Your teenage son finds himself in a toxic relationship, and when you try to address it, he threatens
self -harm. What are you going to do about it? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in
helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. Let's jump into today's parent -submitted
question on Tips on Teens. My 17 -year -old son has been dating a girl since October. Things seemed
okay at first, but by January, he stopped hanging out with his friends. She called and yelled
at him every day while he was on spring break. Because he was busy with hockey, we didn't limit
their time together. Now we've set boundaries. He can see her two to three times a week and the
other days are for family or friends He's completely freaked out saying our rules make him so
unhappy. He wants to hurt himself We've tried therapy, but he quits after two to three sessions
saying he doesn't like the therapist
We feel like we're being held hostage by his threats We can't enforce rules or consequences
without him saying he'll harm himself. What do you suggest? Thank you for your question This
is a topic we've dealt with a lot here on Tips on Teens. The first and foremost thing we want to
talk about is safety. He's threatening to harm himself. Now what does that mean? It's a pretty
vague term. Is that cutting? Is that suicide? Either way, we need to address this. If he's not
willing to be in therapy, now whether that's you found some great therapist, he just doesn't
like them, or you haven't found the right therapist, I don't know.
Even if it's just self -injury, self -harm, cutting, without the intention of suicide, without
help and support, that could easily transition to suicidal thoughts and suicidal actions.
So, you may need to consider getting him checked into a residential facility for his safety.
You can go to your insurance company, contact some of the other therapists you've worked with,
see with who they refer in your area. But this is something serious and you want to take this seriously.
And I think you need to address this with him from a place of compassion, not from a place of judgment
or anger, but from a place of empathy and compassion so he can somehow feel that you are there
trying to help him.
I think that the more compassion and empathy that you guys share, the more open he may be to your
thoughts and feelings and your concerns. What you don't want to do is get lost in the, well, your
girlfriend's bad for you, she shouldn't treat you this way. The more you badmouth her, the more
you criticize her, the more you put him in a corner where he has to defend her. And I guarantee
you, he will tell her everything you've said, which will make her hate you even more, puts your
son in this place where he has no choice, but he feels he has to be the white knight and defend her.
And you don't want to put him in that situation. But you can listen, you can ask him questions
about how he's feeling. Hey, if he's venting about his girlfriend, button your lip, open your
ears. If you need to say anything, just say, hey, how are you feeling with this? What do you want
to do? You don't want to give advice. It's really important that you do set boundaries, that
he does have a balance in his life,
that he does have hobby, that he does have friends, he does have time with his family, he does
have time for school. If the girlfriend becomes his only source of purpose and happiness, he's
going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad
guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going
to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's
going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. He's going to be a bad guy. he's gonna go down a darker
and darker hole. So I agree with you, he does need to have some balance. And the way to do that,
hopefully, is if you can find a therapist that he can connect to, and if he can't, you may need
to look and do higher levels of care, like residential, to make sure that he's not going down
the path of deeper self -injury and suicide. That's our question for today on Tips on Teens.
Thank you for submitting
your question. If you'd like me to answer your question here on Tips on Teens, please email us
at tipsonteens .com. teens at TeenTherapyCenter .com. You can also join our Facebook group,
Tips on Teens. Come join us. We'd love to have you there. Please have your comments. Share your
comments. And if you have any other questions, you can always call us here at Teen Therapy Center.
Our contact information is down below. Thanks again. Have a great week, guys. Bye -bye.
What do you do when your teen threatens self-harm to get around your rules—like seeing a girlfriend more often than you’re comfortable with?
It’s a tough and painful position for any parent to be in. The first and most important thing to focus on is your teen’s safety. If your child is making threats of self-harm and refusing therapy or other support, it’s essential to take those statements seriously and act immediately. That may mean reaching out to a mental health professional, a school counselor, or even crisis services—whatever it takes to ensure your teen is safe.
At the same time, it’s important to approach the situation with openness and compassion. It’s tempting to criticize the girlfriend or point out everything you think is wrong with the relationship, but try to resist that urge. If you villainize someone your teen feels strongly about, you may unintentionally push him further away and make it harder for him to come to you when things go south.
You don’t have to endorse the relationship, but you can create a space where your teen feels safe to process it with you—without fear of shame or an “I told you so.” Eventually, your teen may start to see the cracks in the relationship on his own. When that happens, you want to be the parent he turns to—not the one he shuts out.
Boundaries, compassion, and patience can go a long way. You’re not alone in this—and support is out there for both you and your teen.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.