Negative Self Belief and Teens

So your teenage son insists that he's ugly, he's struggling with social anxiety and depression.
How do you help him? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and
families live happier lives. If you or some of your family could really benefit from talking
to someone like me, a child therapist, please reach out to us. we're happy to set up a free phone
consultation to see how we can best support you and your family. Our contact information is
right down below. Let's jump in now to today's parent -submitted question on Tips on Teens.
My 15 -year -old son began a dark and painful descent into depression and social anxiety about
two years ago. He is now struggling with the fixated belief that he is ugly and everyone sees
him that way, which is causing him to run and isolate. I've tried almost everything. Therapy
hasn't helped and I'm at a loss. What can I do to help him?

Thank you for your question. This is a really tough place for a parent to be because we just feel
so helpless. We want to help so badly. We see our kids suffering and we feel like there's nothing
we can do. There's a lot of things that I would like to address. First is, and this is the most important
part, is maintain your compassion and empathy. That does not mean you're trying to convince
him that he's not ugly. That is a red herring. it is a dead end, it will lead you nowhere. In fact,
it will probably be counterproductive. It'll make him feel more ugly and more isolated and
more alone. Instead, have empathy and compassion for the feeling he's having. He's feeling
sad, excuse me, he's feeling helpless. We all know what that feels like. We've all been there.
Every human adult has felt helpless and sad and beaten down in some aspect of their life. And
just focusing on, well, just pull yourself up the bootstraps, maybe jumping ahead, maybe putting
the cart before the horse. Instead, if

he'll allow physical, warm physical affection, hold his hand, put your arm around him, and
say something like, I'm really sorry. I know this is really tough. I remember when I was a teen,
I went through some tough times too, and it's really tough, and I'm here for you, and I'm here
to talk to you, and I'll listen, and I love you. Now, this may sound trite, but it is not, because
I think it helps him realize that his feelings are authentic, they're real, and you're taking
his feelings seriously. This is really hard to do for us parents because we just want to get to
the finish line where he's happy and feeling good about life. So, hold on, there's an alert there.
I got to get that away. So what I encourage you to do is stay focused on that. If he's in therapy
and it's not working, collaborate with his therapist on where the goals are, or what other progress
is. I don't know how long you've been in therapy. Have you been in therapy long enough? Is it time
for a shift? Giving him a new set

of ears to talk to? I don't know, but those are things to collaborate with your son and your therapist
on. Possibly, it's also consulting with a psychiatrist for medical options. Now I know some
of you are like, hey, I don't wanna medicate my kids. And I totally get that concern. And what
I would say to that is, medication is not the worst thing you can do for your kid, but it may not
be the first thing you do either. But if you've tried other options and you're just not getting
anywhere, maybe consulting with an adolescent child psychiatrist may benefit your son. Also,
instead of focusing on his looks, let's focus on what he can do. What does he do well? Not where
he is the best, none of us are the best at anything, but what can he do? What does he enjoy that's
not a video game, that's not scrolling? Whether that's something creative, whether that's
something physical, whether that's something social, whether it's volunteering at the senior
center because he likes hanging out with old

people, I don't know. There could be thousands of options that's helping him find those options
that help him feel like that he can do because he can control what he can do. We can't control what
we look like that much. I mean, depending on what you wear, your clothes, your haircuts, makeup,
but there's only so much you can do. And so let's focus on what he can do that gives him a sense of
being proactive and a sense of ability instead of whatever I was born with. This is a really tough
thing and especially as a parent make sure that you're getting the support you need so you can
be grounded when he is not. So you can be that grounded support that he can lean on and that he doesn't
need to feel better to make you feel better. This is a tough thing to do and it may be helpful for
you to talk to someone as well. So just keep that in mind. Again And this is our question for today.
It's a big topic. If you have questions like this you'd like me to answer here on Tips on Teens,
you can email

us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or you can direct message us right here through
social media. We love your questions. Again, if you'd like to talk to someone here at Teen Therapy
Center or our nonprofit, Child and Teen Counseling, contact us. The information is down below.
We're happy to set up a free phone consultation. And thanks again, everyone, and I will see you
next week. Bye -bye.