked about it and agreed upon this, whether that's just kissing, whether it's making out,
whether it's intercourse, whatever that is, there is a mutual understanding and agreement
that was not made from pressure, that both people agree that this is something that feels good
to them. Other topics to discuss are respect and compassion, dignity in a relationship. When
there's a lack of connection and trust, relationships become power struggles. And I'm sure
many of us here have been in relationships were based on power struggles instead of connection,
collaboration, respect, compassion. It's really hard to have respectful, collaborative
relationship. And it's not always like that all the time. There are times when people are in
conflict and it gets into power struggles. And it's important to talk about that. It's also
really important how do you demonstrate as a parent. If you have a co -parent

in the house, how do you demonstrate compassion and collaboration instead of power? Whether
it's with your spouse, whether it's with your children, and granted you are the authority figure
with your children and I get that, but is the authority based on control or connection? And this
is a really big topic, but I want to make sure we have an understanding of Are we setting the example
for our kids of what compassion and dignity is? Not just our own, but an equal amount of compassion
and empathy for our partner as well. And it's really important to have this conversation, not
just once, but it's probably a conversation you have over and over again to help kids start understanding
what that means. So if they are in a relationship and they're not receiving the compassion and
the dignity that you're trying to teach them, Does that help them recognize maybe this is an
unhealthy relationship and maybe I need to get out of this? Again, I want to reiterate, the more
real information and education

your teen has about dating, sex, sexuality, the healthier and wiser choices they're likely
going to make. Teens are naturally impulsive and their emotions are going to be big. But if they
have actual information, that can help guide them a little bit, especially if that information
comes from you, not from their 15 -year -old friends, not from online when you can't really trust
if they're getting valid information. But if you're giving them real information from a place
of compassion and respect, they might be able to integrate that. And when they are in those situations
of dating or sex when you can't control it, hopefully they will make smarter, wiser, safer choices
and when they don't, hopefully they'll trust you that they can come to you for support. What
kind of qualities are you looking for in your teenager to see if they're ready to date? It's a
pretty broad question and every family is going to be different, but how much emotional awareness
do they have? What is emotional awareness?

Hmm, well it's the ability to identify, explore, and express one's feelings in a healthy way.
And this goes back to the connection you have in the family and the ability to talk about emotional
awareness in the family. How much have you guys talked about, again, sex education, dignity,
respect, compassion? How much are they able to articulate these things? And the more they're
able to articulate these things and have open conversations, I think that will help you feel
a little more at ease with allowing your child to explore their dating life. So let's explore
boundary setting. Boundaries are important in all relationships because we have emotional
and personal needs. Our partners have emotional and personal needs. Both should be respected.
But if, let's say, your kid is feeling that his or her needs are not being respected, how does
your kid say no? So let's say your teen is with a partner and that partner wants to go farther physically
than your teen wants to Well, are they able to say?

No, that's as far as this is as far as I want to go and are they comfortable stopping? These are
conversations I think it's important to have and with between you and your child and I think
this is a really important topic was how are you demonstrating your family? Does your kid have
voice to say no? Do they have, are you allowing your kids to voice their opinions and are their
opinions mattering? If they have that in the family, that often can translate into dating relationships.
And again, in talking about those boundaries, because if you're going to have these conversations
and start planning those conversations in their head, when they are in the backseat of the car
and it is going a little too far for them, they are able to say, you know what, But I'm not comfortable
with this, I want to stop. Maybe talk to your teen about, hey, if this is an uncomfortable path
for you to say no, maybe you're not ready. Maybe you need to second guess if this is the path you're
ready for. Not saying

