Is your 13 year old daughter ready for the independence that she's craving? Well, we're going to talk about that today on Tips on Teens.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's answer today's.
"My daughter is 13 and she's really starting to push away. She resists spending time with the family and just wants to go to her friends' houses all the time. We live about a mile from a yogurt shop and she asked to walk over there and meet her friends. I'm not even comfortable letting her walk around alone. I know this is going to become more of a problem the older she gets. What do I do?"
Thank you for your question. There's a lot to unpack here. The first thing is, what she's going through is fairly normal. Teenagers, adolescents, normally push away from their parents the more they get into their adolescence. It's normal. If they didn't do this, they'd never leave the house. It's okay. It's a normal part of development, but there needs to be a balance, right? It's okay for her to crave being with her friends, want to be with her friends. She should have some positive social interactions in her life routinely, and that's wonderful, but she should also have some connection with family as well. Even though she's pushing away from it, there needs to be some balance, and collaborating with her on how to make this more appealing to her, more enjoyable for her. And you may get the rolling of the eyes. You may get the, "nothing, I just don't want to be with you." I understand that. Many of us adults, we were like that as teenagers too, and we grew out of it, so be patient. It's a marathon, but make sure that you're offering her both.
Secondly, how much independence should she plan to have? How dangerous is it for her to walk to the yogurt shop? How much time should she spend at friends' houses? And again, every family's going to be a little different with this, but it's important to negotiate with her how much time she's spending at friends' houses versus having friends at your house. And she may say, friends here is boring. Find a way, a compromise with her to make that doable, so you can get to know her friends, get to know the parents of her friends as well. I think it's really important.
But also this whole thing of independence, should she be able to walk to the yogurt shop that's a mile away? Physically, a mile walk is not that big of a deal, but there's going to be questions. Is she safe to do this? How do you do this safely so you don't go crazy? Every parent has the nightmare that their child, they let their child loose to give some independence, and they get snatched up and they're gone forever. Every parent has that nightmare. I do too. I get it. But we have to understand that nightmare is statistically incredibly small. It is much more likely that she walks to the yogurt shop and it's uneventful. Now again, every neighborhood's different, and I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but statistically, she's much more likely to be in a car crash that you're driving. I'm not saying you're going to be in a car crash, I'm just saying statistically that's a much more likely thing to happen, and you guys get in the car all the time and take that risk all the time. So maybe collaborating with your daughter on how to have safety. Does she need to get into self defense classes? Does she have her phone on her? Does she have a tracker on her phone? Does she need to send a text when she gets to the yogurt shop? Figure out how do we allow your daughter to have some reasonable independence so she can start developing that awareness of how to do this, because if not now, when? Is it when she's 16? Is it when she's 25? When is the time when she can start experimenting with a healthy amount of independence?
And this is really scary, and I'm going to say something people may not agree with, but in our society, we tend to worry more about our girls than boys in these situations. I'm not saying that boys can't get abducted or hurt, because they can. Boys can get in danger too, but I talk to parents all the time and they'll say they worry more about their daughters in these situations than their sons. And if he was a boy, would you have the same concerns? You might or you might not, I don't know. But your fears, I'm not saying we should throw them away. They should inform you, but should they be in the driver's seat? Maybe they shouldn't be in the driver's seat, but they should be there to inform you and to be aware, so you're not too careless. My hunch is you're not going to be careless, because you're already worried about this stuff already.
So collaborate with your daughter, find a compromise, something that may not be perfect for anyone, which is usually the best compromise there is, and allow it to grow and evolve as she matures and gets older and demonstrates responsibility.
That's our question for today, thank you. We love your questions, keep them coming. If you'd like me to answer your question, email us at [email protected], or you can direct message us right here on Facebook. Thank you again, my name is Kent Toussaint. This is Tips on Teens, and I represent Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit Child and Teen Counseling. See you next week. Bye bye.
How Much Independence Should You Give Your Teenager?
Why Every Teenager Pushes for More Freedom
If your teenager has started pulling away, wanting more time with friends, more freedom to come and go, and less time with the family, take a breath. This is normal. Adolescents are supposed to push away from their parents as they get older. If they didn’t, they would never be ready to leave the house at all. The goal is not to stop this. It is to find the right balance for your family and let it evolve as your teen shows you they are ready for more.
Here is a version of this question we hear often, from a parent of a 13 year old:
“My daughter is 13 and she’s really starting to push away. She resists spending time with the family, and just wants to go to her friends’ houses all the time. We live about a mile from a yogurt shop and she asked to walk over there and meet her friends. I’m not even comfortable letting her walk around alone. I know this is going to become more of a problem the older she gets. What do I do?”
How Much Independence Is Actually Reasonable?
There is a lot to unpack in a question like this, and most of it comes down to balance. It is okay, healthy even, for your daughter to want positive social time with friends. It is also okay, and important, for her to keep some connection with the family, even while she is pulling away from it. Both things need to be true at once. Expect some eye rolling and a “I just don’t want to be with you” energy along the way. Most of us were like that as teenagers too, and we grew out of it. Be patient. This is a marathon.
