“How do I stop my 11 year old son from being so disrespectful to his sisters?”

Hello, and thanks for joining me for Tips on Teens. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed
marriage and family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Teen Therapy Center
in Woodland Hills. Every Wednesday at noon, I answer your parenting questions that you send
us, and here is today's question. How do I stop my 11 -year -old son from being so disrespectful
to his sisters? I am constantly yelling at him to stop chasing and teasing them. They are older
so I don't think he'll hurt them but I'm afraid that he will learn to be disrespectful and antisocial
to women in general as he gets older and hurt someone and get arrested." So there's a lot of worry
from this parent and the first thing I want to point out is that last part where you say you're
afraid that when he gets older he's gonna hurt someone and get arrested. I want to pump the brakes
a little bit and remind you that he is 11 years old and if the The extent of the disrespect is chasing
and teasing. I'm guessing it's coming

from more of a place of impulsiveness and playfulness. That is not necessarily something that
is antisocial and something that's going to lead to him hurting someone and getting arrested
later on. Now I don't have a crystal ball, obviously, but this is not uncommon for younger siblings
to harass and chase older siblings. Now, if you think that this disrespect is coming from a place
more of spite and anger instead of playfulness, that's a different story. I think it's important
to figure out what is going on, why is he having such resentment towards his sisters, and I think
that needs to be explored. Also, are his sisters innocent victims in all this, or do they have
a hand in provoking? Are they teasing him? Or is he constantly being compared to his sisters
when you know, they're constantly, you know getting involved in activities Their grades are
high they do their chores and then there's a younger brother Who's not doing any of that and he's
constantly feeling like he's in his sister's

shadow He can't measure up and is he resenting that another thing I want to ask is What is the modeling
he has at home and the other? Role models around him does he see men being respectful to the women
around him? Is he being exposed to media that is appropriate or possibly inappropriate that
is fueling some of this if it is beyond simple teasing? Now let's go back to let's say it's teasing,
chasing, playful, impulsive 11 -year -old boy. Again, not uncommon. The one thing that also
this parent says, you're constantly yelling at him. Yelling doesn't work. It never works.
No one has ever yelled at their kid and their kid said, wow, mom, you're right. I need to do better.
that has never happened in the history of the world yelling doesn't work what does is calm compassionate
boundary setting you know going over to him calmly making eye contact redirecting him you know
cuz yelling is not gonna work in yelling is going to feed the fire like if he's already amped up
the fire the the the the
anxiety and the energy if you're yelling at him he's gonna up it up a notch and he's just gonna
chase even more and more and more so let's calm down as parents let's set the example even if he
can't follow it especially if you can't follow it let's assume this kid is really impulsive
does he need to be redirected is he someone who can't self -contained like he can't just sit there
and play Legos by himself he's got to be stimulated all the time you know you can put him in front
of an Xbox and I'll probably do great but again screens are kind of an epidemic there's too much
reliance on screens and And when we use screens too much, we're not really helping develop ourselves.
Is he someone who needs to be around people? So instead of him being with his sisters, maybe you
or the other parent or an aunt or uncle or a cousin or, you know, someone needs to be with him to
help shepherd him through so he can eventually learn on his own how to self -contain. Maybe he
needs more physical activity.
Maybe he needs to go outside and shoot hoops more or take the dog for a walk with you. Or he needs
to join, you know, a baseball team or something. I don't know what that is. but yelling is not
gonna work and helping guide him again we as parents we are we guide we nurture we are we are mentoring
that is what we do and it doesn't happen in a vacuum he's not gonna do it on his own he's shown you
that he can't do on his own so really is important for you to step in and create an environment
where he's feeling stimulated in a positive way so yeah make sure again that you're treating
him with respect so he learns from your example and again if you're assuming if you go to that
place of fear and we can all do that as parents we all worry as parents when we go that place of fear
oh my gosh my son is going to be a rapist because he's chasing his sisters that worry gets stuck
in her head and then we assume it's happened we assume it's already there and then we react as
if that's happening and chasing
and teasing is a far cry from being you know you know being someone who does sexual assault those
are much different things and I don't want to assume that this boy is going to get arrested because
he's chasing and teasing his sisters. So that's our question for today. Obviously we can talk
a lot more about this. If you have more questions give me a call here. If you have questions you
want answered you can always email us at tipsonteens at teentherapycenter .com or just message
us right here on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. Thanks again. We'll see you next Wednesday
at 12 o 'clock with a new question and I look forward