“My daughter got rejected from her dream college…what do I do?”

Your teenager just got rejected by her dream college. What do you do? That's the topic for today's
Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder
and clinical director of Teen Therapy Center and also the founder and executive director of
the nonprofit organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California.
Every Wednesday at noon, I answer your parenting questions live on Facebook and like this one
right now. All right, so my daughter applied early decision to her dream college and got rejected.
She's devastated. I've never seen her this unhappy. I'm a little disappointed too because
we really wanted her to go to a top tier school. What's the right thing to say in this situation?
The right thing to say is something like, I'm so sorry, tell me all about it. It's less about what
you say and more about having big ears to let her talk and just vent and get it all off her chest.
It's really I think the most important thing

because I understand you're disappointed too and I get that but I want to make sure We don't impose
your disappointment onto her because then now she's responsible for not only her feelings
But your feelings too and that's gonna be too much We want to be able to support her and help her
feel understood and it's gonna be okay because it is gonna be okay She's gonna be fine. She really
is gonna be fine. There's not just one school that a kid can go to there's over 4 ,000 universities
in this country. It's not just one school. There's lots of schools. I have a link below to an article
by a colleague of mine, Dr. Stephen Mercer, about, you know, being blinded by the prestige of
some colleges. And he's very eloquent in saying, you know, prestige, you know, comes from the
French word. It's an illusion. It's not real. There's no causation of going to a top -tier school
and being successful and happy. Now there may be many people who've gone to top -tier schools
and been financially successful.

Doesn't mean they're happy and doesn't mean you can't go to other colleges and still be successful
and happy as well. It's really less about what college you go to and how you do college. You know,
is your kid jumping in to have a fun experience and joining organizations and activities? Are
they getting internships? Are they jumping in with both feet? Any kid who does that doesn't
matter what college they go to, they're gonna be successful. I've known many kids who've gone
to top -tier colleges and come home after a semester or a year because they hate it. It is not the
experience they thought it was. You wouldn't want to pick a university based on prestige like
the way you would buy a car or a pair of jeans. You want to focus more on like how you would pick a
partner, someone who you feel connected to, feel there's a good vibe, there's good connection
there. And again, there's not just one university to pick from. And I'm giving you an example
of this. Many years ago, I had a client, a

high school student, the most amazing, you know, college resume ever. She had 1B her freshman
year, As everywhere else, FIs on every single possible AP test you could ever take, ranked in
the top five in the nation of her extracurricular creativity, so always going across the nation,
competing, perfect SAT score, class president, student body president, charming, engaging
person. You think, wow, this is, this is, you know, this person's going to Harvard or whatever.
She applied to all the Ivy Leagues in Stanford, and then her safety school. Her safety school
was Berkeley. That was her safety school. And in the end, she only got into Berkeley. She was
crushed. All her friends were going to Brown and Princeton, Yale. She's like, oh my god, I'm
going to a UC school now again Berkeley's really good school We've worked a lot in helping her
adapt and find resilience to you know Adapting to what she can and can't control and she eventually
accepted it went off to Berkeley had an amazing time It

was the best experience of her life had bunches of you know experiences and internships Did
wonderfully there last I heard she transferred off to the grad school of her choice And it really
is, it's not about the school. It's about how you do it. There's plenty of people that we all know
who went to community college, who went to a state school, and are financially doing brilliantly,
and their happy lives. We also know people who've gone to very prestigious schools and not been
happy. So it's not about the school. So I think it's important to be supportive and empathic
towards her, but also help her see the positives in other options, and so we can build that resiliency.
Because this is not the last time is she's going to fail. Failure is a part of life. We all stumble.
We all have setbacks and it's important to learn how to deal with those setbacks. How to bounce
back and keep going forward. That is what will define her and that's what will help be successful
in her life. So again, I'm

sorry for your daughter. I get it. I know it hurts. I think anyone would feel hurt in this situation
but I think there are other options and other options that can lead to her success. There's not
only one way. Anyways, that is our topic for today. Thanks for checking in with your question.
Keep your questions coming. If you have a question, you can email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter
.com or you can direct messages right here on Facebook. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint and
I'll see you next Wednesday at 12 o 'clock here on Facebook. Bye -bye.