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Hi. Welcome to supporting your neurodivergent teenager. My name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I'm the founder and clinical director of Teen Therapy Center and I'm also the father of neurodivergent kids. Today we're talking about how you can best support your neurodivergent 2e child and we're going to talk about your expectations, their expectations. Let's jump in.

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Let's talk about leaning into your neurodivergent child's strengths. We all have to do things that we don't like to do and we're adults and we do them because we have to. Your child, especially someone who is neurodivergent, may have a really hard time with this and really emotionally can't accept doing something they really dislike. So it creates a situation where they feel they're wrong, they feel they're inferior, they feel they self -doubt. It just builds and builds and builds and creates this tension and the arguing between you and your child which deteriorates trust and connection and relationship which is everything we want to do to help promote your child's self -esteem. When we lean into our child's strengths, it's focusing on where their interests are, what they like to focus on, instead of focusing on deficits, because when we focus on deficits, you know, your kid feels stupid. You feel helpless, and instead when we focus on strengths, it gives your kid a chance to focus on something

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they really like and they enjoy, and there's already an innate motivation to do that activity. So if your kid is really into programming, then how do we lean into nurturing that skill coding and programming instead of trying to get them to creatively write, which they may not want to do. So we have to find some way for a child to channel their interests in a way that helps promote self -esteem, individuation, maturity, interaction with others. It's really important. Again, the more we focus on what your child likes, there's already an innate motivation for your child to do that activity and it can help reduce some of the tension between you and your kid of trying to get your kid to do something productive and not a video game. We're gonna talk now about how promoting healthy social activities is good for your neurodivergent child. Appropriate and healthy social activities for your kids helps them adapt to the real world. Neurodivergent people are as diverse as everyone else. Some people

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really like to be in social settings, some don't, some are in the middle. However, having some social connection is good for all humans. We are not lizards. We need to interact with people. But some kids who are neurodivergent have a tougher time with it and that's okay. It's okay to find those avenues where your child can thrive or at least feel okay in certain social environments that are not just online. Online friends are great, but we need to have some face -to -face communication too. That can be, as one example, sports, music, robotics, you know, there's no limit to what that can be, but it doesn't always have to be with same -age kids. There are some kids who are neurodivergent who just have a tough time interacting with kids their age. They can interact with kids younger, they can interact with kids older or adult, but sometimes their same age isn't gonna work. So how do we find avenues? One example, this is a yeah just one of many, but I've had some kids in my practice who really

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connect with senior citizens and finding a way for them to volunteer at the local senior center and talk to all these grandparents who are living there is a great way for that neurodivergent child to lean into his strength or her strength. It could also be that maybe your teenager helps coach the local, you know, eight -year -old basketball team because they really like little kids and coaching little kids. They just don't want to coach or interact with kids their same age in high school. So finding ways where they can interact with other people, doesn't always have to be the same age, can be really helpful for some kids to adapt. When kids are in these kind of situations, they start developing patterns and experience of interacting, of developing patience and empathy, which are really important. Collaboration. There are some kids who are neurodivergent and some people who are neurodivergent who really like being in the coaching, teaching place. I've had a lot of kids who've grown up to

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want to go towards being a professor, you know, or someone who where people come to them and it's very comfortable being in that situation. If that's a strength, let's lean into that. So how do they interact with people to support others. It feels good for them to support others and help others and that feels good for everyone and that helps their own self -esteem and that may help other self -esteem as well.

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Creativity is great for everyone. It doesn't mean you have to be professional at it. It's just a way to look at yourself, to explore your psyche, your thoughts, your feelings, have a better understanding of who you are, whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical or whoever you are. It's a really great way to have a better understanding and feeling of who you are, build self -esteem. So your child may not really be into creativity, but if your kid is open to it, again, not about being a professional, or they can be if they want. It's about identifying, exploring, and expressing who they are in a more constructive and healthy way. I think creative pursuits can help promote problem -solving. Any kind of creativity is an exercise in imperfection. Ask any artist, musician, actor, whatever that is. It's never perfect. It always feels like you can be better and there's always has to be the place of I just need to accept. Every painter I know, their painting is not finished and complete and

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perfect. They just have to stop working on it, right? Because there's always something that could be different or better. And I think developing that skill, because we all go through that as humans. Nothing is ever perfect. But helping develop intrinsically that experience of acceptance. Acceptance of imperfection is a really good skill to learn, especially for someone who's neurodivergent, who may have a tough time with very black and white thinking. I think the collaboration for 2E kids, neurodivergent kids, is really important, as it is for everyone. Most of us have to collaborate in our world, whether it's with our co -workers, our spouses, our kids, our friends. Very few of us can just be a dictator in our life and just tell everyone what to do. Sounds great in fantasy, it's just not a reality. So, I think all people need to have this experience of how to collaborate and tolerate that it may not be all their idea, that they may have to share in the idea. And then some other people,

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you may need to, what's the word I'm looking for, you may need to find a way to compromise and not just focus on your own goal and your own idea. and having that real -life experience I think helps a kid who may be neurodivergent, who struggles with that, to develop as an adult who can collaborate, who can compromise for the greater good of what their goals are.

