After parental alienation and losing your child in a custody battle, is it still possible to reunify? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's answer today's.
"My husband and I got divorced a little while back. I lost custody of my daughter. Unfortunately, a lot of lies were told about me in court and to my daughter. Now the court is mandating reunification therapy. How do I turn the narrative around about me that has been told to my daughter?"
Thank you very much for your question. My heart goes out to you, your daughter, and your family. This is never an easy situation for anyone. It's a really tough slog, and it's not an easy fix.
The first thing to consider is when you choose a reunification therapist. That therapist should probably meet with your daughter individually several times. I don't know if that's three times or six times, it depends on what your daughter needs to feel safe with that therapist. Because right now, whether it was your fault or not, she doesn't trust you. She doesn't feel safe with you. We wish that wasn't the case, but it is, and we have to deal with that. We need her to feel safe with her therapist first. Once she has that safety, and they've set some boundaries around what your daughter needs to get this situation going, then you join the session, and your daughter is prepared and ready for that.
Because your daughter is going to come into that session guarded: arms folded, angry, resentful, avoidant, whatever that looks like. She's scared of this process, and there could be a lot of different reasons. Some of it is based on her personal experiences, some of it is based on what she's been told. There could be feelings of, "Things are okay now, I like the way it is, I don't want to upset the apple cart." Allowing you back into her life is scary. Even if you were never a physical danger to her, even if you never harmed her emotionally, opening that door back up can feel terrifying, because in her mind the fear is, "I could get disappointed again. I could get heartbroken again. I could get hurt again."
Also, if there's parental alienation involved, there can be a lot of, "I need to protect my other parent, because if I accept you, I'm hurting the parent who's been so good to me." For a child or teenager, that's confusing, and it's hard. This is going to be a marathon.
When you start the process of reunification therapy, don't defend yourself. Stay positive, stay warm, stay loving. Don't talk about the other parent, and don't talk about the injustices that happened to you. This is challenging, because this has been a big part of your life, and you just want to explain your point of view to your daughter. But she's not in a place where she can hear it. She doesn't trust you, so anything you say is going to come across as lying, misconstruing, or manipulating. So stay positive, loving, and accepting, so you can start repairing trust little by little with the therapist's help. I wish there was an easier way, but this can take a long time.
We also have to consider how old your daughter is, and her maturity level. A seventeen year old is going to deal with this very differently than a seven year old, and that also depends on what else is going on in her life. There's a lot going on here.
What I would say is, don't give up. If this is your reality, if you feel you've been wronged, if you feel lies have been told about you, and you know you are a good, loving, competent parent, keep showing up that way. Keep taking the higher ground. These sessions aren't about your feelings and what you need, they're about what she needs. It's going to take her a while to get used to this process. But if you keep showing up, it's a bit like a feral cat you're trying to warm up to. That cat is not going to eat out of your hand the first day. You put food near her, and slowly, patiently, you earn her trust, until eventually she's sitting in your lap and purring. That could take a while, and you have to be patient. I wish there were an easier way around this, but when parental alienation is involved, it's often the kids who suffer the most, and that's horrible. But this is your situation, and I wish it were different.
Make sure you find a good therapist who understands kids and teens, and who will take a neutral point of view, because that therapist wasn't there and didn't see any of it firsthand. They'll get your point of view, your ex's point of view, maybe even your daughter's point of view, and the objective truth is probably somewhere in the middle. It's not for us to decide as therapists who the right parent is and who the wrong parent is. Our job is to create an environment where there's safety for respectful, honest communication, and then your family decides what you want from there.
My heart goes out to you again. It's a really tough situation, and good luck to you. My name is Kent Toussaint, with Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. If you'd like me to answer one of your questions here on Tips on Teens, email us at [email protected], or direct message us on Facebook or Instagram. We love your questions, keep them coming. I'll see you next Wednesday at noon. Bye, guys.
Reunification Therapy After Parental Alienation: Rebuilding Your Child's Trust
It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint
When a court orders reunification therapy after parental alienation, we tell parents the same thing every time: this is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no quick fix, and there is no easy path back into a child’s trust, especially when that child has been told things about you that were not true. The parents who make it through are the ones who keep a long view, keep showing up, and do not give up.
Here is a question we heard on Tips on Teens that captures exactly this situation:
“My husband and I got divorced a little while back. I lost custody of my daughter. Unfortunately a lot of lies were told about me in court and to my daughter. Now the court is mandating reunification therapy. How do I turn the narrative around about me that has been told to my daughter?”
