Your teenager's impulsiveness is out of control. What are you going to do? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's answer today's.
"My son is 13, and he's having severe impulse control problems. He's always doing stuff he knows he shouldn't be doing, but does it anyway. Recently, he stole our credit card to make some in-game purchases in a video game he was playing. We hid our cards, and he found them again. He feels horrible, and he knows it's wrong, but he just can't seem to stop himself. How do we correct this kind of behavior?"
Thank you very much for your question. I don't think you correct it quickly. Unfortunately, he is 13, and he has a 13 year old brain, and he may have some attention issues too, but let's talk about why his brain is different than yours. Again, he's 13, and all 13 year olds are like this, not just him. His brain is different than yours because he has a developing prefrontal cortex. What is that? That's the area right behind the forehead, and it handles basically the executive functioning of the brain, everything we'd connect with a mature, responsible adult's ability to regulate impulses, regulate emotions, and see cause and effect. That's basically what the prefrontal cortex does, and it is not working very well yet in your 13 year old son, or your 13 year old daughter, or your 16 year old. It gets better as they get older, but at 13, it's going crazy. It doesn't fully develop until roughly 25 years of age. It slows down around 18 or so, but from 12 to 17, there's a lot of brain development happening. That's why when you say "do your homework" and he says "okay," and you come back twenty minutes later and he hasn't done any homework and he's been on Minecraft instead, and you say "what are you doing, why did you do that," he says "I don't know." Because he really doesn't know. He didn't think. That's part of the brain that's not fully connecting yet.
So how do you deal with this? You have a 13 year old with an impaired brain. Again, not his fault. All 13 year olds have impaired brains. You had an impaired brain too at 13, and right now you might be saying, "but Kent, I wasn't nearly this bad." Maybe you're right, everyone is different, but maybe you're seeing your adolescence through your 13 year old eyes, and when you were 13, you didn't realize how impulsive and forgetful you were. Ask your parents, they'll tell you.
So what do you do about this? Number one, have calm conversations about it. I know it's easy to blow up and get angry because you're frustrated. Any parent will be frustrated, it's okay, you're a human being, you're going to get frustrated. But once we get angry, as you probably know by now, it doesn't help. It doesn't inspire him to reach greater heights of maturity, it just beats him down. So as best you can, stay calm and talk about the situation. What is it he's really wanting? He's wanting to buy these in game purchases. So how do you help him start earning the money? It's not as quick as stealing it, I get that, but he doesn't really want to steal. He's already told you he feels horrible about it, and he probably feels horrible about it in the moment too. He just can't stop himself.
So how does he start earning an allowance, let's say, to buy the in game purchases that maybe everyone feels are okay if he does it the right way, on the up and up? I have two articles I wrote a while back about allowance. One is about why you'd want an allowance for a teenager in the first place. The other is about one way to structure it. Read them, take what works for you, and incorporate it into what best serves your son or your daughter. There's no one right way to do this. There are a thousand ways. What matters is building a system where your kid feels incentivized, where they're earning, and where they're striving toward greater maturity. Will he be perfect? No, he won't. He'll be pretty imperfect. But if you give it time, and enough boundaries around him, he can start to succeed.
I think you may also need to be diligent for now about locking your purse, your wallet, and your credit card statements away, because right now we just can't trust him, and he can't fully trust himself not to go looking for them. You may also need to limit his screen use for a while. These are all big topics we don't have time to fully unpack in one video, but find ways for him to earn the money, and find ways to make sure you're staying connected with him, where he feels connected to you and safe with you, where you're enjoying time together and not just talking about homework and chores. That way he's more likely to feel safe opening up to you, being honest with you, and keeping your values in mind even when you're not in the room.
It's a big topic, and I'd love to talk more about it, but we're out of time for today. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit Child and Teen Counseling. This is Tips on Teens. If you'd like to join us, you can find our Facebook group, Tips on Teens, and if you'd like me to answer your question, email us at [email protected]. Thank you very much, and I'll see you guys next Wednesday. Bye bye.
Why Your Teenager Has No Impulse Control (And What Actually Helps)
Why Your Teenager’s Brain Makes This So Hard
If your thirteen year old keeps doing things they know they’re not supposed to do, and they can’t seem to stop, it is not entirely their fault. Thirteen year olds really do struggle with impulse control. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain right behind the forehead that handles impulse control, emotional regulation, and the ability to see cause and effect, is still developing and will not fully mature until around age 25. It improves noticeably by 18, but at 13, it is still very much under construction. That is true for every 13 year old, not just yours.
