“We discovered that our grandson has been vaping. We are concerned about it but are at a loss.”

Hello! Welcome to Tips on Teens, live here at Teen Therapy Center in Woodland Hills, California.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I come to you every
Wednesday at noon here on Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Here is the question
of the day. At our grandson's school, vaping is a huge thing that kids are now into. We discovered
that he has been vaping too, unfortunately. he knows we are concerned about his vaping, about
his health, and that it is illegal. We found a vape charger in the entertainment room and asked
him not to charge it there. He refuses. We've asked him also not to vape, him or his friends in
the house. Not sure if he is complying since it is harder to detect. If we find anyone vaping,
smoking, or drinking in our home, we will ask them to leave. Consequences don't work well as
they set up a challenging battle and power struggle. We are at a loss. Our grandson was caring,
sensitive, kind, very good with his friends

and family since he was little. Now he is removed, distant, at times rude, but still apologizes.
It is extremely painful and feels like a huge loss. It seems like this was not the case with teenagers
when we grew up, but maybe it was." So, I think a lot of parents and grandparents can relate to
this situation. The things that stick out to me are that you're asking him not to charge in your
house and he's refusing to do so. He's still doing it. He's thumbing his nose at the boundaries
you're trying to set and when you do try to set boundaries becomes a huge power struggle. Big
emotions and so that tends to lend me that that leads me to believe that there is a breach in the
connection even though there is something there because he will apologize later on. So he does
still have some empathy and connection but something's going on. Probably beyond just normal
teen angst, right? The vaping also is a symptom. It's not a cause. It's perhaps all his friends
are doing it and he feels he needs to

do it because his friends are doing it and it is fun. A lot of kids are also vaping THC wax and getting
high. That's basically the chemical in marijuana that gets someone high. So my hunch is there's
a lot more going on than is just in this small writing here. And I'm also curious what's going
on with his parents. I'm assuming the way this is written that he's over the grandparents house
often, but still goes home to his parents, but that's just my assumption. I could be misreading
that. Assuming that is true, how are his parents trying to deal with this and resolve this? Do
they know about it? Is it turning to huge arguments at home. If it is, we need to find some way to
bridge the gap so the communication can be more succinct, more respectful, and more effective.
You guys want to set boundaries for his health. He's trying to break the boundaries and be cool
and hang out with his friends and do all these things. And there's a middle ground that can be
had. It's just figuring out what that

middle ground is. And it may be that an outside source needs to be brought in, whether that's
a trusted religious figure in your life, whether it's a therapist, whether that's his coach,
you know, whether that's, you know, his uncle who lives in, you know, Oregon who's going to come
down and help out. Someone's got to help kind of mediate this because my fear is if we don't find
a way to find a common ground, it's going to continue to get worse and worse and worse until there's
so much resistance or so much resentment that finding that middle ground is gonna be very difficult.
And those apologies he's been giving you will stop. He won't care what you think. He won't care
what his parents think. Because in his mind, the one who cares are his friends who are doing the
same thing he's doing, and they understand him. So I think it's really important that, you know,
I encourage you guys to reach out, find a therapist, or, you know, a rabbi, or a priest, or a minister,
or whatever that person

is, to help you guys find a way to find a common ground because just doing consequences, you know,
consequences aren't that effective anyways. Having a connective conversation where it's
respectful, whether both sides are listening, that is really going to bear more fruit than
you did this wrong so I'm taking this away. That doesn't mean you shouldn't set boundaries.
You know, if he's continuing to, you know, charge his his vape in your house and you don't want
him to do that, you might say, listen, you're not allowed to do this here, and we don't want this
here, we're gonna need to, if we find you vaping here in the house, we're just gonna throw it away.
Now, that may be a big problem, and that may not work for your family, and I get that. That's just
one example. It may cause more resentment on his part, but you've got to do something to start
setting boundaries. And I agree, if you find kids who are smoking and drinking in your house,
send them home. However, if they're driving, you

don't want them getting in the car, because that can, I think, put you in liability of putting
a drunk teenager or intoxicated teenager in a car. Maybe that's when you need to call that kid's
parents or if you're not sure how to do that, call the police, you know, let them handle it. At
least it's on record that you tried to handle the situation in a calm and law -abiding way. This
is not an easy situation. Again, I think the vaping is a symptom. I think the real issue is the
breach in connection between this young man and his grandparents and possibly his parents
as well and how do we mend that? How do we heal that? If you have more questions, give us a call.
If you would like your question answered here on Tips on Teens, you can email us at tipsonteens
at teentherapycenter .com. We'd love to hear your questions. We'll be back here next Wednesday
at noon answering it and hope you have a good week. Bye bye.