Oh no, your teenage daughter has a toxic best friend. Well, let's talk about that today on Tips
on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize
in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. By the way, if you or someone you
care for could really benefit from talking to a family therapist, please reach out to us at Teen
Therapy Center. Our contact information is down below. Now let's jump into today's parent
submitted question on Tips on Teens. My 13 year old daughter has a girlfriend who is very toxic.
Every time she hangs out with this friend she seems really down and surly afterwards. From what
my daughter has told me, I know this friend is very negative in general and critical of my daughter
and our home when she comes over. They always do a lot of whispering and corners and such too,
which really bugs me. How do I help my daughter recognize how negative this person is without
accidentally pushing her closer to the toxic
friend? Thank you for your question. I think many parents can relate to this one.
There's many different directions I want to go with this. The first thing I want to focus on is
how you talk about after the friend leaves the house, your daughter feels negative and feels
down and feels surly and grumpy. And I'm wondering how you can support her in those moments that
will she just totally refuse to be around you? Will she be open to your warmth and compassion?
Now, if you can get her to start talking, here's the trap. This is not the opportunity to bash
the toxic best friend that is just going to put this best friend on a pedestal. And your daughter's
gonna feel like she has to defend this person and protect her. So don't take the opportunity
to go, see, she's wrong. Find new friends. We know that's what she needs to do, but she needs to
come to that on her own. You planting that seed in her is going to make it her farther and farther
away. So the more you can offer that warmth, that compassion, however your daughter can receive
it. If she will accept warm, loving touch,
all the better. Some kids won't. I understand that. So, it's finding what your kid will accept,
maybe just sitting next to each other in the car. Some kids really respond better to that. So,
we're not looking at each other, you're in the car, maybe that's what she'll talk more. If she
starts talking about what she's feeling and what she's upset about, again, don't jump to the
conclusion of the finish line. Allow her to get there on her own. Just offer her empathy and support.
You can ask her questions like, Wow, you know, is this how you want to be treated? Are you okay
with this? Now, here's the thing. When you go through this experience with your daughter, if
your daughter has other friends, if she has other activities that she's doing, this friendship
may be short lived. However, if your daughter's whole social existence is based on this one
girl, it's going to be a harder slog because she may be so scared of letting go of this because
if she lets go of this toxic best friend, she has
no one. And a 13 -year -old girl or boy, so much of their identity is based on feeling connected
to others around them. And this is normal human development. This is not unusual for a teenager.
So we have to understand that. So if your daughter is in a place where her whole social identity
is wrapped on this toxic friend, we may need to help her long -term start building other friendships,
getting her involved in other activities, school choir, softball, robotics. It really doesn't
matter what as long as she's doing something where she's connecting to new people another thing
is Let's assume this toxic friend is being disrespectful at your home and you feel it's disrespectful
Number one don't take it personally if you're allowing a 13 year old to insult you and you feel
betrayed and insulted and hurt that's a you problem not a 13 or problem a 13 year old should not
be able to get under your skin like that by rolling their eyes or saying rude comments. You can
still set boundaries. You can,
you know, have them both sit down and say, listen, we have boundaries in our house that we speak
to each other with respect and kindness. And this is how we're going to go. If you want to keep
coming here, you want to be here, we're happy to have you here. But you know, these are the rules
that we have. You do this from a place of compassion, patience, empathy. Remember, she's 13.
She is not, she does not have a fully developed adult brain. So have some patience, empathy with
this girl. If she's reacting this way, imagine the pain this girl is feeling in her own life.
So again, the more patient and empathic you can be, I think the more response you're gonna get
and the less you're going to jump into the role of the big bad evil dragon, which this girl may
want you to be because it makes it easier for you to be there. And if you step into the dragon role,
it's easier for your daughter to push you away and then idealize the friend. So set the boundaries
and if she can't follow these boundaries,
maybe she doesn't come over anymore. However, there still be friends at school, maybe online,
so you can't just legislate this friendship. The more you can show everyone, especially your
daughter, who you really are and the compassionate, kind, loving person you are, the more your
daughter will see it and it'll be easier for her to lean on you when this other friend is mistreating
her and hopefully help her find new avenues of friendship and activity. It's a big question.
If you feel like you need more support with this, again, give us a call here at Teen Therapy Center.
We work with clients like this all the time. Also, our nonprofit, Child and Teen Counseling,
at the same office where we have lower fees. We have therapists for all budgets and all experiences.
We really focus on kids, teens, and families at Teen Therapy Center and child and teen counseling.
So give us a call. If you'd like me to answer your question here on Tips on Teens every Wednesday
at noon on Facebook Live, email
us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or you can direct message us right here on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube. We love your questions. Keep them coming. I will see you next Wednesday
and have a good week, guys. Bye -bye.
If your teen has a toxic friendship, it can be frustrating to see that person in your home, stirring up negativity. You might want your teen to cut ties, but that’s easier said than done. Here’s what you can do to handle the situation without pushing your child away.
First, avoid openly criticizing their friend. Even if you see the relationship as toxic, bashing the friend can make your teen defensive. Instead, they may feel like they have to protect their friend, which only drags out the situation.
You also can’t force your teen to stop hanging out with this person. They need to reach that conclusion on their own, and they will—eventually. The best thing you can do is be warm, patient, and ask open-ended questions that get them thinking about their feelings. Helping them reflect will guide them to see the issues for themselves.
Remember, friendships are critical to a teen’s sense of identity. If this friend is their only social connection, letting go will be tough. Try encouraging your teen to explore new activities or join groups where they can meet others. Expanding their social circle can help them realize they don’t need to rely on a negative relationship.
Lastly, set boundaries in your home. If the toxic friend’s behavior is crossing lines, have a calm conversation about respect and kindness in your house. Keep in mind, they’re likely just a 13-year-old who shouldn’t be able to rattle you. Patience and empathy go a long way in keeping things peaceful.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.