What do you do if relationship red flags start popping up in your teen’s romance?

So, what do you do when your 15 -year -old daughter has a boyfriend who's getting a little too
controlling for your liking? That is today's question on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and
families live happier lives. I run two organizations, the Group Private Practice Teen Therapy
Center, and the nonprofit organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland
Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I come to you on Facebook Live to answer your parenting
questions. Let's jump into today's. My 15 -year -old daughter started liking a boy over the
past year and after she turned 15, they started dating, which means they can be driven to a public
place and spend time together or be at his house or ours with parents present. With quarantine,
they mostly hang out virtually. He is a polite boy with a good heart. However, there have been
occasions when he has become quite upset that she is

spending time via FaceTime, text, etc. with other friends and not him. And then when she's interacting
with her other friends, he is constantly texting or calling her and the friend. I've talked
with her about how controlling and unhealthy that is, and I also believe some of it is just immaturity.
I've also talked with him and his mom, and he has started going to counseling. Great. I've debated
whether to exert more parental control and enforce restrictions on their relationship. With
COVID, they don't spend as much time together in person, but he's always calling or texting
her non -stop. My question is this, turn the page here, while I do not like this controlling immature
behavior coming from him, I want to know what I can do to help my daughter stand up for herself.
She is so passive. I hadn't realized how much until this. We talk about it whenever it happens
and she tells me she knows it's not good or appropriate, but she's not telling him. I know they
care about each other and I've

tried to be patient and understanding but it just happened again. It causes so much stress and
she has got to speak up for herself. I'm afraid that even if this boyfriend goes away, she'll
find herself in the same situation with the next one or just in general. So it's a big question,
a lot going on. First of all, let's point out some of the positives here. First off, sounds like
you and your daughter have a really healthy dialogue and a healthy relationship which is the
biggest strength you have So, I applaud that and I encourage you to maintain that as much as you
can. Secondly, it sounds like you, the parent, have a healthy dialogue with this boyfriend's
mom as well, and the boyfriend. So, it sounds like both parents are there to help guide these
two teenagers toward a more healthy relationship. There is no such thing as a perfectly healthy
relationship. We are all dysfunctional humans, we're all flawed humans, we're all a little
flawed, and that's okay. is learning how to deal with

our flaws and cope with our flaws to make more conscious choices. Thirdly, this boy has gotten
to his own counseling, so hopefully he's getting the support he needs. Let's focus on the relationship
between this mom and this daughter, helping with self -empowerment, self -advocacy, and self
-worth. So there's a lot of ways we can deal with this. First, keep your ears open and your mouth
smaller. You know, you can talk, but make sure you're you're hearing more. Make sure you're
there to support her. The more you tell her, the more you try to direct her, the more she's going
to just go back in her shell and not think. We need to make her talk it out. Also, the more you try
to legislate this relationship, the more you're going to idealize this boyfriend and the more
you're going to make her need to defend this boyfriend instead of seeing him for who he really
is. Will this boyfriend be the boyfriend and the next partner in her life? Probably not. Most
likely she's going to have several partners

throughout her life before she gets married or maybe married several times. Who knows? Very
few high school relationships go beyond high school. There are some, and I know of some, but
there are very few. So again, I don't want to go too deep into what's going on with his boyfriend,
but I want to go into more with this daughter and this mom. So as a mom or as a parent, how are you
demonstrating that self -advocacy, that self -empowerment, that self -worth? How are you
modeling it for her to follow? She's going to follow your actions more than she'll follow your
words. So with your spouse or your ex -spouse, whoever you co -parent with, do you model self
-respect, self -advocacy, taking the higher road? Does she see that from you? Let's say you
and her father are still together, for example. Do you both demonstrate that kind of maturity
and that kind of self -respect with each other? Do you talk about how she sees a healthy relationship?
Would she want to be, you know, how does she see a

trusting relationship? Does she want to be trusted? Does she want to trust him? And we can talk
about, is it worth being in a relationship where there's no trust and there's no respect? Is
that really a relationship that feeds us? If we're constantly worried about what the other
person is going to say or do or if the other person is going to leave us, depending on what we do
or say if we do the wrong thing, Is that a tenable relationship? And just because you say it once
doesn't mean she's going to internalize it. It may take a while. She may have to stub her toe in
this relationship several times until she realizes what she wants is healthy. And at 15, it's
really hard to do that. I mean, it's hard to have a healthy relationship at 15. It's hard to do
anything healthy at 15. But hopefully, if she can stub her toe in this relationship, it will
help her with her 18 -year -old relationship and her 24 -year -old relationship. You know, unhealthy
relationships, we've all been through them.

They're not necessarily bad to have as long as there are some boundaries around it because that
helps us learn what we want and what we don't want. Hopefully, those of you in a healthy relationship
now, you've probably learned from past relationships that were less healthy and learned more
of what you want and what you don't want. What you're willing to accept and what you're not willing
to accept. How are you willing to be in a relationship to be healthy as opposed to not being healthy?
And some of that is trial by fire and it is painful and it's hard to watch our kids go through that
pain You can't shield your kids from that. I don't think as long as this relationship is not getting
dangerous I wouldn't stand in the way of the relationship now You may want to talk about it and
be there for her feelings again Bigger ears smaller mouth, but the more she can talk it out, you
know Maybe she can get to the point where she can go. I'm so tired of this I don't want to be in this
kind of relationship

anymore or I need to tell him And you can talk about, if we don't tell him, how will he know? And
if you do tell him, and he gets upset and wants to leave you, wouldn't he leave anyway? Again,
these are all very conscious, adult thought processes that it's hard for a 15 -year -old in the
thick of it to understand and cope with. Sometimes using metaphor, talking about it in the third
person, if her friend was in this situation, what would she want for her friend? Or what would
she want for her older sister if her older sister was in this situation? There's a lot of ways
to go around this. Be patient. Take your time. This relationship will most likely end at some
point. And hopefully you're right. She learns from this relationship and goes to the next relationship
having more confidence. It's a process. And we wish that our 15 -year -old daughters and sons
could have the strength and confidence of a 35 -year -old. It just usually doesn't happen until
the 35, unfortunately. You know, just

think of everyone watching this. How uncomfortable and how would lack of confidence do we have
at 15 that now we've grown and have more confidence and have more Awareness and we wish we had
that at 15, but there's no way we could have that 15 because we were 15 Anyways, stay supportive
keep listening keep being there for her try not to direct her too much, but ask the questions
so she can find those answers and and keep the questions coming. If you want to talk more about
this, give us a call here or text us or direct messages. Or if you have a new question you'd like
us to answer next week, give us an email at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com. You can always
direct messages here on Instagram or Facebook too. Love seeing you guys. Thanks again. My name
is Kent Toussaint from Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling, and I'll see you guys
next week. Bye -bye.