Oh no, your teenage son's girlfriend is toxic and you told him that. What are you going to do?
Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed
marriage and family therapist and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live
happier lives. If you or someone you love could really benefit from talking to a family therapist,
please reach out to us at Teen Therapy Center. Our phone number and email are in the caption below.
Now, let's jump into today's, excuse me, let's jump into today's parent -submitted question
on Tips on Teens. My 17 -year -old son's girlfriend had sucked him into her dysfunction. Twice
she has threatened suicide if he didn't come over right now. She is very manipulating and demanding,
but he doesn't see it. He even told me that he was good for her because he was good at helping her
with her mental illness. Unfortunately, I told him she is manipulating him and that I didn't
want him to see her anymore and now he hates
me. Is there a path out of this? Thank you for your question and sharing this. I think a lot of parents
can really relate to this very agonizing, frustrating experience. I think the way out, and
this is gonna be tough, the way out is to reach out to him, sit him down, if he's open to warm physical
affection, hold his hand, whatever it is, and then offer him a genuine and compassionate apology.
So I already know you're going, but hear me out on this. If you were able to sincerely talk to him
about how you've hurt his feelings. You may start to repair the bridge between you. What is that
apology? Here's one possible way to do it. Not the only way, but one possible way. Something
like, son, I want to offer you an apology. I realize that I said some things that hurt your feelings
and your relation with your girlfriend is really important to you. I was scared, but that doesn't
excuse what I said. As I do love you. So please know that I will support you in whatever you need
to do. And I'm here
for you. And again, I'm really, really sorry. End quote. Again, take what you want from that.
That works for you. Leave what doesn't. But now I know that some of you were saying, but wait a
minute, Kent. I'm just enabling him to continue this codependent toxic relationship. and
I don't think you are because he's gonna continue anyway. He already knows you're not thrilled
with this relationship. You've already, you already know that. You're not gonna stop him,
right? You're not gonna chain him to the dining room table. He's 17. He's already has this relationship.
What you're trying to do is repair the bridge so when he does realize that this relationship
is not going well, when he realizes that he may want out of this relationship, he now may have
the beginnings of a safety net or bridge between the two of you that he can come to you for support.
That's what's really important. Again, I've done many videos about teen dating and I really
want to encourage you to remember that the vast majority
of teen relationships end. Very few of us are married to our high school or middle school sweetheart.
Some are, but it's very much the exception to the rule. Trust that this relationship will end
without you pushing it, that he will eventually see it. Now, if he's in really deep and it's affecting
his mental health because he's so focused on her mental health and is codependent, and he's
throwing away his emotional needs, maybe having him talk to a therapist may help him navigate
through this. It's a possibility. So keep that in mind. But from here on out, don't badmouth
the girlfriend, don't raise your eyebrow, you know, don't do that. If anything, just ask questions
like, hey, how are you doing? Are you feeling okay? Are you getting your needs met? Don't even
mention the girlfriend. Just, you know, and he'll probably say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
But somehow deep down inside, he probably knows he's not. But this relationship is the most
powerful thing he's ever felt. For those of us
who've been in codependent relationships, when you come in and you get to be the savior in the
white night, it feels amazing. Of course, it never lasts and it's fleeting. But in his 17 year
old mind, he doesn't have the life experience and the context to realize that it's not going
away. This is just going around in a circle and it's not going to end until she gets healthier
or he gets out. But again, him talking to a therapist may help or he may just figure this out on
his own with your loving support. That's our question for today. Thank you so much. Please keep
your questions coming. If you want me to answer your question here on Tips on Teens, email us
at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com. We're here every Wednesday at noon on Facebook
Live. Love your questions. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and the
nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California.
We love helping you guys out. Keep your questions coming
and I'll see you guys next week. Bye -bye.
IN THE THROES OF SAVIOR SYNDROME
Is your teen caught up in a toxic relationship and can’t see how harmful it really is? The intense emotions they’re experiencing may be the most powerful they’ve ever felt, and the allure of being someone else’s “savior” in a codependent love affair might have them feeling like a hero. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—many parents have been in your shoes.
DON’T WORRY, THIS WON’T LAST
First and foremost, here’s what we tell parents in this situation: take a deep breath, it will pass! Almost all teenage relationships come to an end, and this one is likely no different. Think back to your own teenage years—chances are you had relationships that seemed all-consuming at the time but didn’t last. We understand that staying calm is easier said than done, but it’s crucial to keep this perspective in mind.
ALWAYS SHARE YOUR FEELINGS, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW
One of the most important things you can do is avoid openly sharing your negative feelings about your teen’s toxic partner. Hold back, even when it’s tough. Why? Because when the relationship eventually ends, you want your teen to feel safe coming to you for support. They’ll be far more likely to seek your guidance if they don’t feel judged.
A GOOD OLD FASHIONED REMEDY
If you’ve already let it slip that you can’t stand their boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t panic—there’s still a way to mend things. A heartfelt apology might feel awkward, but it can rebuild the bridge between you and your teen. When the toxic relationship finally comes to an end, that bridge will be the path they take to reach out to you for comfort and advice. Sound challenging? Don’t worry, we guide you through it in this Tips on Teens video.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.