“How do I get my parents to see things differently for once?”

Hello, welcome to Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,
and I'm coming to you live on Facebook as I do every Wednesday at noon to answer your parenting
questions that you send to us. We love the questions. Keep them coming. I'm very excited about
today's question because it's a little different. So here we go. Are you ready? Is it okay if
I ask a question? I just turned 18 and need some help with my parents. I'm from a hardcore traditional
Persian family and it's really hard getting my parents to let me do anything. I'm graduating
soon and I just want to have fun with my friends this last summer before going to college. Because
I'm a girl, my parents almost didn't let me go to a college out of state, but they finally did after
a lot of arguing before they said okay. They don't seem to get things are different here and I
just want them to understand my side for once. They put so much pressure on me. How do I get them
to see things differently for

once? So I love this question. Thank you 18 year old young woman for checking in with us and asking
your question We're gonna do our best to address this by the way, Sherry Mankiewicz just checked
in said happy Wednesday Sherry Happy Wednesday to you. Thanks for stopping by So, excuse me,
there's a lot going on with this question because there's a cultural divide in this family There's
the one hand that their parents see themselves as very Persian, hold to tight Persian traditions,
but also this young woman identifies more American. And it was interesting because, as you
know, or you may not know, just full disclosure, I'm not Persian. I did not grow up in a Persian
household. I did not grow up in the Persian community. No Persians, but that doesn't qualify
me to to speak eloquently about Persian culture. However, I do have someone on my staff, Kayvon
Babaghan, who is one of our senior staff therapists, who is Persian, and did grow up in a Persian
community, and we discussed, and we quickly

came to an agreement on how we'd address this question. So, Kayvon, thank you again for your
input. Always appreciated. One of the things that Kayvon brought up, I thought was really interesting,
and made it real crystal clear, is he was saying that most parents are coming from a Persian country
to America, they came from a country with very strict rules, based on fear, where individuality
is suppressed and is not the priority. Family is much more important than individuality. Where
in America, obviously, there's a wide range of cultural beliefs in our country, but individuality
is really promoted. It's very much celebrated. So, this young woman is trapped between the
Persian culture of those traditions and wanting to be an individual and be with friends who
see themselves as American too, so she's stuck. And what we would recommend to this young woman
is to see that there are times when your parents are acquiescing to things you want. For example,
they did let you commit to an out -of

-state college, which you wanted and they didn't want originally, so they did see your side
on this. I'm not saying that it wasn't a fight. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult. I'm sure it
is and was and continues to be. But your parents may be more open than you're giving them credit
for. Just like you want them to be more open to you, you have to be open to them. Which is a big thing
to ask. But the way to find the middle ground is to work together. And the way you work together
is make sure that your parents are recognizing or seeing that you're honoring their traditions.
And that you celebrating their traditions and they can trust you. You know, if you go out with
your friends, do they trust that you're gonna be where you say you're gonna go? You know, and
you may say, but I'm 18! I'm an adult! That may be, but they're not gonna see you as an adult until
you're off and married, most likely. And that's just the way it is. You're not gonna change that.
You're not gonna change 50 years

of their life because you want something different. But you might get some. You might get some
of this summer vacation or summer program you want with your friends, you just may not get all
of it. Just like your parents may not get all of the control they want on you. So it's finding this
middle ground between you having some freedoms, but then them also having some kind of connection
with you. And the way you're going to have that is through connection. Are you connecting with
them? Are you spending family dinners with them? Are you having fun with them? Are you finding
humor in these situations, helping them find humor? You know, if you're always battling, they're
never going to listen. It's through connection that they will begin to listen. It's not through
battling. It's not about winning this argument. If you win, you'll all lose because they're
going to resent you and they're going to feel scared and they're going to pull you back in harder.
Just like if they win, you're going to

resent and you're going to sneak out and you're going to do all these things. But if we find a middle
ground where we can find some humor and connection and understanding to all three of you, then
you're more likely to get times to go out with friends on a Saturday night. You may not be able
to stay out as late as you want and that may be the price you pay We don't want perfection to be the
enemy of good, you know You may have some of what you want You just may not get all of what you want
and once you go off to college and you're at whatever University you are out of state. You're
gonna have a lot more freedom because they can't watch you You're gonna be in your own dorm room.
You're gonna be in your own place They can't prevent you from going out on a Friday night. You
can't prevent you from going to see friends So, it's going to take a lot of patience and effort,
you know. And, again, also building trust. Is there a history with you that you've gone places
that you said you were gonna

go and didn't go? You know, are you not ... have you built a reputation of not being trustworthy?
Maybe you have. Maybe you've said, you know what, I'm a good kid. I do my homework. I go where I'm
saying I'm gonna go. And that may be true. And then you can use that as a way to calmly and lovingly
and compassionately communicate to your parents, listen, I've built all this trust. I'm always
where I am. I'm always go where I say I'm gonna go. I'm with the friends that you know. This is what
I'm doing. You can trust me. It's through that connection and that love and compassion that's
gonna help your parents see your side, not angry demands. It's a lot to ask of an eight -year -old,
but you are stepping into adulthood, and I encourage you to take that step bravely. But it's
not easy. Just like it's not easy for your parents to take that step easily either because they're
stuck in their own culture as well. So that's our question for today. I love that this was from
a teenager and not a parent.

Of course, parents, please keep sending your questions and we love your questions. But 18 -year
-olds or 14 -year -olds, you can send your questions in too. We'd love to hear them. Anyways,
if you have questions, you can email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or you can
message us right here on Facebook and we'll get those and we'll answer your questions next week
here on Facebook live 12 p .m. on Wednesday thanks again have a good weekend guys bye bye