your 18 year old son skipped town and went to another country for a girl. Yikes! What are you going
to do about it? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint from
Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling here
in Woodland Hills, California. If you, your child, your teenager or your family are needing
a little more support, feel free to contact us. We're happy to provide you a free phone consultation,
see how we can best support you either from in -house or providing other referrals. Our contact
information is in the caption below. Let's jump into today's question on tips on teens. My son
met a girl online in Spain. It's not really Spain. We changed the country for confidentiality
purposes, but for this we'll just say Spain. He learned to speak, read and write Spanish. We
didn't think he would last. He's a great student and a perfect son, except now he secludes himself
all the time and feels like he has to be connected
to her 24 -7. He won't go out with friends and always feels guilty for some reason. Then, we couldn't
believe it, but he took it upon himself to go to Spain without our permission. I can't explain
the emptiness I feel. I'm I just gutted it. I don't know what to do. Any recommendations are welcome.
Thank you for your question. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand why you'd be heartbroken
about this. There's a few things about this. Number one, you know, your son is a legal adult.
If he has the money to fly off to Spain or anywhere else, you can't really stop him. If he can, you
know, a credit to him, he figured out how to do that. Passport and plane tickets, all that stuff.
I'm not condoning what he did, but there's a little bit of, hey look what he was able to do at 18.
Now he's off in another country. I totally get why you feel like this is an unhealthy option.
But there's two ways this can go. One, the most likely option, this relationship ends and he
needs to come back home.
And number two is he and the girl get married and they're together for the next 80 years. Let's
let's focus on option one. You have make sure there's a lifeline, there's a bridge between you
two is important because you may have to pay for that plane ticket home. And you want to make sure
that there is some connection that he feels like he has a way back that he hasn't like burned this
bridge and you haven't burned the bridge. So like other videos we've talked about with toxic
relations in high school, don't badmouth the girlfriend, don't say anything negative about
her, no matter how toxic you think she is, bite your tongue, complain to anyone else, don't complain
to him, because as soon as you complain to him, he's gonna tell the girlfriend, she's gonna hate
you and pull him away from you. And it's gonna create a very toxic situation. So make sure that
there's that bridge for him to come back. And in the meantime, be patient, be loving, be compassionate,
so when he needs to come back,
he can. Now it's up to you how much financial support you want to give him while he's in Spain.
That's totally up to you. He's 18. He made this grown up choice. Does he now need to make some more
grown up decisions, figure out what he wants to do. But another thing is your emotional health
and well being. Like you said, you're gutted. There's a lot of grief and loss in this loss of your
son, where is he coming back? When is he coming back? Do well, I have a relation with him. That
if you if you're not on top of that, the risk is you're going to say things you wish you didn't say.
And if you're talking to a therapist, your rabbi, your priest, you know, someone who can help
support you with the emotions in this, I think it helps you stay on more stable ground, and be
more supportive for him, because you're getting your support. I wish there was an easy answer
this I wish there was an easy way to get him back. But I don't think there is. I think you just have
to wait for him to experience
this and come back and pick up the pieces assuming that that wish of ends. Excuse me. Anyways,
that's our question for today on Tips on Teens. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy
Center and the nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling. If you'd like us to
answer your like me, not just us, but me answer your parenting question here on Tips on Teens
every Wednesday at noon, email us at tips on teens at teen therapy center .com or direct messages
just right here on social media. We love your questions. Thank you so much, and I'll see you guys
next week. Bye -bye.
One of the most emotionally wrenching experiences a parent can find themselves in is when their kid makes a life-altering decision that doesn’t align with their own beliefs. The weight of concern for their safety, the ache of disappointment, and the pang of self-doubt can be overwhelming.
In such moments of distress, finding a path forward may seem elusive, but amidst the turmoil, there are two guiding principles we can offer:
Firstly, maintaining a lifeline of communication with your child is paramount. It’s imperative to approach the situation with a demeanor of calm and compassion. Recognize that mistakes are often part of the journey, and when your child realizes theirs, they should feel secure in returning to you for support. Reassure them of your unwavering presence and understanding, refraining from words spoken in anger or fear that may alienate them further. Particularly crucial is refraining from disparaging their chosen partner, as doing so only elevates them to an unreachable pedestal.
Secondly, prioritize self-care. This may seem counterintuitive amidst the chaos, but neglecting your own well-being only exacerbates the challenge. Whether it entails seeking solace in therapy or leaning on a support network, proactive steps must be taken. Additionally, tending to basic needs such as proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and regular exercise is paramount. By attending to your own needs, you not only fortify yourself but also position yourself to be the reliable pillar of support your child may desperately need.
In the turbulence of conflicting emotions and uncertainty, remember that navigating through these challenges requires both resilience and compassion, for yourself and for your child.
It’s tough, and our heart goes out to you if you’re in this situation. We explain it more in this Tips on Teens:
“My son met an online girlfriend in Spain. He learned to speak, read and write Spanish. We didn’t think it would last. He’s a great student and a perfect son, except now he secludes himself all the time and feels like he has to be connected to her 24/7. He won’t go out with friends and always feels guilty for some reason. Then, we couldn’t believe it but he took it upon himself to go to Spain without our permission. I can’t explain the emptiness I feel. I’m just gutted. I don’t know what to do. Any recommendations are welcome.”
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.