What are the consequences of having not making boundaries with your kids?

Setting limits and boundaries with your kids and teens is important and trying and challenging,
but it's not the whole story. Let's talk about it today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and
families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, the group Private Practice Teen Therapy
Center and the nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland
Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting
questions. Let's jump into today's question. I'm having a really hard time enforcing boundaries
with my kids on everything, from chores to bathing to internet time. It feels like every day
they go over the line in one way or another. I get tired of being on patrol all the time. And to be
honest, I just don't even know what to say to them. I wasn't really raised with boundaries myself,
and I know that was a bad thing because I

feel like not being able to set boundaries and stick to them has affected me my whole life. And
I also saw how it had the reverse effect of making me feel like my parents just didn't care. How
do I avoid this with my kids? And are there resources you can point me to that can help me figure
out how to do this? Yes. Thank you for your question. Again, boundaries, limits. We need to set
these things. Bedtimes, brushing teeth, keeping your room clean, getting your homework done,
internet time. All these things need some boundaries. Absolutely. But it's not the whole story
because you can set boundaries all you like, but if you're not connected, if your kid doesn't
feel connected with you, they're not gonna care what you say. And I'm gonna give you an example
of what that means. Again, it's not about how much you love your kid. Obviously you love your
kid. You wouldn't be watching this video if you didn't love your kid. It wouldn't be important
to you, right? And your kids love you, but you

can love someone and not be connected. And what gets in the way of that connection is a lot of things.
It's getting all the chores done, right? Getting the laundry done, and the bathroom clean,
and the homework done, and the teeth brushed, and bed on time, and piano class, and all these
things. And we're so focused on getting things done that we forget to stop and connect. And there's
a lot of reasons why that is. And what I would really encourage you to do is have the boundaries
on what those things are, but make sure you make time for connection. It's really important.
For example, divorce is very prevalent in our society. More than 50 % of relationships end in
divorce. Hold on, we got a little mess here. I'd like to share, are there any little free, oh,
okay, someone is trying to put something on here. I'm gonna have that go away. Someone's trying
to put an ad on here, and I don't wanna do that. I wanna talk to you about what's going on here. So
I thought that was a comment on what was

talked about, so I apologize. Anyways, so more than 50 % of marriages end in divorce. And there's
a lot of reasons why the divorce happens. But here's a big reason why. Not the only reason, just
one of the big reasons why. You have two people who love each other, and they're connected, and
they feel great, and they start dating, and they start finishing each other's sentences, and
they make each other laugh, and they just feel connected, and they do anything for each other,
and well, it's wonderful. So they get married, and they have kids. Great, we're gonna share
this love with our kids. It's wonderful. But unfortunately, what can happen for many families
is they stop connecting. They start putting the relationships on hold. So you know what, my
marriage is great. I'm gonna put it on the back burner because I need to focus on my career. I need
to focus on the kids. I need to focus on that book. I need to focus on getting the laundry done,
whatever that is. And you know what, it's okay.

The relationship will be there. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then five years goes by,
10 years goes by. You know what? You start looking at your spouse and like, who are you? Why do
you think the way you do? Why do you breathe like that? And they're just irritating. So they start
bickering, and bickering, and bickering, and bickering to stay connected. It's not a healthy
way to do it, but it's what happens to a lot of families. And eventually, one person does something,
crosses the line, does something that's unforgivable, and all right, we're out, we're getting
divorced. And that connection is just irreparably broken. You may still care for that person,
but there's that connection, that lack of trust. And what I'd say is, with our kids, we can't
let that happen. We have to make sure we prioritize sitting on the couch and stalling with our
kids, or playing board game, or taking them for a walk, or baking a pie together, or whatever
it is that we're making that time where our kids

feel enjoyed, appreciated, and connected. And when they do, they're more likely to follow
the boundaries you set. Bedtimes, internet times, or whatever. I'm not saying they'll do it
perfectly. No kid follows rules perfectly. Actually, some kids do. Those are the kids that
we therapists really worry about, because they have to be so perfect all the time, and that's
a problem. It's important for kids to push boundaries. That's how they learn how to maintain
and stay within boundaries. It's really important. So it's okay that they break boundaries
sometimes. They're going to do that. That's how they learn. But make sure when you enforce those
boundaries, you do it with care, and compassion, and dignity. And it's hard. After you spend
a long day at work, and you're trying to get dinner on the table, and get the laundry done, your
patience is low. I know. I've been there too, and I'm a licensed therapist, and I teach people
how to do this stuff, and I do it imperfectly all the time. But when

you do, it always opens up the opportunity to apologize and repair. And an apology, again, is
not about admitting wrong. It's about acknowledging, hey, you're hurt, and I'm a part of that,
and I want to repair that, and I want to let you know that your feelings matter to me. It's coming
together as people who love each other and want to connect. It's not about power. But you also
want some ideas how to reset boundaries. So I have two articles listed down below that I wrote
several years ago about allowance. And one is why you want to have allowance for teenagers,
and another one is how to do it. And you pick a few things that you're just tired of nagging your
kid on, and you add allowance to it, or screen time to it, and you add bonuses to it. It's all listed
in the article. Much more eloquent than I can do it right here talking to you, I want to keep this
video shorter than longer. I've also listed a few books that I really recommend to a lot of parents
that are great. Do some research.

If you have specific questions about boundaries, give me a call. If you want me to go in detail
about allowance, send me your question. Happy to talk about that next week. Again, my name is
Kent Toussaint from Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. If you like your question
answered, email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com. We love your questions. Keep
them coming. Thank you for your support, and we'll see you next Wednesday. Bye -bye, guys.