How to help your grandchild without being the “meddling grandparent.”

Date: 07/06/2023

Title: How do I get my daughter to encourage my grandson to do homework?

00:00:00 Speaker 1
It. So you're a grandmother who really worries that your daughter is failing the educational
needs of your grandson and it's driving you crazy. Well, we're talking about that today on Tips
on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize
in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, teen Therapy
Center and the nonprofit 501 C three organization, child and Teen Counseling, both here in
Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump on a Facebook Live to answer your
parenting questions. Let's jump into today's. I'm a grandmother of a 13 year old middle schooler.
He doesn't do his homework. He barely does classwork. He failed English and math for second
quarter. Homework is considered classwork. You didn't finish. His mother offers no support
or encouragement, motivation, or anything for him. Basically, she lets her son watch YouTube
videos every single day after school up until around eight

00:01:05 Speaker 1
or 08:30 p.m.. That equals about four and a half hours each night of screen time. He's ADHD, which
doesn't help any. Talking to her does no good. She just accuses me of interfering and tells me
to leave her alone. Any suggestions to help my grandson? Yes. Thank you for your question. And
I do want to acknowledge how frustrating and how helpless this must feel for you because you
perceive your daughter failing your grandson's educational needs, and clearly you care about
him a lot. I have two pieces of advice. One's a don't and one's a do. The first one is here's the
don't. You've already said your piece. You've shared your opinion. Stop sharing it. I know
that's a hard thing to do, and that includes the raised eyebrows, rolling the eyes, the size.
Let all that go. Don't hold on to any expectation that your daughter or daughter in law I'm not
sure what she is is going to follow through and meet your grandson's educational needs the way
you think they need to be met. She's made it very clear

00:02:14 Speaker 1
that she feels you're interfering. The more you try to push this, the more you're going to push
her away, and thus you are at risk of pushing your grandson away, which will go against advice
number two. Advice number two is if you were local, make time with your grandson. If that's coming
over every Tuesday to play cards or walk the dog or go get frozen yogurt or whatever that is, have
quality time where you're engaging with your grandson and he can talk about things that he wants
to, even things that you know nothing about. You know nothing about minecraft or Magic the Gathering,
but enjoy that he enjoys it and that he's sharing it with you and have a good time with him. So number
one, he's off screens during that time. And number two, he's building this connection and trust
with you, and through that, your values and your positive view of him that unconditional and
positive acceptance that he feels for you may be the thing that helps guide him to make more positive
choices throughout

00:03:14 Speaker 1
his life. Because he's not going to be 13 forever. And not that he doesn't have access to these
things at 13, but as he gets into high school, he's going to have more access to skipping school,
doing drugs, doing all kinds of things that are scaring the heck out of you. And if he has this
really amazing grandmother relationship, that could be one of the few things that helps keep
him going in a positive direction. I know it's not an easy ask any of this, but you really don't
have much control. And the more you're trying to impose control or something you don't have
control over, it's going to affect everyone negatively. No one's going to benefit from you
pushing this. His parents know. You know, he may even know. So instead of focusing on things
you can't control, focus on what you can, and that's connecting with him. And if you are in one
state and he's in another state, that means jumping on a zoom every Tuesday to play Uno online,
and then maybe that's what you do. It's still screen

00:04:10 Speaker 1
time, but it's quality screen time with Grandma, so that's what I recommend. That is our question
for today. If you have more questions, you can always call us here at Teen Therapy Center anytime.
If you have a question you want me to answer on a Wednesday for tips on teens, email us at tipson
teens@teentherapycenter.com. You can also direct message us right here on Facebook. We love
your questions. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful week. And my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen
Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. I will see you next Wednesday at noon. Bye.