Helping Your Child Through Fear

Halloween may be over, but it left your daughter with a fear of ghosts. Congratulations. Let's
talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and
family therapist. And we answer your questions here on Tips on Teens every Wednesday at noon.
By the way, if you have, or someone you love could really benefit from speaking to a family therapist,
please reach out to us at Teen Therapy Center. Our contact information is down below. Now let's
jump into today's parent -submitted question here on Tips on Teens. My daughter is 10 years
old and due to all the recent Halloween stuff, she recently got freaked out by seeing a ghost
in her room at night. I tried to help her realize that the ghost she saw was just a reflection from
a night light. When we turned it off, the image went away. She's still scared of ghosts in her
room now. I don't know if I believe in ghosts, but I don't want to invalidate her either. What
if there really was a ghost and I totally

didn't support her? I feel that no matter what I do, it is wrong. Any thoughts? Yes. Thank you
for your question. This is something we talk a lot about in a lot of the families we work with.
First of all, I'm going to go from your perspective of you don't know if ghosts are real or not.
I know many people have very strong opinions on this. I'm not here to tell you what your opinion
should be. I'm just gonna go from the writer's point of view that you are ambivalent. You don't
know if ghosts are real or not real. You can choose the viewer believe anything you want to believe.
Regardless of what you believe, here's what I assist you do not do. Don't just say ghosts aren't
real. Now go to bed. Now you may feel that's right. You may not believe in ghosts. You feel may
think all this is hogwash and that's fine. But your daughter's going through an emotional experience
and you're trying to apply a logical solution to an emotional experience. which does not work.
So first of all, what I'd recommend

you do is come from a place of empathy and compassion. If she's open to warm physical touch, put
your arm around her shoulder, let her cry, comfort her, let her be there for her. You know, you
can show her that the light when you turn it off, that image of a ghost is gone, which I think is
great, but she's still feeling that ghosts are there. Are there ghosts? I don't know. It's not
for me to say, but she feels they are. So You have a few different options. Again, I don't recommend
the, ah, just walk it off, you'll be fine. I don't think that's going to help her at all. But what
I do recommend is maybe do some kind of ritual. There are rituals from all different cultures
on how to deal with this. You can make up your own ritual. There's cultures that burn sage. There's
cultures that say a prayer. There's cultures that sing a song and do a dance. It really doesn't
matter what it is as long as it gives her a sense of empowerment and control. You can also have
her talk to the therapist. Help

her start developing that voice of saying, hey this is my room. Thank you for stopping by. I don't
need you to come by anymore. You may leave. Inviting the ghost to leave. Giving her sense of agency
and voice. You also may find that finding a different nightlight in a different place may not
put an image or you know a shape on a wall which may help her feel a little more safe and not that
she's saying something. This is something that's going to take time. You're going to need to
approach it uniquely and visually based on what your daughter's needs are, or if this is for
someone else's family, your son. This is not an uncommon thing. Oftentimes, and I'm painting
with a broad brush here, but oftentimes, fear of ghosts, fear of the dark, is often just a fear
of being alone. And a child sleeping by themselves, historically through the span of human
existence, is not a safe place to be. Let me make that message go away. Oh my gosh, there are all
kinds of messages going on through here. So throughout

human history, children slept in groups with their families, you know, hunter -gatherers.
Even like before the Industrial Revolution, before there was like electricity in homes, kids
would sleep with their siblings, if they are rich, with a nursemaid, with their parents. And
it's only in the last hundred years that kids have come sleeping by themselves, or even less
than that. So a child sleeping by themselves, historically, is prey for a predator at night.
So it's not uncommon for us to be hardwired to want to be sleeping with someone else, or nearby
someone else. I'm not saying that you can't have your kids sleep in their own bed in their room.
I understand that's part of our culture now. But just understand that for many kids, it's a transition.
Having them have a stuffed animal, having them have a nightlight that doesn't put a shape of
a ghost on a wall is probably helpful. Again, find what works for your family and lean into that
to support your daughter so she feels safe and secure

and supported by you. That's our question for today. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen
Therapy Center and the nonprofit organization, Child and Teen Counseling. If you'd like me
to answer your question here on Tips on Teens, email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter
.com. We love your questions. Keep them coming. I will see you next Wednesday noon on Facebook
Live and have a great week, guys. Bye -bye.

Hmm, I want to turn off.