11/14/2024

Rules to Consider Around Dating

00:00:00    Speaker 2

Your teenager is starting to date. It's a little uncomfortable, I know. But you and your teenager are gonna have to work out some boundaries around dating. How are you gonna do that? Well, we're gonna talk about that today. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. I'm with Teen Therapy Center in Woodland Hills. And today we're gonna talk about setting up boundaries and rules for your teenager on dating. By the way, everything I say, please take with a grain of salt. Every family is different. Every family is unique. So take what I say and adapt what works for you into how it helps support you, your teenager, and your family.

00:00:47    Speaker 2

The first rule we're talking about today is the closed -door policy. Do you have a closed -door policy or not? It really depends, right? You may not be comfortable having your kid with her dating partner in the room with the door closed. I totally understand that. It makes sense to me. However, they will find another place to have those experiences where they can make out or do more than that. It's been happening for a very long time with teenagers, so know that that will happen. So I think the key thing is whether you have the no closed door policy or you allow them to have a closed door, have you explored and talked with your kid in detail about things like consent and contraception, safe sex, STDs, dignity and respect in a relationship. What are they expecting in a relationship? What are they expecting from the other person? How do they respect someone else's boundaries as well? Hopefully those conversations are happening and happening on a fairly regular basis. This is the first time

00:01:50    Speaker 2

your kid is going into dating. This is a whole new world for them. You may have had many dating partners, so you have an idea of that just intrinsically. Your teenager may not, so it's important they have these conversations with you and if not with you, with someone else that you trust that you help will guide them. By the way, we have a whole chapter on this on our Teen Dating Guide for Parents video. The link is below. You may want to check that out.

00:02:19    Speaker 2

When possible, I think it's a really good idea for you as parents to have a friendly relationship with your kid's significant other's parents. Now your child may feel it's a little intrusive, but I think it can solve a lot of problems. Number one, if there are certain rules or boundaries that are really important to you that you want respected at your kid's significant other's house. Having that relationship with those parents may help you feel that those rules and boundaries are adhered to. For example, the open -door policy, for example. It also helps, you know, again, it's their relationship. It's not your relationship. It's your kid's relationship, but it's the first time going through something like this. So when they're having these big feelings, big emotions, they're stepping into a whole new world for themselves, having both parents helping to support them to making healthier, safer choices, I think it's a good idea. Also, if your kid is out on a date and you can't get a hold of

00:03:22    Speaker 2

them, but you need to get a hold of them for some reason, it gives you another access point to connect and hopefully, you know, support your child if needed.

00:03:35    Speaker 2

Have your teenager and their significant other spend time at your house. Maybe not all the time, but a fair amount of time for several reasons. Number one, it helps you get a better idea of how their relationship is going. Is it going downhill? Is it toxic? Is it fairly respectful? You'll get a better idea seeing them at your house and or just hearing them in the house even though you're not hovering over them all the time.

00:04:04    Speaker 2

It helps also you develop a relationship with that person. So the more that dating partner respects you and connects with you, the more likely they're going to want to respect your child and connect with them. They'll be more interested in your opinions, your ideas. You want to share them sparingly and carefully so you don't become too intrusive. Having your teen's dating partner around also provides a certain amount of acceptance. So your child and your dating partner start trusting you a little more and it's less likely that you become the prison warden in the whole situation. I mean kids will naturally pull away from their parents especially when they're dating because they're so focused on this incredibly emotionally intimate relationship. But they still need a relationship with you and it's important that you minimize that pulling away by having that relationship and being the safe place for your teen and their dating partner to be at your house.

00:05:09    Speaker 2

Are you going to track your teen's location when they're dating? Every family is going to be different, but if you do decide to do this, you need to be very transparent and upfront with us. If you do this on the down low and secretively, you're setting yourself up for disaster. Because if you track their location and they go somewhere they're not supposed to go and now you know this The only way to approach it is to betray their confidence and say aha I've been tracking you the whole time and the trust is broken even more Just be upfront with it If they don't like it That's a conversation you guys can have the parameters of what you're tracking what you're looking for How does that all that work? Every family will be different, right? There's no one way to do this for a family. But the more upfront and direct about it you are, it sets you up to when they do go where they're not supposed to go, now you can say, hey, I was tracking you, I saw you went here, you said you were going to be here,

00:06:08    Speaker 2

let's have a conversation about this. Instead of coming down with a hammer and say, aha, I caught you. You never want to be the prison warden. That doesn't help you. It doesn't help build trust. So make sure that you are being transparent, allows your kid to be transparent, and you have to be ready for when they do go to the wrong place, how are you going to handle that from a place of calm, from respect, and to be the adult in the room.

00:06:38    Speaker 2

Should your teenager be allowed to be alone with their dating partner in public spaces. Some of this may be age -dependent, but this is something to collaborate with your teenager on. Now I imagine if you're dropping your kid off at the movie theater, they may want to have some alone time. You may want to have an adult with an eye view of them. And instead of just saying no, collaborate on how does your kid earn that kind of trust. If they're reaching for responsibility, they're reaching for healthy independence, how do we nurture that? How do we support that? How do we help your kid earn that kind of trust and that kind of responsibility with you? Sometimes when you give your kid the opportunity to earn trust, they actually earn it. Now everyone's gonna be imperfect, kids will make mistakes, kids will be impulsive sometimes, but it's important to allow our teenagers to make some mistakes here and there. Most of the mistakes do not end in disaster. They can, of course, but we want to make

00:07:43    Speaker 2

sure that they have some experience developing that muscle of independence, responsibility, and self -care. And I think the more we allow them to do that, the more they develop it. So when they're in college and you can't control anything they're doing, they're making healthier choices then.

00:08:02    Speaker 2

In conclusion, the one thing, if you walk away with one thing from this video, is collaboration. Collaborate with your teen on the rules and boundaries of dating. If you come at this as a dictator, you're going to build resentment, they're going to pull away. I'm not saying throw away your integrity and ideals of what you want for your kid, but collaborate because if you're collaborating, your kid feels trusted, your kid feels valued, and in turn they will be more open to understanding and respecting your values. So the two of you can find this imperfect middle that everyone can agree to on dating. It creates a healthy relationship for you guys, also creates the safety, so if things go badly for this relationship, they still feel there's a safe path to you for support. If you would like more information about this, again, we have our teen dating guide for parents. Check out that link. We can go into a lot more depth and detail in that video. And if maybe your kid is struggling with dating

00:09:04    Speaker 2

and they could use a little more support, or you could use some more support, please reach out to us at Teen Therapy Center. Our contact info is down below. We're happy to provide you a free phone consultation, talk to you about what your needs are, and see how we might be able to support those needs. Thank you again. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and our sister nonprofit organization, Child and Teen Counseling, both in Woodland Hills, and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the next video.