How do you handle yourself when your Ex is turning your daughter against you?

So, you divorced your ex -spouse because of narcissistic abuse, and ever since then, your ex
-spouse has tried to manipulate your teenager into alienating from you and being away from
you, and it's working. What do you do? Well, let's talk about it today on Tips on Teens. My name
is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping
kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations. the group Private
Practice Teen Therapy Center, and the non -profit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling,
both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I join you on your lunch break
on Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's jump into today's question.

Excuse me. I've been divorced from my abusive ex -husband for five years. My daughter is 17 and
she carries a lot of shame about being from a broken home, which I believe my ex uses to manipulate
her. She lives with me. He gets her every other weekend and occasional holidays. Now even though
he did not attempt to change the custody arrangement when it was being hashed out, he tells her
I am trying to keep the two of them apart because he gets so little time with her. When I try to correct
her, it turns into an argument and she tells me I am bad mouthing her dad. I've given my life for
this kid. She has not spoken to me for nearly a year. The tension in my house is ridiculous. The
minimal interaction she must have with me is dripping with disdain and disgust. I am crushed
every day when I go home to this environment. I believe in my soul that she knows the truth but
it's easier right now for her to believe a lie. What do I do until the truth surfaces and she has
to deal with it? So a lot

of people go through this. This is a really tough situation. Narcissistic abuse, for those
of you don't know. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. Long story short, very much a nutshell,
where a person doesn't really see the difference between their feelings and someone else.
They project their feelings on everyone else and it's all about them. So in this situation,
if this husband, you know, this ex and this father is narcissistic, if he's mad at mom, well then
daughter should be mad at mom. And there is no, there's no option from that not to happen. And
so what happens is if this daughter who maybe loves her dad no matter how unhealthy her dad is
still her dad and she loves him and maybe she feels that she needs to take care of him and protect
him which can be part of the narcissistic abuse because she's not qualified to protect him or
take care of him she's 17 but she is now taken on this role and now kind of this star -crossed lovers
not literally but metaphorically we're now this relation

with dad is high in drama and in really impactful and gives her this sense of urgency and this
sense of purpose. It's unhealthy, it's out of bounds, but this is maybe where she is. Also, it
could be that mom is the stable force in her life, could be that mom is safe, and she knows that
if she lashes out and attacks mom, dad will not reject her, but somehow in her unconscious she
realizes that mom won't reject her either. Mom is going to love her no matter what, so mom gets
all the trash, right? and it's horrible. And as a parent, it feels miserable. And this is a marathon.
You're gonna go through this maybe for years, unfortunately. There's no shortcut through
this. So I need you to make sure that you, as a parent, are prepared for this. Make sure you're
getting your support, whether it's from your therapist, your family, your friends, your rabbi,
your priest, your minister, whoever that is. Make sure that you have a place you can vent and
get the support you need So when your daughter

comes in and she's throwing all this stuff that she's getting projected on her from her dad That
you can stand your ground as be stable and loving and be the mature confident loving adult She
needs so here are some of the traps, right? Some of the traps are defending yourself saying well,
that's not what I said. Your dad is lying Do not attack dad Do not justify what you've said not
just by Do not try to explain what your dad what her dad is saying The more you try to do that the
more you feed into the process of you know feeding into the battle And this is a challenge. This
is really hard to do That's why it's really important that you're getting the support you need
so you can be conscious of how you respond in these situations So the one thing you never want
to do again, don't badmouth dad don't say well Well dad well if he wanted more time with you He
should have argued that in court, but he didn't you've said that already several times She doesn't
like it. She takes as you bad -mouthing

dad So when she says you're keeping me away from dad and I want to see him you can say just empathize
with their feelings I'm sorry you feeling way. I can tell that's really upsetting. I fire you
your situation That's what I heard. I'd be upset too and leave it at that. Don't try to explain
yourself Don't try to explain why dad is saying what he's saying because whatever you say is
just gonna go back to dad He's gonna twist it and turn it back against you So, whatever you say
to her, make sure it's something that you would have no problem with anyone hearing, including
her dad, including her dad's lawyer. And this is tough. It's tough to go through this. Again,
that's why it's more that you're getting the support. Also, if she's been living with you for
the last year, and she's been so angry the last year, your daughter needs support. Hopefully
she's getting therapy as well. This is tough. And hopefully that therapist could be the vehicle
to help develop a dialogue between the two of you

so you guys can start mending this relationship. Don't worry about mending the relationship
with dad because you're probably not going to. That ship has sailed. You can't control that.
But keep showing your daughter who you are. Keep being the parent you know who you are. Being
loving, patient, compassionate. Eventually she'll see that. It just takes, it's gonna take
a while. It's gonna take a while for her to become mature. It may take her going to college in realizing,
wow, mom's not putting pressure on me. Mom's not judging me. Mom's not putting these expectations
that are unfair on me. Mom keeps greeting me with open arms and love and support. This is gonna
be more important than her grades. This is gonna be more important than her SAT score. This is
gonna be more important than the college she goes to. I know at 17, she's probably applying for
colleges the big time. College is temporary and where you go for undergrad makes very little
difference. It matters how you approach college

instead of what college you go to. What is important is relationship with you. So keep reaching
out to her keep offering the olive branch. It's hard. It's tough That's why you really need to
make sure you have your support Make sure your daughter has her support Even if dad's trying
to sabotage it keep trying to make sure that you guys have the support you need So you can try to
bridge this gap eventually, hopefully your daughter will have a broader perspective and maybe
she won't need her dad's acceptance so much and be able to see what's really going on and have
a more balanced view. But again, don't fall in the traps of getting into the fight, of trying
to defend yourself, of trying to correct her, of trying to badmouth dad, of saying, well, dad's
wrong because of this. It's a lose -lose situation where the biggest loser will be your daughter.
This is a big topic. This is gonna take several sessions of therapy, months of therapy to work
through this. This is not something that we can

just, you know, flip a switch and change. But it's a big issue and if I think my fear is if you don't
take proactive action, nothing's gonna change. Anyways, good luck. Please let us know how
this is going. And again, if you have questions you'd like me to answer on Tips on Teens, you can
email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or direct message us right here on Facebook.
Thanks again. We'll see you next Wednesday at noon. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint from Teen
Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling, and I'll see you next week. Bye -bye.