Our heart goes out to any parent in this position. It is one of the hardest situations a family can face, and there is no shortcut through it.
Start With Your Child, Not With Yourself
The first thing we recommend is choosing a reunification therapist who meets with your child individually first, for as many sessions as she needs to feel safe. That might be three sessions, six, or more. It depends on your child. Right now, whether it is fair or not, she does not trust you and does not feel safe with you, and that has to be addressed before you join a session together.
Once your child has some safety with her therapist and has helped set boundaries for what she needs, then you join. Expect her to walk in guarded: arms folded, angry, resentful, avoidant. That reaction usually comes from a mix of what she personally experienced and what she has been told, along with a very human fear that letting you back in means risking disappointment or heartbreak all over again. If parental alienation is part of the picture, she may also feel she needs to protect her other parent, and that accepting you feels like a betrayal of the parent who has been steady for her. That is a confusing, heavy thing for a child or teenager to carry.
Stay Positive. Do Not Defend Yourself.
Once reunification sessions begin, resist the urge to defend yourself or explain your side. We know how hard this is. You have likely spent a long time wanting to set the record straight, and now you are being asked to hold that back. But your child is not in a place where she can hear it yet. Anything you say about the other parent, or about what happened to you, will land as manipulation rather than truth, because the trust is not there yet.
Instead, stay positive, warm, and loving. Do not talk about the other parent or the injustices you experienced. Trust rebuilds in small increments, with the therapist’s help, not through argument. It is slow, and there is no way around that.
Age and Maturity Change the Picture
How your child experiences this process also depends heavily on her age and maturity level. A seventeen year old processes reunification very differently than a seven year old, and what she needs from the process, and from you, will shift accordingly. A good reunification therapist takes this into account rather than treating every child the same way.
Choose a Therapist Who Stays Neutral
Look for a reunification therapist who takes a genuinely neutral point of view. That therapist was not there when the conflict happened, and it is not their job to decide who was right or wrong. Their job is to create a space where honest, respectful communication can happen, gathering perspective from both parents and from your child, and letting the family find its own way forward from there.
Don’t Give Up
If you feel you have been wronged, and you believe you are a good, loving, capable parent, keep showing up that way. Take the higher ground even when it is not about your feelings in the moment, because in these sessions, it is about what your child needs. Rebuilding trust after parental alienation can feel like coaxing a feral cat: she is not going to eat out of your hand on the first day. You show up consistently, you stay patient, and little by little, trust returns. It takes time, and there is no way to speed it up. But most parents who stay the course do get there.
FAQ
How long does reunification therapy after parental alienation usually take? There is no set timeline, and we would be cautious of anyone who promises one. It depends on your child’s age, what she has experienced, and how deep the alienation runs. What matters most is consistency: showing up, staying warm, and letting the process unfold at your child’s pace rather than yours.
Should I explain my side of the story or defend myself during sessions? We would hold off. Early in reunification therapy, your child usually does not trust you enough to hear your side without it sounding like manipulation. Staying positive, warm, and consistent does more to rebuild trust than any explanation will in the beginning.
What happens in the first few sessions of reunification therapy? A good reunification therapist typically meets with your child alone first, sometimes for several sessions, to build enough safety and trust for her to set boundaries around what she needs. You join once she is ready, not before.
Is it normal for my child to seem angry or shut down when we start reunification therapy? Yes. Many kids arrive guarded, whether from their own experiences, what they were told, or fear of being hurt again. That reaction is common and does not mean the process is failing. It usually means there is real work still to do.
Does my child’s age affect how reunification therapy goes? It does. A teenager and a young child process an estranged parent returning to their life very differently, and their needs during the process will differ too. A therapist experienced with kids and teens should tailor the approach to your child’s age and maturity.
How do we know if our reunification therapist is being neutral? A neutral therapist will not take sides or assign blame between parents. Their focus stays on creating safety for honest communication and on what your child needs, not on validating either parent’s version of events.
What if the other parent continues to speak negatively about me during this process? Raise it directly with your reunification therapist. Part of their role is protecting your child from being caught in the middle, and consistent negative talk from either parent works against the goal of the therapy.
Get In Touch
If your family is navigating reunification therapy or the effects of parental alienation, we are here to help. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.
Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com