12/20/2024

how to make boundaries around screen time

00:00:02    Speaker 2

Oh, hi, we're talking about screens. I was just distracted by mine. You may find that you are distracted by yours sometimes, and especially your kids are distracted by their screens. Well, we're talking about screen use. Every parent's got to deal with screen use for their kids, especially nowadays. Every kid's got a smartphone. Every class requires that kids do their homework online, on a laptop, on a computer. How do you set boundaries? How do you set limits? How do you find some reasonable balance in your family away from screens? Well, that's what we're talking about today My name is Kent Toussaint with Teen Therapy Center. Let's jump right in it

00:00:42    Speaker 2

So why are screens so addictive especially for teenagers and it has to do with the teenage brain? It is different than the adult brain. It's not their fault We all had teenage brains at one point, but the prefrontal cortex, which is the executive functioning area of the brain handles impulse control emotional regulation, the ability to see cause and effect, all that is impaired until roughly 25 years old. You and I as adults, we struggle with screens. We all struggle with screens because they are so, they just pull you in. They are designed to pull you in. Apps and computers and phones are specifically designed to have you stay on. Now if you are a 14 year old and your impulse control is not that of an adult, that means it's even harder to get off that screen.

00:01:38    Speaker 2

The danger of all this, with dopamine being hijacked and whatnot, is that it prevents your child, and adults too, but especially a child, a teenager, from developing connections, social connections with other people, real face -to -face connections, which in turn reduces their sense of empathy for other people and their sense of empathy for themselves, thus lower self -esteem. Compounded on that is when a child doesn't have an opportunity to be bored, they never are creative. Many philosophers have talked about that boredom is the seed of creativity. If you're never bored, you never write that book, you never draw that picture, you never learn to play basketball, you never learn guitar, you never learn anything like that. And without learning a sense of mastery in anything, not they have to be the best, just something I can do, something that's mine, it lowers your self -esteem and thus impacts social connections because a child who has no sense of mastery in their world doesn't feel like

00:02:41    Speaker 2

they belong socializing with other people. So we want to make sure that your child develops a sense of self in connecting with others and themselves and have activities that they have mastery in.

00:02:56    Speaker 2

How do you establish rules and boundaries around screen time to work for your family? What is the right amount of screen time for your child? Well, you're ready for the answer? It depends. I know it's a very unsatisfying answer, but it really does depend because every family is going to be different. Your family's individual needs may be very different than your next -door neighbor's, or your child's friend, or your niece's family, or whoever that is. It's really about finding what's right for your family and finding a collaboration with your child. If you just come in as a dictator and say, these are the rules, your child is going to find it very easy to reject those rules and rebel and find every way to break those rules. You want to have collaboration. Now this takes more time than you just laying down the law, but again, a relationship between a parent and a child based on connection and empathy creates more cooperation and that's what we want. We don't want capitulation, we want cooperation.

00:03:57    Speaker 2

So how does that work? You sit down with your child and you talk about these are what this is what we're looking for These are the goals that we have with screens. What are your goals now? Your goals are going to be very different and that's fine We want to find a way to to navigate towards the imperfect middle ground So if you're not super thrilled with the agreement and your kids not super thrilled with the agreement You're probably play probably pretty close to a fair agreement It's not about perfection. It's about good enough. So how do you do that? There's a lot of ways I'm a big proponent of kids earning screen time and So you can have a base amount of what screen time they're allowed to have but they can earn more screen time based on Responsibility, you know, whether that's chores Homework, you know, whatever that is or you know, if you're doing these activities you you're allowed more screen time It really depends on what is going to work for you. There's no one -size -fits -all.

00:04:59    Speaker 2

You want something that is achievable by your child. You don't want to have, like, you know, if you do three hours of chores, you get 15 minutes of screen time. That's not equitable. You have to find some balance. You may also want to find some limits on content. Obviously, there's a lot of pornography and inappropriate content out there that you can't totally guard against. It's so pervasive throughout our society, but you can limit it, and there are plenty of apps out there that can help limit website use, filter website use, app use, and you can put it on your phone. None of them are perfect. There's workarounds for all of them. If you want to know what the workarounds are, do an internet search. They'll tell you what they are, because kids are looking for these all the time. I don't think any of these apps are perfect, but they're all fairly good. You may have to call customer service to get it fine -tuned for your system, because that's what we had to do in our house. Most people I

00:06:01    Speaker 2

know, the basic setup didn't work. They had to call customer service and set things up, so it's a pain. But it's probably worth it down the line, because what it does is it prevents the tug of war of the phone, which isn't good for anybody. If you can just shut it off from your phone, it makes it easier. But again, if you are shutting the phone off or the device off, you've already worked out with your child what these boundaries are. You've already worked out how and when you're going to do this. So they know. Even though they'll still be mad at you and they'll still lose their cool and blow up and all this stuff, deep down inside, they know that you're following what you said you would follow.

00:06:44    Speaker 2

Here's the bad news. You ready for this? You, as the parent, need to set the example, especially when your child can't follow it. Which means that if you have a certain designated time of no screens, you have to stay after screens. There's no exceptions. You can't say, but I'm an adult, I'm allowed to do it, or, but this is work related, or I need to contact the plumber. Your kid's not going to see the difference. You may see the difference, but your kid isn't, and if your kid doesn't see the difference, you're going to empower them to rebel even more. You need to set the example. So if it's no screens from time X to time Y, you need to be off your screens at that time and just work around that. And what it does is it sets the example that this time what we're spending as a family is important. You are more important to me than my work email. You are more important to me than scheduling the plumber. You are more important to me than Facebook. That's a really valuable message to give because

00:07:44    Speaker 2

you want your kids to adopt that value as well and they're not going to adopt it unless you set the example.

00:07:53    Speaker 2

As I've said before there is no one -size -fits -all solution to screens. Everyone, all of us, are dealing with this in one way or another. Take everything from this video that works for you and let go of the rest. Don't worry about things being perfect But what I would really stress to you is really important is lead by example. Your kids will follow your example more than your words almost every time. And I'm not saying it's going to be perfect. I'm not saying they're not going to fight back. But if you keep showing up as the parent you want to be, eventually you're going to have the cooperation close to where you want it to be with your child. Cooperation from children is based on connection with their parents. So, make sure you have that quality time away from screens where you can connect with your kid and develop that cooperation and that connection. So again, I see the impact of screens on families all the time in my practice here at Teen Therapy Center. By the way, I'm a licensed

00:08:54    Speaker 2

marriage and family therapist specializing in helping kids, teens, and families to live happier lives. And if you or someone you love can really benefit from consulting with a child and family therapist, please contact us at Teen Therapy Center. Our contact information is down below. We'd love to hear from you and we're happy to have a free phone consultation to figure out how to best support you and your family. Thanks for watching.