Managing Anger In The Household

There's an increasing pattern of angry outbursts from your spouse towards your kids and you
just want to bring peace to your family. What are you supposed to do? Well, let's talk about that
today on Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist
and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. I lead two organizations,
Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501c3 organization Child and Teen Counseling, both
here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer
your parenting questions. Let's answer today's. "Lately, my husband gets so angry at our kids
over all sorts of things. Recently he asked them to clean the rooms and when they didn't he totally
lost it. He also gets really angry when they're late getting ready for school. It's been causing
a lot of stress. How can I help him Manage his anger when it comes to these kinds of issues with
the kids and maintain a calm environment?"

Thank you for your question First and foremost, I think the most important thing we have to recognize
is We can't expect the kids to change to take care of your husband's feelings. They're not capable
of doing that. While it would be great if they cleaned their rooms and were ready to get ready
for school on time, and I understand why that would get you angry, I think it would get any parent
angry, I get it. But they're also gonna be kids, and they're not gonna clean their rooms sometimes,
and they're not gonna be ready for school on time, and they're not gonna do other things that
you want them to do at other times and this is part of being a child and growing up and learning
how to do this. I think it's really important to recognize that It's incumbent upon us as parents
that we need to make the change Now if you're having concern about this, what I would recommend
doing is don't get angry at your husband That's just gonna make things more angry, but approach
from a place of calm Empathy

compassion because underneath that anger, as therapists talk about a lot, you know, anger
is a secondary emotion. And if you don't know what that means, it means it's usually a reaction
to something more vulnerable, such as sadness or fear. So whatever amount of anger your husband
is having when he's getting angry about The room not being clean or not being here for school
There is some kind of fear or sadness that is being you know squashed down by the anger not saying
anger is a bad emotion. It's just how do we channel it? So the more you can have empathy and get
in tune with that sadness or that fear, that discomfort, whatever that is, maybe he will be able
to start recognizing that as well. And then he can start having more empathy for the kids because
as soon as we get angry, we lose our sense of empathy. It's all about fighting who about who's
win and no one can win. Everyone's going to lose. Now does he need some more support like does
he need his own therapy? Maybe there's a lot

of stress in his life that he's not coping with possibly you know that's something to explore
what coping strategies can he develop that helps him stay more calm when he's triggered because
nothing triggers you like being a parent because parenting is an incredibly triggering experience
it's an amazing experience but it's also it's going to pull on your heartstrings in ways that
you can't always predict. And of course, eventually you will lose it and get angry. All of us
do as parents. But again, it opens up the door to Demonstrate how to offer a proper apology as
well. We've which we've talked about in many other videos before Again Kids can't adjust to
his anger He is the adult we as the adults, you know as the parents, you know you as the adults need
to adjust and find ways to help him cope so his angry outbursts are less frequent or less intense
or hopefully a little bit of both. Again, what are some simple coping strategies? Make sure
you get enough sleep, making sure you're eating

and drinking enough fluids that are appropriate to his activity level. Make sure he has some
activity level, has some creative outlets, some downtime. Make sure that your relationship
between, you know, the spouse relationship is strong. You know, it's easy to put that on the
shelf and just assume it's gonna be there. Make sure that you guys have a strong, loving, understanding,
empathic relationship with each other. I think it's really important. Again, this could be
a thousand of reasons why he's having angry outbursts. The more he can start understanding
what's underneath that, what the sadness, the fear, the discomfort underneath that, he will
be able to hopefully harness his anger and use it more judiciously and Have more empathy for
his kids on your kids That's our question for today If you have a question you'd like me to answer
here on tips on teens everyone's day at noon email us at tips on teens at teentherapycenter.com
again my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center

and Child and Teen Counseling. And I'll see you guys next week. Bye-bye.