From there, the practical question is how much independence makes sense right now. Is a mile long walk to the yogurt shop too much? Physically, it is not a big deal. The bigger question is usually how to negotiate the shape of it: how much time at friends’ houses versus friends coming to yours, whether she is comfortable having her friends’ parents get to know you too. Every family lands somewhere a little different here, and that is fine. What matters is that it is negotiated, not just granted or refused.
Trade Fear for Data, Then Collaborate on Safety
Every parent has the same nightmare: you let your child have a little independence and something terrible happens. We have that fear too. It is real, and it deserves to inform you. What it should not do is drive the whole decision. Statistically, a walk to the yogurt shop is far more likely to be completely uneventful than anything else, more likely, frankly, than the car ride you take together every day without thinking twice about the risk.
We would also gently flag something worth noticing: in our experience, parents tend to worry more about this with daughters than with sons. That fear is not wrong to have, but it is worth asking yourself whether it would look different if your child were the opposite gender, and letting that question inform your decision rather than drive it outright.
From there, collaborate on what safety actually looks like. Does she carry her phone? Is there a tracker on it? Does she text you when she arrives? Would a self defense class help her, and you, feel more prepared? None of this has to be perfect. It just has to be a real conversation, not a blanket yes or a blanket no.
When It’s About Rides, Curfews, and Trust
The same negotiation shows up differently as kids get older. Here is a version we hear from parents of teens a couple years further along:
“My son is 15 and it seems like we’re bumping heads a lot lately. He just wants a little more freedom than I’m comfortable with. He wants to go places with friends that drive, go farther away from home, and stay out later and more often. When I tell him no or even try to compromise with him he comes back with ‘why don’t you trust me?’ I want him to develop independence and responsibility, so when he puts me in that position it makes me feel guilty and conflicted. Any tips on how I should handle?”
That guilt trip is common, and it is worth naming for what it is: a way teens test whether “no” is really about them or just about your own discomfort. Our advice here is the same underlying principle. Try to avoid a flat no when you can. No is simple, but it shuts the conversation down. Instead, name your actual concern out loud, the specific thing you are worried about, and negotiate toward a solution that addresses it rather than just refusing the request outright. Some families land on things like using rideshare or public transit with a check in text, sharing location while out, or a later curfew that comes with a phone call halfway through the night. The specifics matter less than the fact that you built it together.
Let It Grow as They Show You They’re Ready
There is no fixed age where independence should just switch on, not 13, not 16, not 25. What we would encourage instead is treating this as something that grows and evolves as your teen demonstrates responsibility, a little more room earned a little at a time, rather than a single decision you make once and defend forever. The compromise that works is rarely perfect for anyone involved. That is usually a sign it is the right one.
FAQ
How much independence should I give my teenager? There is no universal number or age that applies to every family. What we would look at instead is whether your teen has shown you they can handle the responsibility that comes with more freedom, and whether you have a real conversation about it rather than just granting or denying it outright. Let it grow gradually as trust builds.
My teenager says “you don’t trust me” whenever I set a limit. What do I say? That question is often less about trust and more about testing whether your “no” is really about a specific concern or just general discomfort. Try naming the actual thing you are worried about instead of a flat no, and negotiate toward a solution that addresses it. That tends to defuse the trust question much faster than arguing about trust directly.
Is it safe to let my teen walk somewhere alone or take a short trip without me? Statistically, yes, far more often than the fear suggests. The nightmare scenario every parent imagines is genuinely rare. What helps is collaborating on reasonable safety steps, a phone, a check in text, knowing the route, rather than deciding based on worst case fear alone.
How do I decide if my teen is ready for rides from friends who drive, or a later curfew? Start with the specific concern behind your hesitation rather than the request itself. If it is safety, negotiate safety measures. If it is not knowing where they’ll be, build in check ins. A concrete, negotiated arrangement usually works better than an outright yes or no.
Is it normal to feel more protective of my daughter than I think I’d feel with a son in the same situation? It is a common pattern, and it is worth noticing rather than judging yourself for it. That instinct can still inform your decision. It just should not be the only thing driving it. Naming it honestly often makes the conversation with your teen easier, too.
What if the compromise we land on doesn’t feel like enough to my teen, or too much to me? That is normal, and often a sign you found a reasonable middle. A compromise that is not perfect for anyone is usually the sign of a fair one. Let it evolve as your teen shows you they can handle it, rather than trying to get it exactly right on the first try.
At what age should a teenager have more independence? There is no single age where this should happen all at once, whether that is 13, 16, or later. Readiness has more to do with demonstrated responsibility than a birthday. Treat it as something that expands gradually rather than a milestone you hit on a schedule.
Get In Touch
If navigating independence with your teenager feels like a constant negotiation, or the pushback feels bigger than a typical phase, we are here to help. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.
Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com
If you have more questions or would like more information, please contact our Clinical Director, Kent Toussaint at 818.697.8555.