Why Teens Are So Anxious Today and How Parents Can Help

Celina Serna:

... if we can get a teen in our door, and we can understand that as clinicians and come from that lens and be compassionate and just focus on that initial connection with our teens, most times the, the willingness, the willingness, the cooperation, and the trust that we're able to build, even in that 30-minute to an hour assessment, however long it takes, makes a huge difference. 

Kent Toussaint:

Hi, my name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I specialize In teen counseling and helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center, which is a group private practice in Woodland Hills, along with a non-profit organization called Child and Teen Counseling, both in the same office. I've been in the industry for 20 years. Been a long time.  

Celina Serna:

My name is Celina Serna. I am the program director here at Clear Behavioral Health, licensed clinical social worker. I too work with teens and families, and I have been doing this for, all together, um, about eight years as a clinician, going on five very soon.  

Kent Toussaint:

The expectations, the perceived expectations, sometimes the parents' expectations are not matching with the kids' expectations... what the kids think their expectations are. Is that what... I don't know if that's where you're going.  

Celina Serna:

Yeah. Uh, yeah. I mean, yes. And, um, the values that are placed on our teens from the parents, right? I mean, there's, like, there's so much I can talk about with that. But, um, to your point, so, like, you know, having to get all As, having to get a certain GPA to get into college, it's so competitive now. So many teens that I've worked with have that pressure from their parents, from teachers. And to your point, the, um, cognitive distortions that come with that, again, these negative core beliefs that are developed, um, do stick with our teens, and it's super important to talk about and to bring awareness to in our work.  

Kent Toussaint:

Absolutely. Piggybacking what you're saying, all that pressure gets magnified by social media.  And the social media pressures of the, again, the comparisons of, "Well, she's going to this college," or, "She's doing this," and it looks like she has this perfect life on social media, which of course she doesn't. But that's the impression the child has. And then the parents, they fall into the same trap because they're comparing their parent, their parenting skills to what parents are projecting on social media, which may not be an actual representation... who, what those parents are going through. And so it's always this, "I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses." And it's tough 'cause the social media pressures we, that are put on teens and parents in this vacuum of no one's talking about it, and it just makes the anxiety grow and grow for everyone. 

Celina Serna:

Right. Right. And this goes beyond academic pressure. This goes with having a certain body image.  Right? Having to, uh, present a certain way, which, I mean, goes hand in hand with body image. Um, seeking validation from peers online. And, um, you know, there's something to be said about social media and even this addictive piece that our teens are experiencing, right? Having to get that dopamine and that reward from social media, from the likes, from the validation, has really done something to our teens. And I don't know in, if your experience-  

Celina Serna:

... Kent, if you're seeing that, but we're seeing that more and more here. And, uh, there's not enough, I think, education from adults, from parents, from other family members, teachers, mentors, whatever that may be, on limits with social media, having to swift out what are these, what's reality and, and what is not, and how does that differ from my life? And, you know, these comparisons that we're talking about right now, helping our teens being able to recognize when that is happening and how, again, to swift out the reality versus, um, what is being shown. Because it, most times it's just the positive things. It's just the glamorous parts of people's lives, right? It doesn't really show the day-to-day, the ins and outs of things. So it's really important to have that education and to be able to teach our teens that as well.  

Kent Toussaint:

How do we, how do we help these teens... who are struggling with anxiety or panic attacks? Usually it's not... like, in the moment, it's just trying to, like, triage. But anxiety treatment is really in between. It's, it's like the self-care. It's like... you, you don't just take care of your teeth when you go to the dentist. It's the brushing your teeth every day. It's boring, it's tedious. But if you brush your teeth every day, you're likely to avoid cavities. Ballpark, right? So how do we help our teens find that resiliency? And I usually see it as four basic categories we wanna help our kids. And, and some kids will be higher in some categories than the other, but it's like, it's healthy physical stimulation, healthy creative stimulation... healthy social stimulation, healthy spiritual stimulation. Again, some kids or some people will have more in one category than the other. You're not gonna have all four most likely. But if you have one or two, like if you can get your kid really into piano, and they really love piano, in one of those categories, physical stimulation... social, um, uh, creative, or spiritual, they really find a joy in that. I think that's going to help 'cause that builds that self-esteem. That builds that self-worth. Like, "I can... This is something that I can do." And again, we're not gonna take anxiety away, but it helps mute it a little bit. The frequency, the intensity... come down. And I think that also helps that resiliency in knowing, "Okay, yeah, this is a horrible day, but I've got this one thing." Is that what you see too?  

Celina Serna:

All the time. And, you know, I, I'm, like, nodding my head as you speak because one of the things that our clients say and our parents say is like, "Help me fix my kid." And, well, what does that mean... right? Because these are experie... These are lifetime experiences, right? It's how do I help you, again, bring the awareness, um, do something different about it, but also accept the peace that this is going to happen, but hopefully through this work and through the maintenance of what you're speaking to, it's less intense, it help, it happens less frequent. Um, and when it does come up, now I know what to do.  

Kent Toussaint:

How we deal with a resistant teen at Teen Therapy Center, which is all the time, that's, that's Tuesday. Um, I always tell the parents, if they can get the kid into our office, we can take care of the rest. 'Cause oftentimes kids do wanna talk, they're just terrified, or they don't want their parents to know. Like, we'll do the intake session, the mom and dad will come in, the kid'll be there, and the kid's sitting there like, "I'm not gonna talk, dude. I'm not gonna talk." And as soon as the parents leave, they start talking. And then, and it's, it's enjoyable, it's an engagingconversation. Bring the parents back in at the end of the session, "This was stupid." And it, because there's this, this conflict between parent and child. It's not every time. There are times as anxiety therapists when it takes a while to break through that resistance. But if you can get, if they're actually willing to come here, that's half the battle. And it, over time, they will, they recognize that we're on their team, we're not a vice principal.  Um, and it, like, if it's in a group situation, they start recognizing, " All these other kids like being here. Maybe this is something cool to do." Um, we prefer doing therapy in person when possible. We think youth therapy in person is much more effective than online. We do have some online clients. If the kid is open to being online, we'll do that, but if they're resistant, it's gonna be even harder. Um, but if they can't, they just refuse to come in and they're refusing treatment, and then there's a real crisis going on, it may n- mean that they need a high level of care, maybe like a residential setting. Obviously, I'm painting with a broad brush. It all, it all depends on the client.  

Celina Serna

Mm-hmm. I, I agree with you. Also, there's something to be said about a resistant teen. Um, we talked about powerlessness and feeling helpless as a parent, right? What about our teens? Teens who don't understand what they're experiencing and the amount of helplessness that they feel, and me being forced to, forced to go into an I- an intensive outpatient program like ours, or even outpatient therapy, I'm giving up that control, right? Um, to Kent's point, if we can get a teen in our door, and we can understand that as clinicians and come from that lens and be compassionate and just focus on that initial connection with our teens, most times the, the willingness, the willingness, the cooperation, and the trust that we're able to build, even in that 30-minute to an hour assessment, however long it takes, makes a huge difference. And one of the things that I tell parents all the time, um, you know, "Just come tour. You don't, there's no commitments. You don't have to commit to being here. Bring your teen in, let them see the environment." It's pretty cool, if you ask me. I like this place. Um, you know, come look at the environment and you'll see it's not a hospital setting. You know, most teens think out- intensive outpatient program hospital, and it's, it's not that. So always trying to get the teen just to come check it out, meet the staff, uh, without any commitments, and sometimes that's helpful.