Here is a version of this question we hear often:
“My son is 13 and he’s having severe impulse control problems. He’s always doing stuff he knows he shouldn’t be doing, but does it anyway. Recently he stole our credit card to make some in-game purchases in a video game he was playing. We hid our cards and he found them again. He feels horrible and he knows it’s wrong but he just can’t seem to stop himself. How do we correct this kind of behavior?”
What This Looks Like in Real Life
This is not a quick fix, and that is worth naming up front. A 13 year old brain is genuinely different from an adult one, and that difference shows up in exactly this kind of moment: he knows the rule, he agrees with the rule, and he still doesn’t follow it. It is the same reason a teenager says “sure, doing my homework now” and twenty minutes later is on a game instead, not because he decided to lie, but because the part of his brain that connects intention to follow through simply is not fully online yet. If you feel like your own adolescence wasn’t nearly this impulsive, it is worth considering that you may be seeing it through a 13 year old’s memory of himself rather than an accurate one. Ask your own parents. They will likely tell you otherwise.
Skip the Anger, Stay in the Conversation
The instinct to blow up is completely understandable. Every parent gets frustrated by this. But anger does not tend to move a kid toward more maturity. It just beats him down, and it does not help him reach the follow through you are actually hoping for. What tends to work better is staying calm and getting curious about what he actually wants underneath the behavior. In this case, he wanted the in game purchases. That is not a character flaw. It is a starting point.
Give Him a Legitimate Way to Get What He Wants
If the underlying want is the in game purchase, the more useful project is building a legitimate path to it, an allowance or earning system that lets him work toward the thing he wants instead of taking it. We’ve written more specifically about setting up an allowance system for your teen and making it stick once it’s in place, and either is worth a look for building this out with your own son or daughter. There is no single right way to do this. What matters is a system that makes him feel like he is earning and striving toward something, rather than one that only tells him no.
Add Boundaries While the System Catches Up
In the meantime, boundaries are not a punishment, they are a bridge while his impulse control catches up to his intentions. That might mean locking away cards, cash, and wallets for now, since he cannot yet trust himself not to go looking for them. It might mean limiting screen access for a while too. None of this has to be permanent. It is scaffolding, not a life sentence, and it can loosen as he shows you he is ready for less of it.
Keep Building the Relationship Underneath It All
None of this works as well without connection underneath it. Make time with him that is not about homework, chores, or what he did wrong. The more he feels safe and respected with you, the more likely he is to be honest with you next time, and the more likely your values actually land with him instead of bouncing off. He will not be perfect. Given enough time, enough boundaries, and enough connection, he does not need to be.
FAQ
Why does my teenager have no impulse control? It is not a character issue. The prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and the ability to connect actions to consequences, does not finish developing until around age 25. At 13, it is still early in that process, which is why even a teenager who knows better and feels bad about it can still struggle to stop himself in the moment.
Is it normal for a 13 year old to steal money or a credit card from their parents? It happens more often than most parents expect, and it is usually less about dishonesty as a trait and more about impulse control catching up to intention. That does not mean it should go unaddressed. It means the response works better as boundaries and a legitimate path to what they want than as a moral verdict on who they are.
Should I punish my teenager for something they say they couldn’t control? We would lean toward boundaries and structure over punishment for its own sake. Locking away cards or limiting access to money for a while is reasonable and protective. Piling on anger or shame on top of that tends to backfire, since it rarely builds the self control you’re actually trying to teach.
How do I stop my teenager from doing this again? Start with a calm conversation about what they actually want, then build a legitimate way for them to work toward it, an allowance or earning system, alongside boundaries like limiting access to cards or screens while that system takes hold. The combination of structure and a real path forward tends to work better than boundaries alone.
Will my teenager’s impulse control just get better on its own? It does improve with age. Most parents notice a real shift by 18, though full development continues into the mid twenties. That said, “it gets better eventually” does not mean nothing needs to happen in the meantime. Boundaries and connection now still matter.
When should impulsive behavior be more than typical teen development? If the behavior is escalating, involves real danger, or is tied to bigger patterns like anxiety, attention difficulties, or a teen who seems unable to connect with consequences at all, that is worth a conversation with a therapist rather than waiting it out. A one time incident like this one usually is not a red flag on its own.
Get In Touch
If your teenager’s impulse control feels like more than a phase, or you would like support building a plan that actually works for your family, we are here to help. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.
Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.