Help, My Kids Won’t Stop Fighting!

So your little kids won't stop bickering and arguing? Well, let's talk about that today on a
very special Clues on Kids edition of Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed
marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live
happier lives. I lead two organizations, the group Private Practice Teen Therapy Center and
the nonprofit 501c3 organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills,
California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump on to Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions.
Let's jump into today. It feels like my kids are fighting more and more lately. I have an 11 -year
-old girl and an eight -year -old boy. I wish I could say it is a result of us all being together
in the house because more because of the past year in quarantine, but I really don't think it
is. It just feels like anything and everything that comes up turns into little arguments and
bickering. I'm used to them arguing with us, but not with

each other. They used to get along pretty well. How do I get to the bottom of this? Thank you for
your question. There's a lot of factors that could be in play here. The first and foremost, the
number one thing that I recommend you do is model for your kids how to talk respectfully and how
to resolve conflict. For example, are they watching you with your partner or with you and your
kids? Patient, calm, have empathy when things are not going your way, when you're trying to
get your kids to brush their teeth. How calm and patient are you? I understand, as a father of
many children, that's always a stressful time, getting kids to brush teeth. Like, ah, and you
can lose your cool like most of us do sometimes. It's not the best way to do it, but we are human
and we're just late at night. We're tired, they're tired. Those things are gonna happen. But
how much are we taking the time to be patient, understanding, still have boundaries, set those
boundaries in a respectful way, but still have them?

How much are we demonstrating empathy and understanding of what our kids are going through
even when we just want them, just put your shoes on? How much empathy do we have in those moments?
And again, these are challenging things to do and we're not gonna do it right every time. But
if we can do it right more often than not, then we're way ahead of the game. So modeling, respectful
communication with your partner, whether it's their parent, their step -parent, whoever
that is, you're gonna have arguments sometimes. How do you resolve those things in front of
your kids? I think that's first and foremost, that will set the biggest precedent for your kids
of what to do and what not to do when dealing with conflict. Number two, I know you said that you
don't think quarantine is a big deal about it, and it may not be, I don't know, but it's affected
everyone across this world. I don't know if you're an 11 -year -old, an eight -year -old, have
just had them two together, there's no other kids

they interact with. If they've been stuck in the house with each other for a year, they might
be irritated with one another. That's a possibility. Also, your 11 -year -old is probably starting
to go through adolescence. She may look still like a little kid, but her brain is developing.
Her brain is maturing and growing maybe faster than her body is. She may be pulling away from
her little brother because, eh, he's a dorky little brother and I'm a sophisticated 11 -year
-old now, which may make the brother go, are you pulling away? Let me chase you and do annoying
little brother things. This is a popular dynamic, I would say. It's a common dynamic that happens.
And it's important that you work with your daughter and her son to demonstrate empathy. And
maybe that's what you do, is you sit down and you play with them more. And when they do have those
little struggles, you reframe what they're trying to say in a more respectful way. So instead
of, give me that ball, it could be, hey, little

brother, may I have the ball next please when you're done? Now, I know that's not as exciting
and it's not as powerful, but it does go a lot better into feeling heard and understood. Now,
this lesson is not gonna be learned one time. You have to do this many times, over and over and
over and over again. This is a marathon. It's gonna take a while for them to learn this. Also,
kids bickering is a normal part of human existence. That's kinda how they learn how to bicker
and conflict resolve and all these things. So when they are older and they're in high school,
they're in college, they have dating partners, they have coworkers, they've kinda gone through
all the immature kid stuff and now they know how to, when to fight, when not to fight, how to fight,
how to be assertive in a respectful way. They understand these things more intuitively. So
they need to kinda go through this, this is okay. I don't think this is the end of the world. But
again, the more you kinda intervene and help model

positive interactions, I think they can follow. That's our big question for today. Thank you
for your Clues on Kids edition of Tips on Teens. We love your questions. Keep them coming. We
don't have Tips on Teens next week. I'll be off next Wednesday, but we'll pick up on, I think it's
May 5th. So tune in then. If you have more of your questions, you can always email us at tipsonteens
at teentherapycenter .com. Thanks again for all your questions. My name is Ken Toussaint and
I'll see you guys in two weeks. Bye bye.