How do you discipline someone else's child at your house? Well, let's talk about that today
on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and
I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. By the way, if you or
someone you care for could really benefit from talking with a family therapist, please reach
out to us at Teen Therapy Center. our contact information is down below. Now, let's jump into
today's parent submitted question on Tips on Teens. Recently, we had some of my ten -year -old
son's friends over for a slumber party. One of the kids was very hard to handle. The only time
he was calm was when we watched a movie. Otherwise, he was getting in all the other kids' faces
and causing havoc. He nearly poked someone in the face with a dinner fork. There were a few times
I reined him in. He would kind of settle down briefly, but at the same time was ignoring me and
then be right back at it. I've never had to discipline
someone else's kid and it was very uncomfortable. Do you have any advice on how to do it?" Thank
you for your question. Are you asking, do I have advice on how to make this comfortable or easy?
No, I don't. I don't think there's anything comfortable or easy about this situation. It's
challenging. And I think we just need to embrace the challenge and not try to hold on to anything
like, Oh, I know I need this to be easy. It's not an easy situation. The first thing I would think
of is, if you need to step in and set boundaries with someone else's kid, do it the same way you'd
want someone to do it with your kid with respect, understanding, kindness, compassion, patience,
all that you'd want someone else to treat your kid with kindness and patience. So make sure you're
doing the same thing. Secondly, your son and his friends probably like this kid. He's in the
friend group. So they may be fairly accepting of his eccentricities. So you may not need to step
in and set boundaries too much because
they may kind of self -police or self -regulate or they may just be tolerant of it. You may only
need to step in if this other child is posing a danger to himself, some of the kids, your house,
then obviously you probably need to step in to make sure the lamp doesn't get broken or whatever
that is. And I think you do it in the same way that I would encourage you to do with your child. With
patience, with empathy, with connection, eye contact. And is this kid going to be able to follow?
No. You may need to kind of monitor the whole party the whole time. I imagine this kid's parents
go through this every day. So there's nothing you're going to do to like solve the problem with
a magic wand. You just have to ride it out. Now, if this is one of your kid's best friends and he
may be over often, you may need to collaborate with that kid's parents on, hey, how should I,
how do I respond in these kinds of situations? You know, they may be very open and interested
in collaborating with you, hopefully.
That would work best. But I don't think there's an easy way through this. I wish there was. It's
hard enough disciplining our own kids, but disciplining someone else's kid and we don't know
the background and the history and whatever challenges that kid is facing. Yeah, you know,
you got a birthday party and you got cake and ice cream and he's hopped up on sugar and pizza. That
could be an issue too, who knows? Anyways, it's a tough situation. You probably did the best
you could and hopefully the party went off well. And so yeah, those are my tips on teens or preteens
today. Thank you for your question. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center
and the nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling. If you have a question you'd
like me to answer here on Tips on Teens, email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com,
or you can direct message us right here on social media, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. We love
it. Keep them coming. I will see you guys live on Facebook
next Wednesday at 12. Have a great week, guys. Bye -bye.
TREAT OTHERS (KIDS) LIKE YOU WOULD WANT (YOUR KIDS) TO BE TREATED
Disciplining someone else’s kid is definitely one of the more uncomfortable situations you can find yourself in. It’s not easy, but it happens. When you do have to step in, think about how you’d want someone else to handle your child in a similar situation—with patience, empathy, and understanding.
Remember, your kid and their friends might actually like this child and tolerate their behavior more than you realize. You don’t need to jump in unless the child’s behavior is really crossing a line, like if they’re putting someone in danger or seriously disrupting things. When you do need to intervene, stay calm and connected. Approach the situation with as much empathy as possible.
RIDING IT OUT
Sometimes, you might find yourself playing referee for the entire event. The truth is, this kid’s parents probably deal with these behavior issues every day, so expecting to fix the problem instantly is unrealistic. Instead, you may just need to ride it out and handle things as they come.
If this is a child who’s going to be a regular at your house, it’s a good idea to connect with their parents. They’re likely to appreciate you reaching out and may even have some helpful strategies for how to handle things. Ask how they deal with certain behaviors and see if you can work together on consistent ways to respond.
At the end of the day, do the best you can. It’s never going to be easy, but cut yourself some slack—you’re doing your best in a tricky situation.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.