Help! My Teen Is In A Bad Relationship!

Your 15 -year -old daughter is in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend and it's driving
both your daughter and you insane. What are we going to do about it? Well, let's talk about that
today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Tussaud. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist
and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. By the way, if you
or someone you care for could really benefit from consulting with a compassionate and effective
family therapist, please contact us here at Teen Therapy Center. Our contact info is in the
caption below. Now let's jump into today's, let's jump into today's parent -submitted question
on Tips on Teens. My 15 -year -old daughter has been dating a guy for about six months. He is controlling,
asks her to block male friends, and has violent behaviors. He told her that if I, the mom, became
frustrating to beat me up. I have tried to explain that he will do that to her. I understand that
trying to separate them can have the

opposite than desired result and she can get more attached to him. I just want her to understand
that all those controlling behaviors are not okay. But I don't know how to do it. I don't know
if I should take away the phone or not. Every time we talk about him not being good for her, she
has a panic attack. I have tried to tell her that the pain won't get better. She keeps putting
him over everything else, including her parents and her future. I feel like I am losing her to
him. Please help me. Thank you for your question. This is in response to last week's question,
which is a very similar vein, but we had a boy with a toxic girlfriend, a lot of the advice is going
to be similar. But there are a couple of things that really stand out here. Number one, you are
scared about this boyfriend's violent behavior. You may need to alert law enforcement. I don't
know. I don't know the extent of what violent behavior is. But if he is threatening her, threatening
you, that may be something that constitutes

law enforcement. Maybe a restraining order. I don't know, but you need to resolve this and figure
out where the extent of the law can be here. Secondly, when you talk about her, you know, having
panic attacks, when you talk about this, panic attacks, that's a real thing. That's not something
just to like dismiss like, oh, she'll get over it. She may need more support, whether that's
from a therapist, maybe eventually medication. I don't know, but consulting with professionals,
mental health professionals may help you support your daughter and may help her find a more
of an even balance so she can make more thoughtful decisions on this. And I agree with you, the
more you try to badmouth the boyfriend and point out how bad he is, likely the more she's going
to run towards him and gonna tell the boyfriend everything you said and just going to separate
you more and more from your daughter. You know, I think it is important to still maintain appropriate
boundaries. Whether that's about going

to school, homework, household chores, dinner with a family, all those things still need to
be in place. And don't focus on how the boyfriend is impeding it, but her decision. She is making
these choices and the more we can empower her to make thoughtful choices may help her eventually
make thoughtful choices to find a healthier relationship. So we've talked about individual
therapy, we've talked about possibly psychiatry, I I don't know if she needs that, but it's
worth talking about. But also maybe a group therapy, maybe a group of other high school girls
where she can talk to other girls and talk about this situation. Sometimes hearing from other
peers going, hey, that's crazy, you shouldn't put up with that, may help her start realizing
that maybe this is not the best relation for her. Again, like most teenage relationships, please
be patient because they all seem to end. They all, I mean, how many of us are really dating our
high school girlfriend or boyfriend? Very, very few. Now,

does it happen? Yes. Is it likely to happen in this relationship? Probably not. So be patient.
Now, this is really hard to do. I'm not giving you easy advice to follow because watching your
daughter suffer and choose to put herself in this abusive situation is really hard. And I wanna
make sure that you're getting your support so you're not projecting your anxiety and your fear
and your anger onto her. So you can be that safe place. So when she does recognize, hey, I'm in
over my head, I need help, you are a safe place. She doesn't see you as wagging your finger saying,
I told you so, because that will prevent her from going to you for support and compassion and
help. It's a tough situation. Make sure you're getting support. Maybe look into getting your
daughter's support, either in individual therapy, group therapy, possibly psychiatry,
because the panic attacks, my hunch is this is not the only place she's having panic attacks.
So look into the options of support you have for her because

the boyfriend is a symptom. It's not the cause of everything. I'm not saying he's not adding
fuel to the fire because he probably is, but it's not like you get rid of the boyfriend and she
goes back to being a healthy, happy kid. There's something else going on. That's my hunch. Anyways,
thank you for your question. We love your questions. Keep them coming. If you'd like me to answer
your question here on Tips on Teens, every Wednesday at noon, live on Facebook Live, email us
at tipsonteens at teen therapy center .com. Or you can direct messages right here on Facebook.
We love your questions. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit
501 c three organization, child and teen counseling here in Woodland Hills, California. Thank
you and we'll see you next Wednesday. Bye bye.