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It's not that much of an epiphany that we could all do with a little more exercise in our life. Helps with our physical health, helps with our emotional health. It's great for everyone. I think it's really important for kids who have processing issues or are, you know, really hyper -focused on certain things. They can forget to exercise. They can also forget to eat or sleep. And sometimes as parents, we need to help guide our kids towards having some of these routines in their lives. You're a neurodivergent, to a amazingly talented kid on the computer or the violin may forget that oh I need to go outside I need to get some exercise I need to be with other people because they get so focused on one thing and I think it's really important as parents we guide kids to have some balance healthy moderate exercise helps everybody all of us right it creates endorphins which is a feel good hormone in your body. It reduces stress hormones. It helps you sleep better. And also for your hyper -focused

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kid, it helps break up the routine so they can, you know, get away from this one thing and do other things in their life. That may also help them remember, oh wait, I'm hungry, you know. So it helps improve the awareness of self -care.

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Figuring out how much independence your kid is capable of handling is a really tough question to answer, and it's not always very clear. That's why I'm hoping that you are able to collaborate with your child on what that independence is. Obviously, the independence of an eight -year -old is going to be different than a 17 -year -old, which may be different than And a 25 -year -old who needs a conservatorship. You know, every child, every person is going to be different in what they need. So being in tune with what your kid's emotional needs are, what their capacity is, that could be through working with a therapist, some occupational therapy, maybe neuropsych testing gives you a much clearer idea of what your kid's capacity is as they grow into adulthood. Having reasonable expectations for what kind of independence your child can achieve is really important. And it's tough because we all have these fantasies of what our children will grow into when they're small and babies even through

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childhood. And we have to make sure that we're checking our own fantasies with what our children are actually capable of. We have to let go and sometimes mourn that fantasy to recognize this is who my kid is. Every Every human is unique in what their needs are. Some of your kids are going to need more support beyond 18, beyond 25, maybe their whole lives. It really depends on the individual. If you had the fantasy that, okay, my kid's going off to college and I can now relax, you may not be able to do that. Again, you'll know your kid's needs better than anyone else. And I encourage you to be prepared that for certain individuals, they may need support their whole life. You may need to set up a conservatorship. So after you pass on, your kid may never be able to have the kind of independence that you had wished for them. And again, I don't know what that is. Only you do and your child will know. but I think the more you collaborate with your child and the support team around your child,

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you'll be able to make that determination more clearly and more thoughtfully and in a way that best supports your kid's needs.

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Connection is what binds us all together. It's not about how much you love your child or how much they love you. You can love someone and not feel connected to them. And someone who is neurodivergent, it may be more challenging to feel that connection sometimes or have that child feel connected to you. It's challenging. It's hard. But finding ways to connect. How does your kid feel that you enjoy them? That you like being with them? That you value them? It's so easy for us as parents to get stuck into managing our children instead of connecting with them because there's so much for us to do and it's almost like there's no time because baseball practice and homework and getting the kitchen clean and hiring the plumber and all these other things that we have to do a lot of times as parents we could be exhausted especially a kid who's let's say neurodivergent and struggles to connect in a conventional way so how do you connect with your child in an unconventional way and again i would lean

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into what is your child's interest. If your kid's really into anime, watch anime with them. Talk about anime with them. You may feel that anime is really boring and tedious, but you have to like it because your kid likes it. Find the love in it that your kid does and honor that. And I think if you were able to connect with your kid and what they love to do, you're gonna find that they are more open to your opinions. They're more open to listening to you. They're more open to cooperating with you, not gonna be perfect. But I think the more you focus on where they are, meet them where they're at because your kid may not be able to cross the bridge to meet you where you're at. It's a big topic. Every child and family is different. Each has their own individual needs. So take from this video what works for you, leave what doesn't, and also just make sure that you're able to develop a support team around yourself and your child that helps your child launch in the best way that they can. If you

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are in the Woodland Hills area, San Fernando Valley, Conejo Valley area, and you may need more support, this is something we deal with all the time. We love working with the 2E neurodivergent population. Give us a call. We're happy to set up a free phone consultation to see how we can best support you and your family. Our contact information is in the caption below. Again, my name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center, and we'll see you next time. Thanks, guys.