Are you struggling with parental alienation by your ex -spouse who may be pulling your kids
away from you? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kenton Toussaint.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and
families to live happier lives. Now, if you or someone you love could really benefit from talking
to a family therapist, please contact us here at Teen Therapy Center. Happy to talk to you and
see how we can best for you and your family. But for now, let's jump into today's parent submitted
question on Tips on Teens. I've been separated from my ex for about seven months now. It was not
a good separation. We have a 50 -50 split time arrangement. I can tell that he's turning my kids
against me. I don't know exactly what he's saying, but my kids seem really distant and it feels
like they just won't let themselves enjoy the time we spend together. What do I do to get them
back on my side? Thank you for your question.
It's a heartbreaking situation that so many parents have to go through. The first thing I want
to point out is the questioner asking how do I get them back on my side? This may be an unconscious
thing. But so often, as parents, we get stuck in this place of this tug of war, we feel like we have
to fight to get our kids back in and overcome the other one. And it's a dangerous thought process,
but it puts it puts you in that combat ready environment it's tough it's tough not to go down this
road but I don't think it's gonna help your kids so you don't know what your spouse is saying and
trying to find out is just gonna drive you nuts so let that go you can't control that even if you
knew what they're saying you still can't control it you can't stop it the only thing that you
can control is you and how you show up as a parent so what I encourage you to do and this is a long
marathon journey and it's not easy so make sure you're getting support you need is to keep showing
up to your kids as
The parent that you know, you are the best parent you can be not perfect That doesn't exist but
continue showing up as the best parent you can be with compassion empathy still have boundaries
but establish those boundaries maintain those boundaries from placement compassion and
Empathy and respect set the example if your ex -spouse is is trying to badmouth you and turn you
away from your kids, over time, your kids will see it. You trying to short change or shortcut
this, excuse me, you trying to shortcut this is not gonna shortcut it, it's gonna make it longer.
You trying to come in and fix the situation quickly, it's not gonna work, I've never seen it work.
So it's really important that, oh, I gotta get that out of there, there was some mics going on
and I gotta get it out of the way so I can see you guys. So it's really important that you focus on
just being the parent you are, getting the support, whether that's your own therapy, that's
talking to your religious leader, your sister,
whoever that is, make sure that you are grounded. So when your kids come over, if they feel like
they can't be nice to you or can't get along with you because it's going to offend the other parent,
while it does hurt, they can't be responsible for this because they're still kids. Maybe doing
some family therapy may be beneficial as well. Maybe the kids getting their own individual
therapy may help. I don't know. Every family is different. But try not to go through this alone.
Get support and keep showing up as the best parent you know how to be because they will see it in
time. And I've seen it many times where the parent who is doing the parental alienation, it eventually
backfires on them. But it's only when the other parent who is the victim of the parental alienation
keeps showing up as the best person they can be. It's a tough situation. If you like more support
this, please give us a call here at Teen Therapy Center. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint. I lead
Teen Therapy Center in
Woodland Hills, California. We also have a non -profit organization called Child and Teen
Counseling. Across both organizations, we have therapists for all budgets. So please give
us a call. We'd like to help you out if we can. And also, if you'd like me to answer your question
here on Tips on Teens, email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com, or where you can direct
messages right here on Facebook. We love your questions. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you
next Wednesday on Facebook Live. Talk to you then. Bye -bye.
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in a tug-of-war with your ex, vying for your child’s favor. This battle is not only emotionally draining, but it also puts you in a combative mindset that doesn’t help your kids. We urge you to consider this: you can’t control what your ex says about you when you’re not around. What you can control is how you respond and how you show up as a parent.
It’s crucial to remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. To succeed, focus on being the best parent you can be despite the challenges. If you consistently set a good example, your children will eventually reward you with trust, recognizing you as a place of stability over time. While parental alienation may cause pain when your kids are distant or suspicious, it’s important to remember that they’re still developing and can’t be responsible for managing your emotions.
FOCUS ON THE BIG PICTURE
If your ex engages in badmouthing or alienating behavior, it may feel hurtful now, but reacting poorly will only make things worse. It’s vital to stay grounded and get support when needed to maintain your composure. In time, your children will see the truth for themselves, and any attempts at parental alienation by your ex will backfire.
Ultimately, the best way to navigate this situation is get the support you need and do whatever it takes to continue showing up as the best version of yourself. With patience and consistency, your kids will recognize your efforts, and the trust they place in you will deepen. The rewards will come in time, even if the process is slow.
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: TipsOnTeens@TeenTherapyCenter.com. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.