Young Romance: How Do I Protect My Kid?

Your 13 year old son has very insulated social circle and is now in a possibly toxic dating situation,
what are you supposed to do? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on teens. My name is Kent
Tussant. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and I specialize in helping kids, teens
and families to live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit
501 C three organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California
and every Wednesday at noon and jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions.
Let's answer today's. I have a 13 year old boy at a small private school. He's in an environment
with few other students and he's hit the age at which his social life is more important to him.
Recently, a girl turned her attention to my son. He suddenly started disappearing into his
room to text and call her and then began lying about it. We discovered that she was being very
sexually aggressive with him. He is now lying

on a daily basis about virtually everything, but specifically about the fact that he's in a
relationship with her. We are discussing moving him to a public school for 8th grade so that
he can have a much wider pool of friends. We are deeply concerned about his physical and emotional
safety with respect to this relationship and we are very troubled by his lack of access to other
boys with whom to be friends. Any help would be appreciated. Well, thank you for your question.
Yeah, I understand why you're frustrated and upset. There's a lot of layers to this. So let's
start one at a time. Number one, this has the danger of becoming like a Romeo and Juliet thing.
Not to have the ending of Romeo and Juliet. That's a bit extreme, obviously, but Romeo and Juliet
were about 13 years old in the story. So the more you try to stop him from engaging in this relationship
with this girl, the more you're going to put her on a pedestal and the more he's going to resent
you. Here's the good news. 13 year

old dating relationships often don't last very long. So bide your time and be patient. Now,
I know right now you feel like this girl is toxic and dangerous to your son, and I get that. There's
a lot of things about this I think needs to be discussed. Number one, what are the boundaries
that he is allowed to have this relationship? Because, again, the more you stop it, the more
you're going to push him towards this relationship, the more he's going to need to hold on to
it just to prove that he's right and you're wrong. He has to fight to defend this because it's
them against the world and we want to de escalate that. So some of the things you may want to consider
is inviting this girl over, inviting this girl and her parents over. Get to know her parents.
Sometimes that helps cool things down and makes this much less an interesting relationship
to have because our parents are friends. Other things you should be talking to your son about
and educating him about is relationships, sex. And

I know right now you don't want your teenager having sex, but he is having sexual thoughts and
feelings and she is allegedly being sexually aggressive towards him. Now, due to all the lying,
it's possible that they both have a spoon in the pot and they're both being sexually aggressive
towards one another. But he is lying about it and trying to hide his part in this. And again, for
a 13 year old, this may seem very empowering, powerful, exciting, stimulating, more so than
his math homework or hanging out with you. So we have to understand the pull towards this environment.
And you're not going to just change it, you're not going to just stop it. It's going to be there.
And the more we can normalize this and regulate it, maybe this kind of, again, fizzles out on
its own, as most middle school relationships do.

So again, talking to your son, making sure that you guys are having conversations about sex,
safe sex, consent relationships, respect, all these different aspects. This is a very wide
ranging conversation that we can't all cover in one little five minute video. There are courses
on this, there are classes on this. There's books and books and books on this. But the more you
guys are talking about this and you guys have a relationship and a connection, the more likely
he's going to take your values in consideration and hopefully make healthier choices. Again,
teenagers with sex, the more informed they are with real information, generally speaking,
the better choices they make. The healthier choices they make. And also, if he does get in over
his head, you want to make sure that he has you to rely on, that he feels he can trust you, that you're
not going to judge him or shame him or punish him. Now, whether transferring him to another school
is the right choice, that's really up to you. There's

other ways if you love this little private school, there's other aspects of life that he can
get. Social interaction, there's sporting events, there's other events, there's scouts,
there's Model UN. There's all kinds of things you can get Lego, robotics. There's all kinds
of things you can get your son involved where he can interact with other boys. But again, if you
feel another school is appropriate, then by all means do that. It's just not going to make his
relation with this girl any less. You're not going to stop that. I think we have to provide an
environment where he lets this run out, and then when it runs out, he doesn't feel shamed and
judged by you, that you knew it was a bad idea. And don't go there as much as you feel it. Be there
with open arms and love and compassion. And let him learn from this experience. If you feel he's
in danger, then I don't know where that danger is. But maybe if you feel someone's threatening
him, getting the police involved may be a good idea. Whether

you want to get the school involved, that's kind of up to you. Sometimes that's a really good
idea to do. Sometimes it's not so good. Depending on what that school administration is and
if you're really having a hard time communicating. And the relation between the two of you is
really strained, possibly consulting with a therapist who understands kids and teens and
can help be that translator and speak both teenager and speak parent and speak both languages
help bridge the gap between the two of you guys. Anyways, that's our question for today. Thank
you very much for your question. If you like me to answer your question, email us at tips on Teens@teentherapycenter.com
or direct messages right here on Facebook. We love your questions. My name is Kent Tussant with
Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. And if you'd like to join our Facebook group,
please join us. It's called tips on Teens. Thanks again, guys, and I'll see you next Wednesday.
Bye.