Your 18 -year -old stepdaughter's toxic romantic relationship is pulling her farther and
farther away from your family, and you feel helpless. You don't know what to do. Well, that's
what we're talking about today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kenton Toussaint. I'm a licensed
marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live
happier lives. By the way, if you or someone you love could really benefit from talking with
a family therapist, please reach out to us here at Teen Therapy Center. Our contact information
is down below. Now let's jump into today's parent submitted question on tips on teens. My 18
year old stepdaughter's boyfriend is very controlling and has told her that she should ask
him for permission regarding her health choices for her own body. When confronted, he became
very angry and said that it was none of our business. He now refuses to acknowledge us or her birth
mother in any way. My husband has asked my stepdaughter to invite
this boyfriend to our house. She says she has but he refuses. Apparently we've asked too many
times because she's exercised her right to not stay with us and only stays with her birth mom.
She's now giving us the silent treatment because we have express concern with his controlling
behavior. We are a close family and feel like we are losing our daughter. Any advice? Yes, thank
you for your question. First, my heart goes out to you, your husband, the birth mother, this
18 year old girl, it sounds like a horribly toxic, unsatisfying relationship and everyone's
being affected. Unfortunately, she is 18. She does have a legal right to make these choices
on her own, whether you agree with him or not, and you probably don't, and understandably so.
Sounds like the birth mother doesn't agree with him as well, but for whatever reason she's more
aligned with the birth mother than you and your husband for right now. That's the way it sounds
like in the message you sent us. Also sounds like you confronted
this boyfriend directly, which may have also alienated him more and put you in the category
of easy enemy, easy bad guy. You become the dragon, he's the knight and she's the princess. It's
not how you see it, that's how they are saying it. And I think in these situations we have to let
18 year olds make their own choices even when they're unhealthy. We cannot control them, we
cannot make them do anything. You are probably right, this is probably a very unhealthy relationship,
but you harping on that, you staying on that, you trying to drive that message home is probably
pushing her farther and farther away from you because she's not willing to give this up. She
hasn't hit a point where it has gone too far and we want to probably let this relationship play
itself out so she can recognize maybe this guy's bad news. Maybe I get to say what I get to do with
my body and not him. But if she perceives that you're judging the situation, she may be putting
you in a corner where she can't back out
of this relationship because she perceives you as the I told you so guys. And that may be not something
that she can really accept right now. So she's giving you the silent treatment. If you have a
positive relationship with the birth mother, I would try to coordinate with her on how we start
repairing this relationship without discussing the toxicity of her dating relationship.
You're just gonna have to let her figure this out. Now, if she has a therapist, hopefully she
does. If not, and she's willing to talk to a therapist, find a therapist in your area who specializes
and work with teenagers who can really connect with her so she can have that sounding board to
start recognizing what is healthy for her and what isn't healthy for her. The more you push it,
especially the more you confront the boyfriend, I think you're pushing her farther and farther
into a corner. It's a tough situation. I encourage you to make sure that you are getting the support
you need because this is a difficult
situation to shoulder. I wish I had easier advice for this, but I don't think there is easy advice
in this situation. Thank you for submitting your question. Thank you for listening. If you
have more questions, please reach out to us at Teen Therapy Center. Our content information
is down below. We also have our nonprofit, Child and Teen Counseling in the same office across
both organizations. since we have therapists for all budgets, please reach out to us. Again,
my name is Kent Toussaint, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I look forward to answering
your parent -submitted question here on Tips on Teens next time. You can email us at tipsonteens
at teentherapycenter .com, or you can direct messages right here on social media. We love your
questions, and I'll see you guys next time. Bye -bye.
THIS WILL END!
When your teen or young adult is caught in a toxic relationship, it can feel agonizing and heartbreaking. You might even feel like you’re “losing” your child, and it’s easy for despair to creep in.
Here’s an important thing to keep in mind: there’s a very high chance this relationship will eventually end.
More often than not, your child will, over time, come to see what seems so obvious to you: that the relationship is unhealthy and not a good fit for them. Left to their own devices, they’re likely to recognize this on their own.
But in the meantime, what can you do when you’re deeply worried about your child’s mental and physical well-being? It’s all about playing the “long game.” At the end of this game, you want to be the safe haven your child turns to for support when the relationship finally ends.
DON’T SHOW YOUR CARDS AT THE TABLE
The key to this is resisting the urge to criticize or share your negative opinions about their relationship. We know—it sounds counterintuitive, maybe even irresponsible. Yes, you can gently ask thoughtful questions in hopes of sparking their own realizations. But if you say or do anything that even hints at judgment, you risk pushing your child closer to their significant other. Your criticism can backfire, turning you into the “villain” they feel they need to defend against.
This is incredibly hard advice to follow—we get it. It takes restraint and patience. But if it helps, just remember: this relationship will end!
And if you’ve already shared your thoughts or let your emotions spill over, don’t panic. Be honest with your child. Have a heartfelt conversation where you acknowledge your feelings, and then let them know you’re there for them, no matter what. After that, give them the space they need.
Hang in there. It’s not easy, but with time, this chapter will close—and when it does, your relationship with your child will be stronger for it.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.