So infidelity broke apart your family a couple years ago, but now you are ready to invite your husband back into your family's life. But your kids, they're not ready. So what do you do? Well, let's talk about that today on Tips on Teens.
My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. I lead two organizations, Teen Therapy Center and the nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization Child and Teen Counseling, both here in Woodland Hills, California. Every Wednesday at noon, I jump onto Facebook Live to answer your parenting questions. Let's jump into today's.
"Two years ago, my husband and I separated because of infidelity. We've done a lot of work since then, and I'm ready for him to come back. We've done some therapy, but our three kids, 11, 13, and 16, are still really angry with him for the pain he caused, and they don't want me to take him back. They think I'm being a doormat. How do I help them accept him again and heal?"
Thank you for your question. It sounds like your family has been on a big rollercoaster of some big emotions, understandably. I'm going to make some assumptions here. Since you're willing to take him back, I'm assuming you and your husband have done a lot of work together, moving through the grief all the way to acceptance and forgiveness. In other words, he has shown remorse and empathy for how his actions affected everyone, he's taken ownership of his actions, you've worked together to understand what led up to the infidelity, and he's made positive changes in his life. You as a couple are making positive changes as a couple, and that's what has allowed you to forgive, accept, and move toward reunifying with him. I'm going to make that assumption, because otherwise, your kids may be right, and you could be putting yourself in a doormat position again. We've all been there, and I'm not trying to judge that.
But it's really important that if you're going to bring him back into your life, it's something you're doing thoughtfully and purposefully, with the work in place to make sure everyone heals and feels like you're genuinely moving forward together.
Now, you've been doing this work through therapy. I wonder if your kids have had that same opportunity. Are they still sitting with the grief without having moved through to the other side? Are they still dealing with the shame, the embarrassment, the feeling of betrayal, the anger, and the feeling that they need to protect you, because they saw what you went through, and they're not willing to let you go through that again? Has their dad shown them the same empathy, remorse, and ownership that he's shown you? That's going to take time. It's not like he talks to them once and it's all better. It probably wasn't that way with you either. It took two years to get you to this point. It may take several months, or who knows, maybe two years, for your kids to get there too.
What I think is important is being transparent at an age appropriate level. What you tell your eleven year old may look different from what you tell your sixteen year old, but they already know about the infidelity. What may help is talking with them about why you are forgiving their father, why you are choosing to trust him again, and giving them room to process that in their own therapy, whether individually or as a group. Over time, let dad start planting the seeds of that empathy, remorse, and ownership directly with them, so they can see he is walking the walk. Hopefully, over time, that helps them start accepting him back in.
That does not necessarily mean he moves back in and lives with you right away. Maybe he lives separately for a while, visits, spends time with you all, and you slowly rebuild the relationship from there. Because if you push it too hard and too fast, your kids may reject not only him, they may reject you too, feeling betrayed that you are letting him back into their lives before they are ready.
It's really important to involve a therapist in something like this, and to create the opportunity for dad to keep sharing his remorse, his empathy, and his ownership. Because if your kids can see him walking the walk, they may, like you, be able to offer forgiveness, and your family can reunify from there.
It's a big topic, and a big question, and there's no easy way through it. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I wish you all the best. If you have more questions about this, you can always give us a call here at Teen Therapy Center. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint. If you'd like your question answered on Tips on Teens, email us at [email protected], or send us a direct message on Facebook or Instagram. We love your questions, keep them coming. I'll see you next Wednesday at noon on Facebook Live. Again, Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center and Child and Teen Counseling. See you guys next week. Bye.
How Do We Help Our Kids Accept Their Dad Back After Infidelity?
The Impact of Infidelity on Kids
When infidelity breaks apart a marriage, it does not just wound the two adults involved. Children carry it too, often through a mix of shame, embarrassment, betrayal, and anger. Many kids also feel a strong pull to protect the parent who was hurt, which can make it especially hard for them to warm back up to the parent who caused the pain, even after that parent has done real work to change.
We hear from a lot of families navigating exactly this. Here is a question from Tips on Teens that gets at the heart of it:
“Two years ago my husband and I separated because of infidelity. We’ve done a lot of work since then, and I’m ready for him to come back. We’ve done some therapy, but our three kids (11, 13, 16) are still really angry with him for the pain he caused, and they don’t want me to take him back. They think I’m being a doormat. How do I help them accept him again and heal?”
Before You Bring Him Back, Ask Yourselves This
Our first response to a question like this is to check the foundation. We would assume that if a parent is ready to reconcile, the couple has done real work together: grieving the betrayal, working toward forgiveness, and getting to a place where the parent who was unfaithful has taken ownership of what happened. That means showing genuine remorse and empathy for how the affair affected everyone, understanding what led up to it, and making visible, sustained changes, not just saying the right things once.
