“My son is in a bad relationship and it’s hurting my family. What can I do?”

How do you talk openly and honestly with your teenage son about his really unhealthy relationship
with his girlfriend because it's tearing your family apart? That is today's question on Tips
on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I help
kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I run two organizations, the group Private Practice
Teen Therapy Center and the non -profit organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here
in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I have the honor of answering your
parenting questions live on Facebook, and today is no exception. Let's jump into today's tips
on teens. Our 16 -year -old son has been fighting depression, anxiety, and anger issues for
years now. He has a girlfriend who he's been with since January. We don't care for her, as she's
very manipulative. He doesn't see it, even though she calls him names, lies, etc. We also have
reservations about his foster mother, who asked if he could

spend the night. She assured us she would be home and they would not be in the same room. We agreed.
Two days after, my son left his cell phone in my truck and I left for work. He's been so angry and
secretive lately, so I went in his phone and saw all the messages. One was telling him, telling
his girlfriend, that if I call the foster mom to make sure she doesn't tell me she won't be home
while he's And then I see videos and pictures of both my son and girlfriend naked and doing sexual
favors to each other. Ew. Also, messages from the girlfriend accusing him of cheating and talking
badly about us to him. We are so angry and he's doing these things and don't get how he doesn't
see what she's doing to him. Before, he was with her, he'd hang out with friends, and was happy.
Now he's angry with everyone and everything depressed and not wanting to live He just started
medication from a doctor, but my husband and him have always gone along great But now my husband
is afraid our son will physically

hurt him This girlfriend is bad news and we don't know what to do or say. Can you please help? I
hope so as a really difficult situation for any family Luckily, I had the opportunity to talk
to this mom on the phone a day or two ago to get a little more information excuse me and One of the
problems is she lives in a very rural area and she's hours from a major city So there's very limited
access to therapy in her area and the therapy that is in her area is way too expensive So, you know,
obviously especially with kovat right now. There's a lot of you know places doing, you know
sessions online We're doing the same thing like our nonprofit, you know, we would be a perfect
fit for them Unfortunately, this family is outside of California. We can only extend to the
California border who we can help. So I gave this mom reference to the state she's in. In California,
most therapists belong to an association called the California Association of Marriage and
Family Therapists. You can go to them

and you can look for resources and they can help you find resources in your area. So I gave this
mom a similar resource to the state she's in to find affordable therapy that's close to her,
whether it's online, it's face -to -face, something. This family needs a lot of help, and this
young man may need to be in inpatient treatment. He's, you know, it's not like he's suicidal.
He just got medication, which I guess is a step in the right direction, but he's gonna need that
therapy on top of the medication to help him really sort through all those thoughts and feelings
that's going on, help him really understand what is going on with this relationship, with this
toxic girlfriend, and this toxic family. And it's not that there are a foster family. There
are plenty of wonderful foster families But this one in particular according to this mom is
unhealthy The boundaries are not there that need to be there This mom is also really afraid that
this girl is going to if she breaks up with her She's
going to threaten him and accuse him of things that you know, aren't true Accordingly there
there's a history of this in her past. So there's a lot of fear There's probably a lot of fear for
this young man. He probably loves her He probably thinks she's you know, he wants this relationship.
This relationship gives him a sense of power. It gives us a purpose He wants to help her and if
he just loves her a little bit more just does this a little bit better Maybe she'll you guys will
be happy and of course it won't be you know, he needs help. She needs help Hopefully they both
get the help they need but I think what's really important here a couple things to think about
is This mom went through his phone and many of you think that's totally appropriate some of you
don't think it's appropriate. If you choose to do this, you have to keep in mind that you were
opening up a can of worms that you may or may not be prepared for. You open up this can of worms and
you see pictures and texts and all

that stuff of things you probably already knew, but now it's in your head. Now you know, which
gives you this righteous anger, which doesn't help anyone, right? But also, now you got to hold
on to it. Now if you tell your son, hey, I saw all this stuff on your phone, now he feels betrayed.
Now the sense of any sense of trust has been destroyed even further. So you've got to be prepared
that you may not want to do it. It's like if your kid's got a journal, going and read the journal
is not necessarily the best idea because you're going to read things that is going to shock you
and you may not understand the context. And now it's like, well, do I tell my son that I read through
all his stuff and break that trust and confirm what's going on? Or do I not talk about it and wonder
what's going to happen now and stay up all night? So everyone's going to make their own choice
on this. And you have to be prepared if you go in and get this information and break this trust
You've got to be prepared

for it. And it's a tough situation This kid needs therapy. The family probably needs some therapy
as well Not that I think everyone needs therapy for everything, but this is a very chaotic dangerous
situation We don't want to wait till this young man does something rash and tries to hurt himself
or hurt someone else Yeah, yeah, he was hanging with friends before this girlfriend, but he
according this mom He was doing with depression and anger long before so this needs attention
Um, you see whether I thought there was one other thing I want to say But of course these things
slip my mind when you're alive. You never know what's gonna happen Anyways, hopefully this
family is able to find help in their area. That's low -cost or at least online sessions. That's
low -cost If you're in this kind of situation Oh one of the thing if you're in this situation Do
not badmouth the girlfriend as much as you may want to as much it is so obvious that she is toxic
and unhealthy And bad news The more you

badmouth the girlfriend more you try to get him to see how bad she is The more he's going to want
to defend her and the more he will put her on a pedestal You have to remember that this relationship
will end and eventually he will see it and you have to just be there The calm comforting support
so when it does come all crashing down He has trust in you to lean on you for support I had a family
like this a couple years ago with a similar situation and what they did is they made sure their
son had a ready supply of condoms and they made sure that this young girl, they paid for her to
get the birth control shot. For three months she was you know had the birth control shot in her.
Now you may say that's good or bad or indifferent but what these parents really wanted to make
sure is that this girl did not get pregnant because their 15 year old son was not ready to be a father.
So if this couple, this young man, this teenage boy and girl get pregnant, it complicates things
dramatically. So you

may want to do everything you can to make sure that they're not getting pregnant. And trying
to stop them having sex, well, good luck with that. When teenagers really want to have sex, if
they really want to do it, you're not going to stop them. They're going to sneak out of the house.
You can't chain them to the dining room table. They're going to go out. They're going to go to
school, even though it's COVID right now. They're going to find ways to have sex. You cannot
stop two teenagers having sex if they want to. Make sure he's got condoms. Make sure, you know,
if you want to, pay for the birth control for her. You know, whatever you need to do. Make sure
they don't get pregnant, because again, this relationship will end. Anyways, big topic. Love
to talk to you more about it. Keep asking your questions. We love your questions. We have no question
yet for next week, so feel free to email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com, or direct
messages right here on Facebook. Again, my

name is Kent Toussaint from Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling, and we'll see
you next Wednesday. Have a great Labor Day. Bye -bye, guys.