Date: 06/30/2023
Title: How do I make my stepson feel comfortable in my home?
00:00:01 Speaker 1
Congratulations. You and your spouse have just blended your families together. Problem is,
your stepson not too keen on the idea? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens. My name
is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping
kids, teens and families live happier lives lives. I lead two organizations teen Therapy Center
and the nonprofit 501 c three organization, child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland
Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump on the Facebook Live to answer your parenting
questions. Let's answer today's. I have two daughters. Twelve years old and nine years old.
I recently remarried, and my new husband moved into my house with his 14 year old son. I've been
together with his dad for three years now, and I had a pretty good relationship with my stepson
before he moved in. But since he's moved in, he's been unhappy and distant, and he even mentioned
moving out as soon as he can. Things were going pretty
00:01:09 Speaker 1
well, so I didn't anticipate having this kind of issue. What should I do? Well, the first thing
is be patient. I know that's a tough thing to do, but I really encourage patience on this. This
is going to be a process, and it's going to take him a while to get used to this scenario. And thank
you for your question, by the way, I forgot to say thank you. So thank you. I would encourage you
to acknowledge his distance, acknowledge his resistance, and just acknowledge it and say,
it's okay. It's understandable. I get it. This is going to be a big transition. I'm here for you.
If there's anything I can do to help support you, please let me know. But just allow him to kind
of be in this place of resistance for a little while. Don't push him to get out of it. Let him go
through it. Let him recognize, oh, this is safe, this is comfortable. And if it is safe and comfortable,
he will get through it and eventually be okay. Now, it's possible that there are reasons why
he's not feeling comfortable.
00:02:12 Speaker 1
Let's say, for instance, maybe your two daughters aren't really welcoming him, but they don't
really show it to you. It's only when you're not around, but he doesn't feel safe to talk to you
about it, because if he does, he's going to upset you and then his dad. And maybe he feels kind
of alone in this. That may not be true, but that may be part of his thinking. That may be part of
his perception. So the more patience and openness you share with him in time, hopefully he'll
come around. There also could be extenuating circumstances that are affecting this. It could
be possibly that maybe he feels kind of replaced even though he's there in the house with his
dad. Maybe he feels his dad doesn't really pay enough attention to him, and that's something
to be aware of. Also, one other possibility is that maybe accepting this new living situation
somehow offends or insults his mother, either in his own mind or in actuality. So it's hard for
him to totally embrace this because he feels in some
00:03:11 Speaker 1
way he needs to protect or defend his mother. Any of these situations, if it got to a significant
point, you may need to seek help and seek therapy for this, because these intrusive thoughts
or the cognitive distortion that may be resulting if these are not happening, or if they are
happening, could get worse. If it's getting worse, get help. Another thing you may want to consider
is it may have nothing to do with moving in. 14 year olds are notorious for pushing away from their
parents and wanting distance and space and not wanting to connect. That's somewhat normal
for 14 year olds, especially boys. If they didn't, they'd never leave the house. So it's somewhat
normal. And it could be that you guys moving in together is happening at the same time where he's
trying to push away and be more independent. And in that case, that's just going to happen. And
again, I don't think the advice changes. Still be patient, still be open, still be inviting.
Eventually he'll see, oh, this is not such
00:04:14 Speaker 1
a bad place. I can hang out here. But the big thing is inviting, warm and patient. If he's not causing
too much of a problem, let him be a stick in the mud. Sometimes, unfortunately, teenagers can
be sticks in the mud. It just kind of happens. Anyways, that's our question for today. Obviously,
we can go a lot of different directions with this question, along with many others, but if you
have more questions, you can always give us a call here at Teen Therapy Center or Child and Teen
Counseling. And if you'd like your question answered here on Tips on teens, email us at [email protected].
Thanks again and I'll see you guys next Wednesday at noon. Bye.
Blended Home: How Do We Help Our Stepson Adjust?
It Takes Time to Feel Like Home
When two families come together under one roof, we like to say the quiet part out loud: it takes time. A stepchild does not arrive on move in day already feeling at home, and it is normal for that comfort to build slowly, in fits and starts, rather than all at once.
We hear from a lot of parents in this exact spot. Here is a question that came in on Tips on Teens:
“I have two daughters, 12 years old and 9 years old. I recently remarried, and my new husband moved into my house with his 14 year old son. I’ve been together with his dad for three years now, and I had a pretty good relationship with my stepson before he moved in. But since he’s moved in, he’s been unhappy and distant, and he even mentioned moving out as soon as he can. Things were going pretty well, so I didn’t anticipate having this kind of issue. What should I do?”