If that groundwork has not been laid, we would gently say the kids might be right, and reconciling too soon could put a parent back in the position of being a doormat. None of us are immune to that pattern, and there is no judgment in naming it. But bringing an unfaithful spouse back into the family needs to happen thoughtfully and purposefully, with real healing underneath it, not just time passing.
Have Your Kids Had the Same Chance to Heal?
Here is the piece that is easy to miss: you have had two years of therapy and hard conversations to get to acceptance. Have your kids had that same opportunity? They may still be sitting with grief, shame, embarrassment, betrayal, and anger, without having moved through it the way you have. Many kids also feel protective of the parent who was hurt, especially if they watched that parent suffer. That protectiveness can look like refusing to “let” you take him back, even when you are ready.
The question worth asking is whether their father has shown them the same empathy, remorse, and ownership he has shown you. That takes time. It was not a single conversation that got you to forgiveness, and it will not be a single conversation for your kids either. It may take several months. It may take as long as it took you.
Let Dad Show the Work, Not Just Say It
We would encourage age appropriate transparency here. What you share with an eleven year old will look different from what you share with a sixteen year old, but in a situation like this, the kids usually already know about the infidelity. What they may need is a better understanding of why you are choosing to forgive and trust their father again, along with their own space to process it, whether that is individual therapy or a family session.
From there, let their father start planting the seeds of empathy, remorse, and ownership directly with them, not just with you. Kids need to see him walking the walk, not just hear that he has changed. Over time, that consistency is usually what allows them to start accepting him back in.
There Is No One Right Pace or Living Arrangement
Reconciliation does not have to mean he moves back in right away. For some families, it works better for him to live separately for a while, visiting and spending time together while the relationship slowly rebuilds. Pushing too hard and too fast risks a double rejection: kids may reject not only their father, but you as well, if they feel betrayed by being asked to accept him before they are ready.
Bring In Support
This is a big topic without an easy path through it, and we would encourage involving a therapist, both for your kids individually and for the family as a whole. Having a neutral space for your children to process their anger, and for their father to demonstrate remorse and ownership directly to them, tends to move reconciliation forward faster and more safely than trying to work it out at the dinner table alone.
FAQ
How long does it take kids to accept a parent back after infidelity? There is no fixed timeline. It took your own healing process time, often measured in months or years, and your kids may need a similar stretch. What matters more than speed is whether the parent who was unfaithful is consistently showing remorse and ownership directly to the kids, not just to their spouse.
Is it wrong to reconcile if our kids are not ready yet? Not necessarily, but it is worth pausing to ask whether the groundwork has really been laid: genuine remorse, ownership of what happened, and real change over time. If that work is solid, your kids’ readiness may simply be lagging behind yours, which is normal and can be supported rather than forced.
Should the parent who was unfaithful apologize directly to the kids? Yes, in an age appropriate way. Kids need to see empathy, remorse, and accountability directed at them specifically, not just witness it happening between the parents. That direct acknowledgment often matters more to a child’s healing than anything said to reassure the other parent.
Do we need to tell our kids everything about what happened? Usually not in full detail, and definitely not the same way for an eleven year old and a sixteen year old. Most kids in this situation already know an affair happened. What helps more is being transparent about why you are choosing to trust and forgive, and giving them room to ask questions and process at their own pace.
What if our kids think I am being a doormat for taking him back? That reaction often comes from a protective place. It is worth checking honestly whether real repair work has happened, since kids can sometimes sense when reconciliation is happening too fast. If the work has genuinely been done, their fear can ease over time as they see consistent change.
Does the parent who was unfaithful need to move back in right away? No. Some families do better with a slower transition, where that parent lives separately for a while and rebuilds the relationship through visits before any conversation about moving back in. Pushing the pace can backfire and cause kids to pull away from both parents.
Should our kids be in therapy too, even if we’ve already done couples therapy? We would strongly encourage it. Kids process betrayal differently than adults, and often on a different timeline. Individual or family therapy gives them a safe place to work through shame, anger, and protectiveness instead of carrying it silently.
Get In Touch
If your family is working through the aftermath of infidelity, or trying to help your kids accept a parent back into the family, we are here to help. Teen Therapy Center and Child & Teen Counseling serve families throughout the West San Fernando Valley, including Woodland Hills, West Hills, Calabasas, Tarzana, Encino, Hidden Hills, and Agoura Hills.
Contact Kent Toussaint, LMFT, Clinical Director, for a free phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, LMFT 5550 Topanga Canyon Blvd., Suite 150 Woodland Hills, CA 91367 (818) 697-8555 [email protected] https://teentherapycenter.com