Eye rolling! Snarky comments! Sarcasm! What do you do about your teenager’s rudeness?

eye -rolling, snarky comments, sarcasm? How do you deal with your teenager's rudeness? Well,
let's talk about it today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage
and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives.
I lead two organizations—the group Private Practice Teen Therapy Center and the non -profit
501c3 organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every
Wednesday at noon I jump in your Facebook feed live to answer your parenting questions. Let's
jump into today's question. So my 16 year old son has entered the rudeness phase I've been hearing
about all these years and it's causing some friction in our house. By the way, congratulations
on making it all the way to 16 before you get the rudeness face. Fantastic work. I've been feeling
it growing for a long time as he's gotten a little more independent. He's been doing a pretty
good business detailing cards with a friend and making

a little money. It feels like he thinks he's some kind of big shot all of a sudden. Like he could
get by on his own. I got remarried two years ago and he's been mouthing off to me and his stepdad.
We're talking snarky comments, eye -rolling, sarcasm, etc. It really makes me angry when he
does it to a stepdad because he's a really nice guy, and he doesn't feel comfortable dressing
down a kid he hasn't raised himself, which I think has emboldened my son. I get really angry when
this happens, so we haven't really talked about it in a constructive way. What makes these kids
be so rude, and what is the best way to deal with this? Thank you for your question. I think it's
apropos for a lot of families. One of the things I don't think is, I don't think it's the job. I
think a job for a 16 -year -old is really healthy. I think it's normal for 16 -year -olds to want
to grow and pursue more independence. I think a part -time job is a great way to do that, so I don't
think it's that. But kids are

rude, same reason why adults are rude. Usually it comes to two different factors. Number one,
they're just insensitive and don't realize how they're affecting someone else. Or there's
some deep -seated, unmet emotional needs that are not being met, and it could be one of the others.
And I think what we want to do is I think you should talk to him. I think you should if here's the
thing if it's constantly toxic and super tense It's probably the second one if there are times
when he can get along with people and get along with you guys And there's some calm times in the
house and maybe more he's just insensitive Could be a mixture of both and it's important to talk
to him sit down with him figure out what's going on Because if it's the number two if there's some
deep -seated emotional issues that are unmet and have not been resolved could be that he's still
holding on to resentment that you and his dad split up. And no matter who you married, no matter
how nice of a guy he is, he's just going

to reject that guy. You know, that could be part of it. Could be that his dad still hasn't gotten
over it and he's bad -mouthing the situation so now your son feels like he needs to champion this
cause for his dad. Again, those are just two possible examples of many. But it's important to
research this, or not research it, but explore this with him. And what I would do is sit down with
him when you're not stressed, when he's not stressed, when you're not in a stressful situation.
When you guys are having lunch at the kitchen table, you're in the car driving to the grocery
store, whatever that is. Not when he's on a video game. Okay, not when he's on social media. And
you may have to schedule it because if he's always on the screen or always working, you may have
to schedule it the way you would have to with a co -worker or your spouse sometimes. Sometimes
you you have those big talks with your spouse, you gotta say, all right, 10 o 'clock tonight when
the kids are in bed, you and I gotta

talk, right? You may have to do the same thing with your son. So when you sit down with him, first
be empathic. Put the focus on his needs, his wants, his emotions. Reach out to him and say, hey,
you know what? Lately, it seems like you've been kind of tense. Seems like I've been aggravating
you and I don't wanna do that. I'd love to hear your thoughts and your feelings and what I can do
to help the situation. Let him vent, let him talk, and you don't have to agree with him. This is
not about agreeing with him, but it is about validation. And the difference is, if he's complaining
about things that you think, that's not happening, that's not my experience, that's fine.
I'm not saying you have to agree with him, his set of facts. What you should do is validate his
feelings and his experience. So if he's complaining about things that you don't agree with,
you can say, you know what, I understand. If that was my experience, I'd be upset too, because
you probably would. And the more he's feeling

that you validate his feelings and understand him and he's getting your empathy He's gonna
be more open to responding in kind, but you've got to lead the way with us You can't expect him
to meet you at an equal place because he's 16 He's not going to you have to lead the way Especially
when he can't follow it and this is gonna be conversations you have several times. This is not
a one -shot conversation this is several conversations and And again, be patient, make sure
you're at a place where you're grounded and you feel solid where you're not gonna flap the handle
by being triggered. So make sure that you are doing a lot of listening. And the more listening
you do, possibly the more listening he does, he starts understanding your side and this starts
evening out a bit. If this is not working, you guys can't have this conversation without jumping
into big fights. You may wanna look into finding a therapist in your area to help. Like I say,
I'm, as a teenage therapist, I speak teenager and

I speak parent. And it's my job to help both parties come together and translate so both can understand
one another and build that bridge in a sense. And that's what therapists, especially ones who
work with adolescents, do all the time. So I encourage you, if you're needing the help, get the
help. The help is out there, whether it's online sessions or in -person sessions. You know,
don't let this fester and fester and fester because it doesn't usually get better on its own.
Usually you need some kind of intervention somehow, some way to help break the pattern. Because
the pattern is becoming routine now, the rudiment. Now, again, this could be just, he's used
to the locker room talk, he's used to online trash talk, and he's not realizing that it doesn't
go very well in the family. And again, hopefully that's all it is. But if it's deeper, he may need
to kind of process some of this stuff and get through this with you guys. Anyways, that's our
question for today. Thank you so much. Please

keep your questions coming. If you have a question you'd like me to answer, Our email is tipsonteens
at teentherapycenter .com or direct message us right here on Facebook or Instagram. We love
your questions. Keep them coming. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint and I'll see you next Wednesday
on Facebook Live. Bye -bye.