It’s Okay to Question the Relationship

Choosing a therapist for your teen is an act of trust. You’re handing over something precious, so when that trust starts to wobble, it’s normal to feel unsettled about it. We hear a version of this question often on Tips on Teens, and it usually comes from parents who care deeply, not from parents looking for a reason to blow things up.

Here’s a question that captures it well:

“My son is 14 and he’s been with his therapist for six months. We liked his therapist at first, but it feels like she is now pitting our son against us and we no longer trust her. We’d like to get a new therapist, but our son is upset about the idea because he really likes her. I’m not comfortable working with his therapist. I feel like I’m paying her to make my life harder. How do I handle this without my son hating me?”

It’s a nuanced, delicate situation with a lot of feelings in the room, yours and his.

Talk to the Therapist Before You Do Anything Else

Our first and strongest recommendation is to sit down and talk with the therapist directly. See if the mistrust can be repaired. Was there a misunderstanding? Was there a mistake? Therapists are human, and like anyone else, they can get something wrong. Often there’s something you and the therapist can work through together, which is a good outcome, because your son is already on board with this person. That’s not nothing.

What a Real Alliance With Your Teen’s Therapist Should Feel Like

Your son’s therapist is his advocate and his emotional support, the person firmly in his corner. But you need an alliance with that therapist too. That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything. It means you need to feel that your son’s therapist can understand you, take your concerns into account, and balance your emotional needs with his in a family session. If that balance is missing, the relationship isn’t working the way it should, for either of you.

When It’s Time to Move On

If you genuinely can’t build that working relationship, it may be time to find someone new. Will your son be upset? Probably. Will he get over it if he connects with another therapist? Possibly. But we’d still encourage you to try to work things out first, especially given the time you’ve already invested together. If you’ve made a real effort and it still isn’t there, it’s okay to move on and find another ally for your family. A child therapist is really a family therapist. Parents are integrally involved, and it matters that both you and your son have a relationship with whoever fills that role.

A Good Therapist Won’t Just Take Your Side, and That’s the Point

One thing worth naming clearly: your son’s therapist isn’t going to get him to do exactly what you want. That’s not what good therapy does. Your son’s therapist is there to help him build emotional awareness, coping skills, healthier relationships, and the ability to repair and rebound after mistakes. What a good therapist won’t do is simply pivot your son to meet you where you want him to be. That wouldn’t be genuine for him, and no good therapist would try. What you’re working toward is an imperfect middle where you, your son, and the therapist all meet.

We wish there were an easy formula here, but there isn’t. If you have your own therapist, it can help to talk through this decision with them too. It’s a tough call, and it may feel bumpy for a little while either way.

FAQ

How do I know if it’s time to change my teen’s therapist? Start by asking whether the mistrust comes from a specific, addressable issue or a deeper mismatch. If you can name a moment where things went sideways, that’s usually a sign the relationship is repairable with a direct conversation. If you’ve tried that and still don’t feel understood or considered, that’s a sign it may be time to move on.

What if my teen doesn’t want to switch therapists? That’s common, and it’s actually a good sign that he’s attached to the process, even if the fit isn’t right for you. Try repair first, since he’s already invested trust in this person. If a change does become necessary, expect some upset, and know that most teens do adjust once they connect with someone new.

Should I talk to the therapist directly before deciding to make a change? Yes, we’d recommend it as the first step almost every time. Therapists are human and can make mistakes or misjudge a moment. A direct conversation often resolves a misunderstanding that would otherwise end a relationship your son actually values.

Will switching therapists set my teen’s progress back? It can slow things down temporarily, since rapport takes time to rebuild. But staying with a therapist you don’t trust, or who doesn’t make room for you as a parent, usually costs more progress in the long run than a thoughtful transition does.

What if I don’t trust the therapist but my teen really likes her? This is one of the harder versions of this situation, and it’s worth sitting with before you act. A therapist your son likes is doing something right relationally, so try to separate your discomfort from any real red flag. If you can’t get to a place where you feel heard as a parent after talking with the therapist, that alliance is missing something it needs.

How do I bring this up with my teen without it feeling like a betrayal? Be honest without putting the therapist down. You can tell him you want him to have support he trusts and that you’re working to find the right fit for the whole family, not taking something away from him. If a change happens, we typically suggest a closing session or two so he has a chance to say goodbye on his own terms.

Is it normal to feel guilty about wanting to change my teen’s therapist? Very normal, and it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Wanting your teen to feel supported and wanting to feel like a trusted partner in his care aren’t in conflict. Both matter, and it’s reasonable to expect both.

Get In Touch

If you’re unsure whether to stay with your teen’s current therapist or make a change, we’re glad to talk it through with you. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.

Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com