Start With Patience, Not a Fix
Our first piece of advice is the one parents least want to hear, because it asks them to sit with discomfort rather than solve it: be patient. Blending a household is a process, and it takes a stepchild a while to get used to the new scenario, even when the relationship was warm before the move.
We encourage parents to acknowledge the distance and the resistance out loud, rather than smoothing over it. Something as simple as “it’s okay, this is a big transition, I’m here for you, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” goes a long way. Then we let the stepchild stay in that place of resistance for a while instead of pushing him out of it. Given room, most teens eventually recognize that the new home is safe and comfortable, and they come around on their own timeline.
Common Reasons a Stepson Might Resist a Blended Home
Sometimes the distance is about more than the move itself. A few patterns we see often:
- He does not feel welcomed by stepsiblings. This often shows up only when a parent is not in the room, because a stepchild may not feel safe raising it directly. Bringing it up gently, and watching for it directly, can surface what is not being said.
- He feels replaced. Even living under the same roof as his father, a teen can feel like he is getting less attention than before, especially if the new marriage has understandably taken up bandwidth.
- He feels loyal to his other parent. Settling into a new blended home can feel, in a teen’s mind, like a betrayal of his mother or father, even when no one intends it that way. That loyalty conflict can make it hard for him to fully embrace the new situation.
If any of these dynamics escalate rather than ease, that is a sign to bring in professional support before the underlying thoughts and beliefs harden further.
Is This About the Blended Family, or Just Being Fourteen?
We also want parents to consider a simpler explanation: fourteen year olds, especially boys, are notorious for pushing away from parents and craving distance and independence. That is developmentally normal, and it does not mean the blended family is the problem. It is entirely possible that the new living situation is simply coinciding with a stage he was heading toward anyway.
Either way, our advice does not really change. Stay patient, stay open, stay inviting. Given consistency and warmth, most teens eventually decide the new home is not such a bad place to be. If he is not causing serious problems, it is okay to let him be a stick in the mud for a while. Teenagers can be that way, blended family or not.
When to Seek Additional Support
If distance turns into ongoing conflict, if a stepchild seems genuinely unsafe or unseen, or if loyalty conflicts and cognitive distortions are intensifying rather than settling, family therapy can help the whole household find its footing faster. We would also encourage parents who feel stuck between a stepchild and a new spouse to reach out, since that in-between position is one of the hardest parts of blending a family.
FAQ
How long does it usually take for a stepchild to adjust to a blended family? There is no fixed timeline, and that is exactly why we tell parents to expect a process rather than a single moment when things click. Some teens warm up within a few months, others take longer, especially if they are also managing loyalty to a parent outside the home. Consistent warmth and patience matter more than speed.
What should we do if our stepson says he wants to move out? We would acknowledge the comment rather than react to it. Statements like that are often a way of expressing discomfort, not a firm plan. Naming what you notice, staying calm, and continuing to offer support usually does more than trying to talk him out of the feeling in the moment.
Why does my stepson seem fine with his dad but distant with me, or the other way around? This is common, and it often means he feels safer showing his real feelings to one parent than another, sometimes because he worries about upsetting his father or his mother. It is worth gently naming what you are noticing rather than assuming the closer relationship reflects the whole picture.
Could this be normal teenage behavior instead of a blended family problem? Yes, and it is worth considering both at once. Fourteen year olds naturally start pulling away from parents and craving independence. If that stage happens to line up with a household transition, it can look like a bigger issue than it is. The response, patience and openness, is largely the same either way.
When should we consider therapy instead of waiting it out? If the distance is deepening instead of easing, if there are signs a stepchild feels replaced or caught in a loyalty conflict with a biological parent, or if the household is under real strain, that is a good time to bring in a therapist rather than wait for it to resolve on its own.
Is it normal to feel caught between our stepchild and our new spouse? It is common, and it is one of the more emotionally exhausting parts of blending a family. Getting support for yourself, not just for your stepchild, is a reasonable and often necessary part of this transition.
Get In Touch
If your family is working through the ups and downs of a blended home, we would love to help. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.
Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com
Clinical Director Kent Toussaint answers your parenting questions every Wednesday at 12:00pm in our weekly segment Tips On Teens on Facebook Live. Have questions about parenting kids and teens? Send them to: [email protected]. We love to hear from you!
Head on over to our Facebook page every Wednesday at 12:00pm to watch LIVE! Check out our page here – https://www.facebook.com/TeenTherapyCenter/
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.