you won't be ready later on, but right now. If you can't say no, how can I help you learn to say no?
Or how can I help you say I'm not ready? Here are some possible rules to consider. Every family
is going to be different and take all these rules with a grain of salt and figure out how they work
with your family. One possible option is a no closed door policy. If they're over your house,
over the significant other's house, they're never in a room by themselves with the door closed.
Another thing, maybe you have, you know, some access and connection to the significant other's
parents that you develop a relationship again, won't always work. Sometimes you're going
to hate the other parents, you know, but have some access to them. Make sure that that significant
other spends some time at your house. Doesn't have to be every weekend, doesn't have to be all
the time, but the ability for you to develop a relationship with that significant other from
a place of compassion, empathy, regardless

of how much of a knucklehead you think that other person is. You can have rules of when they go
out. Let's say they're driving or let's say you're dropping them off. If they have a cell phone
that the locations always turn on, you know where they are. Maybe that's an option too. Another
thing to consider is are they allowed to be in public spaces together by themselves or do they
always have to be with other friends? Every family is going to be different, and it's really
up to you how you want to develop these rules. And I encourage you, when you develop these rules,
that it is a collaboration with your child. So they have some voice. Even if they disagree with
the final rule, you feel you heard them, you understood them, and you value their perspective.
What if the person your teen is dating is a real knucklehead? you do not like this person, or it's
a toxic relationship. How do you handle that? Luckily, in our Tips on Teens section, what we
do every week, we answer questions online on

Facebook Live. We've answered this question bunches of times, so feel free to go to there, but
we're also going to talk about here too. Here's the thing. If you really don't like the person
your teen is dating, you have to really bite your tongue and not let your kid know. This is really
hard to do because if you let your kid know all the reasons why you think their partner is bad for
them, is wrong, is whatever it is, your kid's going to turn around and tell their partner. Their
partner's going to be offended and now try to pull them away from you. So now your kid has to choose,
my parents or my dating partner. Oftentimes, in those situations, your teenager with the impulsiveness
and the lack of experience and the big emotions is going to pick that dating partner because
they feel empowered, they feel strong, they feel important, they feel feelings they've never
felt before and they only get it from this person. If you start alienating that other person,
you're alienating your child. And

now your kid feels like they must defend their significant other against your accusations.
And now there's no way out, no matter how bad or how badly that other person treats your kid. They
feel like they need to hold on to this because if not, they can't save face and come back to you
and say, yeah, that person was really bad for me because they're afraid of the wagging fingers.
Like, I know I told you. So, please do whatever you can to hold your tongue and at least stay neutral.
Now you can ask questions, hey, your partner treated you this way, is that okay? Are you okay
with that? And if they say, yes, I am, let it go. Here's the thing about teen dating relationships,
they generally end, usually quickly. Some take longer than others and when your kid is in a dating
relationship with someone you don't like, it seems like it takes forever. And I get that, but
stay patient, let them go through this process so when they finally do break up, there's no embarrassment,
there's no shame in coming

back to you to have your support. All right, are you doing okay? We've covered a lot of uncomfortable
topics in a very short amount of time, but I'm glad you stayed through and listened and watched
and hopefully this is supportive for you. Before we finish, I just want to remind you that here
at Teen Therapy Center and our non -profit sister organization, Child and Teen Counseling,
we love working with kids, teens, families, parents. It's a lot of fun and we invite you, if you
are looking for support for you and your family and you're in the Los Angeles area, please contact
us. We're happy to give you a free phone consultation. Our contact information is in the description
below. Again, that free phone consultation, we're happy to take the time to talk to you about
what your concerns are, what your goals are, how we can support you, and if you need something
that's outside of our organization, we're happy to provide those referrals to you as well.
So, please feel free to reach out to us.
Also, if this has been helpful, we have a whole bunch of videos on our website and on YouTube and
our social media, Facebook, Instagram, about our Tips on Teens. So what is that? So we have a
whole Facebook group called Tips on Teens where we answer parenting questions every week,
every Wednesday at noon, called on Facebook Live. We take your questions and answer them. If
you'd like your question answered on Tips on Teens, email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter
.com or you can direct message us here on Facebook or Instagram. We love your questions. Again,
thank you so much for watching. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family
therapist with Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. And thank you very much,
and feel free to contact us anytime.