How does a parent who wants to be supportive, but who is not totally comfortable yet with their child being non-binary, prepare for interactions with relatives this holiday season?

Your teenager has identified themselves as non -binary. How do you support that? Well, let's
talk about it today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family
therapist and I help kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations,
the group private practice Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501c3 organization, child,
and teen counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I come
to you on Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's jump into today's. My 14 -year
-old child identifies as non -binary. They were born our son, but now prefers to be referred
as they, them. And we get chastised if we use he, his, or him. Anytime we miss a pronoun, they get
really upset, but we're working on that. The question I have is they're wanting to dress a little
more feminine in feminine clothes, nail polish, makeup, and earrings and such, which I think
I'm okay with. And with the holidays coming, I want

to empower my kid to be who they are and how they see themselves. But when we have holiday get -togethers
on FaceTime, I really wish they wouldn't wear feminine clothes because I don't want to deal
with the comments and the judgmental questions from friends and family members. How do I address
this with my child so we can all avoid holiday awkwardness?" Thank you for your question. First,
for those of you who are unsure what non -binary is, I just want to give you a brief description
of what that is. An individual who identifies as non -binary has, you know, a physical gender,
but they don't necessarily identify with that physical gender. And it's not necessarily,
like for this individual who was born male, this person may not necessarily identify as male
or female, could be somewhere in between. Could be some days more male, could be some days more
female, some days somewhere in the middle. And oftentimes, for a teenager, they're on this
quest to kind of figure out who is that identity?

How do they feel? Who are they? Which is a really important milestone in the development of a
teenager. And with the whole pronouns thing, yeah, it's tough to wrap your head around. It's
It's tough to shift 14 years of saying he, him, and his, going to they, them, and their, but it
can be done, and just be mindful of it. When you mess up, generally speaking, kids, like adults,
are pretty understanding if you have a slip of the tongue and you just apologize and say, I'm
sorry, I meant to say they. Most kids are going to say, fine. You know, it's when you dismiss it,
when you go, oh, it's no big deal. It's like, oh, I've been calling you he for 14 years. Usually,
if you just recognize it with respect and compassion, kids generally will be okay with it. That's
at least my experience with all the kids I've worked with who identify as non -binary or trans.
Also, I want to acknowledge that having a non -binary child or a child who identifies as trans
is a significant challenge for a parent because

it's not something you were necessarily prepared for. You know, for most of us who are of cisgender,
which means that we identify with the gender that we were born with, Trying to really understand
how it would be to not identify that way, it's hard to wrap your head around that. And it's okay
to not fully understand that. In fact, you probably never will fully understand it. However,
the important thing is, can we accept that that is our child's experience? And if we can do that,
then we're on the road to really supporting our kid and helping our kid develop into a healthy,
happy adult. In response to this specific question, what I recommend is support and allow your
teenager to dress any way they want. Whether that's nail polish, wearing, you know, feminine
clothing, earrings, whatever that is. Because if you try to stifle that, you're stifling their
bravery. It takes a lot of courage for a teenager—again, a teenager—to try to stand out and be
different in this way, open to ridicule,

open to judgment, that's a lot of courage and I would hope that your teenager's courage can inspire
your courage into supporting them and to withstanding the looks and the odd questions and the
comments and if you feel that someone is disrespecting you or your child then it's up to you to
defend that because you would defend your child to a stranger or anyone else And you may find
that there are some family members who will not accept this and it's important to talk to your
teenager and be ready for this. If you know that Grandma and Uncle Ned are just not on board and
they're going to ridicule you, they're gonna scoff at you, they're gonna make some kind of stark
comments, I think it's important to prepare both you how you're gonna handle that. Do you ignore
it? Do you stand up to them? Do you kick them out of the Zoom? Whatever it is. But make sure you have
a plan of how you wanna do it because you know it's gonna happen. You may be surprised that some
family members with some education

from you become much more supportive. And that's what we want. And if you're afraid of like,
well this is just a phase. I don't know if it's a phase or not. Usually kids in this situation have
felt this way for years. But if it is a phase, allowing them to experience dressing female will
help them understand it is a phase. Or it's not a phase. You know, oftentimes it's not. Or maybe
again, they're non -binary and they may bounce back and forth between male and female through
their entire lives. It is something that happens and you trying to stifle it is not going to stop
it. In fact, it just makes it worse and it creates identity confusion. So the more you can embrace
your child to really accept who they are, they can get a better understanding of who they are
and how they want to live in the world. Thank you for your question. We love answering your questions.
Again, my name is Kent Toussaint from Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. If
you have a question you'd like me to

answer on Tips on Teens, please email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or direct
message us right here on Facebook. We love your questions, keep them coming, and we will see
you next Wednesday at noon on Facebook Live. Thanks guys, bye bye.