Is it healthy when your kid is also your BFF?

We, oh, there, all right, our connection is okay. I thought we lost our connection. This is our
second time recording this. Thanks for bearing with me on there. Everyone, today at noon, I
come to you live on Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's jump into today's
question. I have a question about walking the line between friend and parent. I've been divorced
from my ex -husband for three years and my only daughter is 16. Her father and I have a civil relationship
and I make sure not to speak ill of him or his new girlfriend in front of her. In the last year or
so, however, I've begun dating, which hasn't been going great, and I've had some drama with
friends who I have in common with my ex from our marriage. I find more and more that I'm confiding
my feelings in my daughter more than anyone else. I've heard people say that it's not good for
your kid or you to have a relationship that's too buddy -buddy. What I want to know is, what kinds
of personal adult things can I

tell my daughter, and where should I draw the line? Thank you for your question. I think it's
a very interesting question. I think it's a very nuanced question. I think what you want to consider
is first I think it's great that you and your daughter have this close relationship And I encourage
you to keep nurturing that and create a sense of openness and transparency and honesty I think
that's wonderful because it helps model for your daughter that she can be honest with you However,
we want to make sure that we're not leaning on her for support She's 16 no matter how mature she
is no matter how emotional and emotionally intelligent she is, no matter what kind of old soul
she is, at 16, she is not qualified to be responsible for your feelings. And she could interpret
that as, she now needs to take care of you. Now if she was 36, hola, ball of wax, dump on your daughter,
no problem. But at 16, not so much. Now hopefully you have other people in your life that you can
confide in. Your other

friends, family members, your therapist, what have you. Make sure that you are doing your own
self -care. if you're going to be open and honest with your daughter, which is okay. I think it's
okay to be open about your feelings, sadness, fear, anger. These are normal human emotions
and you modeling how to express these feelings in a healthy way is spot on and fantastic. Where
the line gets drawn is when your daughter now feels like it's her responsibility to take care
of you, that you are leaning on her so you can feel better. She's not qualified for that. She just
can't. And what will happen is she will internalize that and she will push away her feelings
and now feel like her happiness is depending on how are you, your happiness. And if you're not
happy, she's now letting you down and she is now a bad person. And that's a vicious spiral and
you don't wanna go down that road. What you can do if you are sharing your sadness, for example,
let's say, how you're saying you were dating, it's

not going well. Let's say you got your heart broken from a dating situation. We've all been there.
it stinks, it's crummy, and you're venting and talking about those things with your daughter,
are you also modeling your self -care? Are you also modeling your resilience? What you are doing
to take care of yourself? How you are leaning on your friends, your therapist, how you are putting
yourself back into your own sense of creativity, or exercise, or work, or whatever helps fulfill
your needs as a human being, and you're communicating how you are fulfilling those needs. So
it's really more of you're just sharing. Hey, I'm in this crummy place, but this is what I'm doing
to help myself So it's no longer your dad your daughter's responsibility to take care of you.
It's just she's understanding your process. You're modeling for her Resilience, that's what's
key because then she can do the same to you when she's in a bad dating situation Or let's say she's
getting a cyberbullied or let's say

she starts experimenting with drugs and she has no idea what she wants to do She's uncertain.
She can open up and talk to you, and then you guys can have a conversation about her own self -care
and her own resiliency, which I think is definitely a step in the positive direction. But if
you're dumping on her and you're leaning on her for your self -care, I think that's where it crosses
the line. I love this question. I think it's really important. It's nuanced. Every family's
gonna have a different line where that's going to be. But again, if it gets to the point where
you're leaning on your daughter, that's too much. Thank you for your question. If you have a
question you'd like me to answer, you can email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com.
One more thing, November 11th, the Parent Workshops are back. We've been off for a few years
in doing it, but we're gonna get back to it. It's gonna be over Zoom, open to the first 10 parents
who register. We haven't updated the website yet,

but it will be updated soon for that. But it's basically, it's you bring your questions, you
leave with answers. And again, the first 10 parents who show up, you come in, you bring up your
questions. the whole focus is going to be in quarantine, teen as in teenager. A little play on
words there, kind of fun. Anyways, stay tuned to your email, your Facebook, your Twitter, your
Instagram. We'll be promoting it over there for the next week or so and getting that going. Again,
my name is Kent Toussaint, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with Teen Therapy Center
and Child and Teen Counseling, and we will see you next Wednesday at noon on Facebook Live. Thanks,
guys. Bye -bye.