You had to make the decision. You're getting divorced. It was a tough decision, but maybe the best decision you can make. How do you tell your kids about it? Well, we're gonna talk about some steps to think about and tell your kids about your impending divorce. Hi, my name is Kent Toussaint. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in helping kids, teens, and families live happier lives. Now, let's talk about those steps to think about and tell your kids about your divorce. A really important thing to consider is that when telling your kids, and hopefully you can tell them together, is that you and your ex need to be on the same page with this. I know that's a challenge because you're getting divorced. It's hard to be on the same page. I totally get it. But this is not about your emotional needs. It's not about your ex's emotional needs. It's about your kids' emotional needs. And for this, you guys have to have an agreement of what you want to say and how you want to say it, and deliver that message clearly. If you need to tell your kids alone without your ex, bring your best self to the table. Remember, this is about your kids' emotional needs, not your emotional needs. If you come with fire and brimstone and weaponize what's going on and try to convince your kids to be angry at the other parent, it's just It's going to make it more confusing, more hurtful, and it's going to be more chaotic for your kids. So tell them what they need to know, but what they don't need to know, you don't need to tell them. For example, if there was infidelity and your kids don't know about it, maybe they don't need to know about that. They may not have the maturity to understand that, right? If they already know about the infidelity, don't hide it, but also don't try to get it to be something where it wedges your kids against the other parent. It's not going to help your kids. They may have anger, and that's fine. They can have their anger, but they don't need to take on your anger as well. You can have your

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feelings. You can even have your vulnerable feelings when you're talking to them. That's fine, but it's also important to communicate that they are not responsible for taking care of your feelings, that you are getting your own support, and that you are there for them.

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No matter what happens with this divorce, your kids still need a healthy relationship with you and your ex. No matter how much you may hate the ex, no matter how much you think your kids are angry at the ex, they still long for that healthy relationship. The more you can demonstrate that you have a healthy relationship with your ex, the more you can share that, hey, we may be divorcing, we may be struggling to get along, but we still love each other because we're all still a family, but the family is just, the dynamic of the family is changing. I think the more you can focus on that, the more the kids can steer clear of needing to pick a side and needing to jump into the fight.

Divorce is tough. It's tough on everyone, even the kids, so it's really important to remind your kids that this is not their fault. This divorce had nothing to do with them, there's nothing they could have done to change it. They didn't do anything to make this happen. And this is because you and your ex were struggling to get along, were struggling to collaborate, were struggling to work together. And that's something the two of you have to work on repair and take ownership of that. They'll respect it. It's okay. Now, they may have heard arguments between you and your ex about parenting, and you may need to acknowledge that even though we were arguing about parenting, it's not because of what you did. It's because we couldn't figure it out. And we think that divorcing and separating and having two homes is going to help us be better parents. Again, I've worked with a lot of families going through divorce. And what I see is when parents are very clear and have a very strong understanding of what the custody plan is going to be, what the visitation plan is going to be, where they're living, who's living where, are they nesting, are there two different houses, whatever that plan is, kids anxiety, anger, acting out, all reduce. Maybe still have some because divorce is it's a big deal and affects everyone, but it creates safety. They don't have to worry about this. If you don't have a clear plan yet and you have to tell the kids, that's okay too. Tell them what you have and let them know that you and your ex are working on more details and give them a of when they can expect to hear what those details are. That helps your kids understand that they don't have to worry, they don't have to step in and feel like they have control because they don't, and helps everyone kind of work through this process in a more clear, patient manner.

Here's the difficult thing you're going to have to do. You're not going to like this advice, but once you have that plan in place, follow it with the utmost integrity that you have, even when your ex doesn't. This is hard, because you feel like you're getting punched in the gut all the time, and the other parent is breaking the rules. Your kids will see through it at some point. In the beginning, they may not, but over the long term, they will recognize, wow, you, the parent, have integrity, and I can trust you, and it's safe. The other parent, they start recognizing it's not safe. And they will see it, and it will backfire at some point, but it takes a while because you may be painted as a bad guy. This is going to a whole other video about parental alienation, which we're going to do soon, but just a tidbit of it. Follow your integrity. Be your best self. It's hard to do, but I encourage you, encourage you so much to do this for your kids. Divorce is ever -changing, ever -moving, and plans will change. Either because lawyers say so or you guys agree to it, right? When plans change, again, if the both of you can tell the kids together, that's ideal. Not always possibility. I get it. So if it's not possible, make sure you communicate those plans as clearly as possible and hold space for when your kids are struggling with plan changes and just, you know, be supportive. Understand. Don't try to get them to agree. just be there to help them understand that you get their emotions. That's what will help them be more cooperative.

Our last point today, and maybe one of the hardest to follow, is to be your best self. Retain your sense of integrity in demonstrating how you interact with your kids and your ex. Now there's going to be times when you're going to feel like you're getting pulled into the gutter. Your ex is throwing low blows. You feel like you're being left out in the cold. Everyone's against you. Sometimes because your kids will lash out at you because you are the safe one. Because they see that you're not going to abandon them. You're not going to manipulate them. And sometimes kids will lash out at you because you're safe. This is hard to get through. Get support you need so you can be that rock. So you can demonstrate healthy relationships. You can still self -advocate, but still have unconditional love for your kids. Don't throw the X under the bus. Don't jump into the battle. Your kids will see it in time. They will recognize it. It's hard to do. That's why it's so important that you are getting your support, so your emotions are grounded and stable, so you can be in those situations where the stakes are high, the emotions are high, and you are strong.

Well, there it is. Divorce stinks, doesn't it? It stinks for everybody, parents, kids. We work with families of divorce all the time. We would be happy to talk to you. We'd be happy to provide a free phone consultation if you want to talk to us. Our content info at Teen Therapy Center is down in the caption below. We also, at our same office, we run a nonprofit organization called Child and Teen Counseling, And across both organizations, we have therapists for pretty much every budget. So please give us a call or send us an email. We're happy to talk with you. It's just really important that you get the support you need, your kids get the support they need. Thank you so much for watching today's video, and we look forward to speaking with you soon. Thanks.