“My kids are ungrateful. Is there anything I should be doing differently to get a little appreciation?”

Hello, welcome to Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
and Founder and Clinical Director of Teen Therapy Center and the Executive Director of Child
and Teen Counseling here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, we come to
you live to answer your parenting questions that you email us to at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter
.com. Let's jump into this week's question. Hello, I'm a mother of three kids, ages six, nine,
and 13. One of the things that has been bothering me lately is that my kids, more so my 13 year old,
are extremely ungrateful. They take everything I do for them for granted and don't thank me
for anything. It was just Mother's Day and they didn't even wish me a happy Mother's Day. I'm
okay with not receiving recognition for every little thing, but every now and then it would
be nice to get some appreciation. I'm also worried it's turning them into super entitled children.
Is there anything I should be doing differently

to get a little respect and appreciation maybe I think there's this is a big question There's
a lot of different directions we can go Since I don't know a lot of the details. I'm gonna paint
with very broad strokes here let's first go to this feeling for this mom who just feels unappreciated
and I don't know if this is the case in your family But oftentimes in my practice I find when there's
a parent who's feeling really unappreciated by their kids They're often also feeling unappreciated
by their spouse or maybe the next the ex -spouse for example and so Dealing with that spouse ex
-spouse feels overwhelming or it feels like a fruitless task So that need for appreciation
gets thrust on to the kids Which of course the kids they can't be responsible for that because
it's way above their head They can't be responsible for their parents feelings But unconsciously,
parents will throw that onto their kids. And it's really important that we, as adults, recognize
where we're feeling unappreciated

in dealing with that. Whether it's working with your therapist, dealing with your spouse,
or your work cohorts, your boss, whoever that is. So it's really important that we are mindful
of that. Secondly, what is the environment in the home where appreciation is being taught?
Is it being modeled to be appreciative? Is this mom or are you and in person watching are you actively
appreciating your children and setting the example? Even when their kids don't follow it of
how to appreciate you know when you're 13 year old takes up the laundry and does his Laundry even
though he's got an attitude. Do you share him with him sincere appreciation for example many
years ago? I had a client about 11 year old boy only child and It was Mother's Day, and he didn't
wish his mom Mother's Day, and he wanted to play video games and have fun He thought it was just
like every any typical Sunday and the mom was crushed and the dad came in He was saying well, I
don't understand why when I was a kid I always made

something for my mom and I said, well, did you remind him? Did you remind him a week before? Hey
this Sunday's Mother's Day. Let's make something for your mom Did you go and remind him? Hey,
make sure you keep your mom a big hug Now you may be saying he is 11 year old. He should know that
maybe not Maybe not 11 girls are kind of clueless sometimes and if we're not modeling that behavior
and we're not actually teaching that behavior It's not gonna cross your kid's mind because
he's gonna be attracted by playing video games or do playing all his friends for him It's a typical
Sunday, you know, it's not about him and 11 year olds 13 year olds 9 year olds They can get very
singularly focused and just have you know cone vision So it's important that we as parents are
setting the example We are modeling that appreciation how often as the parent are you? Showing
appreciation to the other parent in front of your kids to show them how to do it I think it's a really
important thing the more what

you do is gonna have a bigger impact than what you say additionally The entitled thing you feel
your kids are becoming entitled So there's a lot of reasons that could be happening one comment
on the post leading up to this One person said hey just say no sometimes and that may be part of
it I think it goes deeper than that. You know, why are we saying no? Are we saying no arbitrarily
or we say instead of no do we say yes once you've earned it So let's say your kid wants $200 pair
of sneakers. Well, don't just go buy it for him. It's like, okay How are you gonna earn this gonna
cost $200? Here's some ways you can earn that so let's say he starts washing the car He starts,
you know doing extra chores around the house He doesn't really do or you know walks dogs neighborhood
and then he earns that 200 so I'm just buying it for him because if you try to win your kids respect
and love and admiration and Appreciation through buying things it'll never work But letting
them learn how to earn things,

they will learn the value of appreciation much more quickly in that way. Again, modeling for
that behavior and also teaching that behavior and setting an example so they are earning things
and learning how wow earning leads to appreciation. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Anyways,
a big topic, I know. We can go a lot of different directions. I hope this answers this mom's question.
Again, call me back or message us back if you have more questions about this. And if you have a
new question you'd like us to answer next week, just email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter
.com or just message us directly right here on Facebook. And we will look forward to seeing you
next Wednesday at 12 o 'clock here on Facebook Live. Talk to you then.