Do you feel like your teen is starting to look “desperate” on social media?

Are your teenagers' social media posts seeming a little more desperate than usual? Let's talk
about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family
therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead
two organizations, the group Private Practice Teen Therapy Center, and the nonprofit organization
Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon,
I join you on Facebook Live and I answer your parenting questions. And let's jump into today's
question. My teenage daughter is committed to posting at a certain time. It doesn't happen
daily, but when she commits to it, the sense of urgency of getting the right picture taken and
edited in time for the post is high. Also, it's never just one picture. There has to be at least
two, given the infrequency of the posts and the limited number of posts on the account, an extra
effort is made to make sure that the picture she posts

includes as much of everything as possible. Meaning, if the teen has seen other teens posts
where nice shoes or a nice purse or a nice background and lighting are included, not all in one
picture by the way, this teen makes sure that in her post she is including all those things and
makes the picture not seem natural. In my eyes, the picture looks like a desperate effort to
gain validation about so many things. Fancy shoes, designer purse, vacation background,
skin -smoothing editing, sex appeal. When I ask my teen what message she is trying to convey
or mention that the photo doesn't seem natural and instead looks like a lot of effort, I am met
with accusations that I am body -shaming, that I don't ever approve of any picture, and that
other kids are posting the same. and I am sent pics of her sobbing after an obvious tantrum. Now,
it's easy for me to say, I don't approve. You may not post it. We will discuss tonight. To which
she replies, fine, but it has to be before 6 .30, her posting

time. How do I get my message across to help my kid not look so desperate? So, I think the reason
why your daughter seems so desperate is because she feels desperate. I'm assuming she's desperate
for attention, validation, She's not feeling secure in herself. Why? Could be a thousand different
reasons why. Sounds like she's heavily influenced by social media influencers. Instagram
models who always seem like they're perfect. They always have the latest fashion. They're
always in the vacation. They always have the editing, so their skin's always smooth. And so
yeah, they do, you know, Instagram models do not look natural. They look like Instagram models,
which is different than what people look like usually. The problem is, a teenager, 14, 16, wherever
old this daughter is, doesn't recognize that it's theater, that these models are theater,
they're putting on a show. And there are a lot of teenagers who try to idolize this and try to embody
that and try to compare. Because they feel that

since they can't find their own sense of internal validation, they're going to try to emulate
what they idolize. Again, pick whatever Instagram model you want. There's several of them,
but they all kind of have the same thing It's all about flexing how much money they have how glamorous
they are how aristocratic they are And if there's drama that there's drama, but there's there's
always drama with another celebrity, which you know It's as much it's a soap opera basically
And again, your teenager doesn't really understand the difference between the theater of
it and the reality So, my hunch is this young lady is trying to embody what she thinks will help
her feel secure and validated, which it never will. It's an empty hole. It's like always trying
to have validation for how you look. It's hollow. What's really going to help her is finding
the validation inside, knowing that she is a good enough person, not because of how she looks
or what handbag she's wearing, but because the quality

of her character and the quality of the relationship she has in her life. It's hard for a teenager
to grasp. Many adults have a hard time with that still. But hopefully, she may need to talk to
someone. It may be possible that helping her talk to someone, get through this, having a deeper
understanding of this would help. Also, what is the environment in the house? Is there an environment
of flexing? Is there an environment of comparing yourself to the next -door neighbors? Who
has more money? Who has the nicer car? Who has the nicer hair? These are things are all to be aware
of and we may do it without even realizing we're doing it But we can do it as parents sometimes
we can we can influence negatively Inadvertently our children to start judging themselves
and comparing and it's almost always the negative They're never good enough because they don't
feel good enough. So it's helping your kids feel good enough and accepting your kids wholeheartedly
You could try to legislate what your

kid posts online. She's gonna find a fake Instagram account and post there Why do they want to
post at certain times? Could be a lot of different reasons. You know, when you go to Instagram
and you have like the three columns of all the posts you've done, certain people will make certain
patterns, you know, pictures. So they have to post at certain times to make sure that the, like
Teen Therapy Center and Instagram are the same way. We have, you know, three posts a week and
it's all in nice, neat columns. It looks neat and tidy. And some people, it's very important
for that. Also, their friends may be posting around the same times. There are also certain,
you know, legends and rumors that if you post at certain times, you get better responses and
better likes. If your daughter is only looking, is really balancing or what's the word I'm looking
for, measuring her self -worth based on how many likes she gets, you know, you can understand
why this is what she's doing. I'm not saying it's healthy,

but this is her point of view. So I would talk to her less about the pictures she's posting and
more about her self -worth and how she defines her self -worth. because Instagram is never going
to be a significant or sustained way to have self -worth. It's fleeting. Anyways, it's a big
topic. Thank you for your question. If you'd like more questions or more answers about this,
contact us anytime. If you would like us to answer your question next week or a week after that,
please email your questions to tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or you can direct messages
right here on Facebook. We love hearing your questions. Keep them coming. Again, my name is
Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling, and we'll see you guys.
Actually, we're taking next week off, but we'll be back in two weeks, two weeks with Tips on Teens.
See you later, guys. Bye -bye.